New Invisible Electric Fence Works Too Well
The United States Federal Government has recently "owned up" to the mass animal deaths, blaming them on the beasts' stupidity. "If they were smarter, they would have seen the invisible electric fence and been able to avoid its all-encompassing range!"
The USFG recently implemented these fences as a deterrent for both illegal immigrants attempting to enter the US. Apparently we have a problem with people flying into the USA illegally. On their wings they manage to keep so well hidden on their backs. This not only shows that the world isn't ending, (just the USA securing itself with the latest nuke-stopping fences) but where all the money is going. Takes a lot of money to run an electric fence all around the USA.
As to how an electric fence works underwater, beats me.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New News #2
Email Thief Strikes Again
Leaked Microsoft memo:
RE: Email thief
He's back. This is NOT GOOD. You guys know what happened last time. He got hold of over 15 terrabytes of stored spam, junk mail, and weekly newsletters! That was a huge scare - we even had an angry customer who lost a Facebook notification! We almost lost him!
And now, he's back. I thought we got rid of him, how did this happen? Wasn't he happy enough that we gave him an email account? Why?
Well, we need to take decisive action. There's no other way about this. PR group, get to reporting the damage as some system failures. The rest of you, start securing emails. Print every email in the database - we can get to cross-referencing them later. As for hunting him down...I'll go myself. This ends here.
- Bill Gates
Your CEO who is way more awesome than that douchebag Jobs
P.S. You know what this means. Be sure to keep careful track of your contacts list, and count your emails twice. Joe from licensing already lost his treasured 150000 reply email dating back to 2000, and Martha from engineering has already lost two cure kitten pictures! Be on the lookout!
Leaked Microsoft memo:
RE: Email thief
He's back. This is NOT GOOD. You guys know what happened last time. He got hold of over 15 terrabytes of stored spam, junk mail, and weekly newsletters! That was a huge scare - we even had an angry customer who lost a Facebook notification! We almost lost him!
And now, he's back. I thought we got rid of him, how did this happen? Wasn't he happy enough that we gave him an email account? Why?
Well, we need to take decisive action. There's no other way about this. PR group, get to reporting the damage as some system failures. The rest of you, start securing emails. Print every email in the database - we can get to cross-referencing them later. As for hunting him down...I'll go myself. This ends here.
- Bill Gates
Your CEO who is way more awesome than that douchebag Jobs
P.S. You know what this means. Be sure to keep careful track of your contacts list, and count your emails twice. Joe from licensing already lost his treasured 150000 reply email dating back to 2000, and Martha from engineering has already lost two cure kitten pictures! Be on the lookout!
Monday, January 3, 2011
New News #1
Essentially, this is taking news stories and rewriting them with puns. Links to all original stories in the headlines.
USA Finds Out About Secret Party In Iran - Wonders Why It Wasn't Invited
It's a long story why the USA wasn't invited. About a half century long. To make it short, Japan is pretty good friends with Iran, and Japan is still pissed about the bombshells the US said they would drop at the annual NHGC (Nagasaki and Hiroshima Gossiper's Convention). Turns out the USA is a real douche, always gossiping and sniping at other countries. Japan still hasn't recovered from the fallout of the secrets that came out, and they've held their grudge.
It probably doesn't help that it is now fucking impossible to smuggle Geiger counters into Hiroshima.
USA Finds Out About Secret Party In Iran - Wonders Why It Wasn't Invited
It's a long story why the USA wasn't invited. About a half century long. To make it short, Japan is pretty good friends with Iran, and Japan is still pissed about the bombshells the US said they would drop at the annual NHGC (Nagasaki and Hiroshima Gossiper's Convention). Turns out the USA is a real douche, always gossiping and sniping at other countries. Japan still hasn't recovered from the fallout of the secrets that came out, and they've held their grudge.
It probably doesn't help that it is now fucking impossible to smuggle Geiger counters into Hiroshima.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Computerization
Computers are ubiquitous in the developed world. They're in our cars, in our pockets, in our offices and malls. (Is that a computer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?) Heck, I'm sitting in front of one right now, and I bet you are too! They can be used for more and more things as new hardware and software is developed. For instance, the computers here, both experimental and released, are used to monitor human behavior and motion, pulling on a database of other recorded behavior to detect anomalies. Computers, as the article says, are the unblinking eyes of the modern world.
But what is the important lesson we can all pull from this article? Computers are stealing our jobs. Who gives a damn if they do them more efficiently than we can? Child labor in China is far more efficient than labor here (if only due to having a larger workforce!) but we still frown upon it! Computer labor is not only inhumane - computers often go straight from the workshop to the...workshop - but it is additional outsourcing we Americans should not live with. Every computer in your workplace is another displaced American. Think about it. What computers in your workplace could you hire people for? (And thus give the economy a helping hand.)
Timers - Replace all the watches, alarms and timers you have with a personal manservant! People can be just as annoying as any beeper, and they happen to go off at preset intervals, too.
Coffee Makers - Oh, come on. This one doesn't require any imagination at all. Send someone to get your coffee from Starbucks. Outsourcing outsourced.
Cellphones - Get a relay - dictate a message to the relay, and send them off! They'll get some exercise, and you get your message delivered. The only downside: no cellphone games.
Cars - Commute via piggyback is so underrated.
Now think of some for yourself. Reclaim American jobs!
But what is the important lesson we can all pull from this article? Computers are stealing our jobs. Who gives a damn if they do them more efficiently than we can? Child labor in China is far more efficient than labor here (if only due to having a larger workforce!) but we still frown upon it! Computer labor is not only inhumane - computers often go straight from the workshop to the...workshop - but it is additional outsourcing we Americans should not live with. Every computer in your workplace is another displaced American. Think about it. What computers in your workplace could you hire people for? (And thus give the economy a helping hand.)
Timers - Replace all the watches, alarms and timers you have with a personal manservant! People can be just as annoying as any beeper, and they happen to go off at preset intervals, too.
Coffee Makers - Oh, come on. This one doesn't require any imagination at all. Send someone to get your coffee from Starbucks. Outsourcing outsourced.
Cellphones - Get a relay - dictate a message to the relay, and send them off! They'll get some exercise, and you get your message delivered. The only downside: no cellphone games.
Cars - Commute via piggyback is so underrated.
Now think of some for yourself. Reclaim American jobs!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year!
FIRST!!!!11!!1!ONEONE!1!!!ELEVEN!!!11!1
I'll be attempting to make at least one joke per day on some current event. Stay tuned for further posts, or lack thereof.
I'll be attempting to make at least one joke per day on some current event. Stay tuned for further posts, or lack thereof.
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