Hair

Alright, so we know that religions commonly dispute each other with statements like, "My god is more real than your god!" or "My god is stronger than your god!" or "You suck! Eat my steel!", and it can be hard to tell which one is the true religion - which one everyone should follow.

In our haste to attack other religions for being wrong about their tenets, beliefs, or what they call their god, its easy to lose sight of the important stuff. Religions have many of the same themes.

First, kindness to others. I've never seen a religion whose (original) texts preach hate as a central ideal. (Intolerance off to the side, on the other hand...) Religions in general seem to have been made to make people better, and to bring out the good side of the world.

Second, a better world, usually one after death. There's always a better world out there, though it's not always attainable. Attaining a place in said world is a goal of many religions, though some, such as Ancient Greek or Ancient Chinese mythos, reserve it only for the gods.

Third, an enlightened being who serves as a "perfect human", or is supposedly perfect. This is obvious, I guess, as without a non-human at the top of the food chain (Or the Great Chain of Being, if you'd like to call it that) a religion isn't a religion, but a philosophy. I suppose there's more separating religion from philosophy (several degrees of fanaticism, perhaps?) but that's one of the major parts.

Fourth, fundies. No religion would be complete without your super-strict fundies who besmirch the good name of the religion for the world, and make it look crazy and warlike.

I'm sure all of this is obvious stuff. But today, I had a bit of a revelation.

Hair.

I can't think of a single religion that DOESN'T want you to do something with your hair. That is, obscure it, chop it off, grow it out, whatever.

Okay, I'm bored of finding images now. But it's proof that if there is a god out there, binding all religions to the same central things, that god wants us to DO SOMETHING TO OUR HAIR!

So go out and, err, do something to your hair?

Also, no rapture, show's over, sorry guys. False alarm.

Good Religion

This morning I woke to my radio playing religious hymns. They weren't telling me that the devil would have my soul, and they didn't sound horrible, either. I was also a bit sleepy still, so I continued to lay there and listen.

A few minutes later, the hymn ended, and some guy with a sonorous voice began to talk. He talked for about a minute about being kind to people, and respecting their opinions. He talked about doing good, and then cued another hymn. This went on for a half hour. Just hymns and preaching being kind to others, etc.

Yes, it was religious. No, I'm not even thinking of converting to any religion or believing in any higher power. But it was nice to listen to early in the morning, and, save for the whole higher-power bit, was totally approved of by me.

Why can't all manifestations of religion be like this?

(Rhetorical question. People willing to take advantage of this for their own benefit prevent this from happening. But still, it'd make the world a far better place.)

Religion, Revisited

As per the norm, if you happen to be touchy, and become offended when people fart in your general direction, there's a wonderful site out there for you. It starts with 4chan.org/b and rhymes with b. I'm noting, as I read over the post again, that some non-touchy people may even be offended. Collateral damage, I suppose.

Atheists are doing something right if they don't follow religion, and yet are better at religion than anybody else. I'm citing the recent survey which found that atheists know more in general about religion than any other religious division.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but this outcome was expected for me. We've already lost in morals, ethics, and not being heathen blasphemers, so we've got to win at something. Why not religion? Atheists are already the most religious people out there, so why not win at something we've got a head start on?

Now, this study also provides enlightenment to some issues. There are those who say that atheism is in fact, a religion. Now, I don't know about you, but, isn't one of the main pillars of any religion believing in a deity? However, I'm inclined to give these blasphemers of atheism a second chance now that I've seen the facts. Roughly 15% of Americans don't know that atheists don't believe in any deity. This group consists of a bunch of ignorant or misled Christians, Muslims, etc., and one very, very confused atheist, who isn't quite sure why the local church won't let him in.

This study also shows that 92% of the surveyed did not know that Maimonides was Jewish. Now, I don't know about you guys, but this is shocking.

More shocking than all these combined

How could you not know this? He was born in the golden age of Jewish culture in Spain, for crying out loud! And he lived in Fostat, Egypt! This is a tragedy, that we would lose sight of such people in this day and age. Old people are still important!

Well, maybe not this guy. Sure, he fought in 'Nam and is now bravely

defending his lawn, but what does he do for society? Has he

saved any stray kittens lately? I think not!

And just for a final fact, 29% of the surveyed did not know that Jesus was born in Bethlehem. I'm sorry, how does that hymn go?

"Jesus, my savior, to NYC came-"

Nope, that's not right.

"Jesus, my savior, to Beijing came-"

Not that one either.

"Jesus, my savior, to Bethlehem came-"

Nope.

"Jesus, my savior, to America came..."

That sounds about right. Because America is a Christian nation, and was founded as such.

So, as I close, as a word to all you fellow non-believers, hold steady in your unfaith, and have mercy on those who blaspheme so, for they are not so knowledgeable on such matters. Feel free to quote various religious texts, as well, whether or not they are outdated, or do not pertain to the matter at hand. Since when has relevance mattered?

Heavenly Corporation

Religion plays an undeniably huge part in today's world. And just like corporations, the gods of every religion are vying for more supporters. Here are some of the records from past advisory sessions for various religions.

Let's start off with Christianity, shall we?

Statistics Saint: Heaven acceptance numbers are down 6.66% sir!

God: Oh for my sake, Lucifer's acting up again. Send someone to him to see what he needs now. He already gets all the hot babes and rich bastards. What more does he need?

Public Relations Saint: Well, sir, we also think that might be part of the problem. If you're good, and don't have sex, and don't sin in general, you go to Heaven.

God: That's not a problem! Heaven is great!

Public Relations Saint: *shakes head* No, sir, you see, in Heaven, there is even more of not having sex, and even more rigidness. I mean, for your sake, there's only shriveled nuns here! Like you said, all the hot babes are in Hell!

God: Okay, so we're a little too uptight about that. But I mean, why else wouldn't someone want to go to Heaven? I mean, it's Heaven!

Vacation Analyst Saint: Well, there's also the weather. In Hell, you've got 24/7 amazing sun and vacation weather. It's like a vacation every day, and you can get a tan just by stepping outside! Whereas Heaven is cloudy and grey. Everyone here is pasty white, and the only people that don't mind are the gingers!

God: *grumbles* Oh, alright. So the place could use some sun every once in a while. I'll see if I can't work out a deal with Ra or Helios. I'm just lucky there are two of them. They better not have a trust. What other news is there?

Public Relations Saint: Well, our studies on afterlife benefit preferences are in, and....

God: And?

Public Relations Saint: We figured out why our conversion numbers our down-

Statistics Saint: By exactly 14.3% sir, as you can see on this chart here with the pretty purple line going-

Public Relations Saint: Yes, yes, we get it. But we now think we know why these numbers are down.

Interrupting Shtick Saint: That's what she said!

God: Wait, what? That doesn't make sense. Why are you even here?

Interrupting Shtick Saint: Part of the employee morale boosting program sir. Apparently the grey clouds and stuff are making people depressed.

God: Okay, we've been over that already. Continue with the study findings please.

Public Relations Saint: When you look at other religions, we don't really offer much. Our happy afterlife benefits give eternal life and, well, that's about it. You remain at the age where you died, and for most people, that's as a nearly incapacitated 90-something.

God: So? They live forever!

Norse Ambassador Saint: Well, do you remember Valhalla?

God: Oh, yeah. That was a failed religion. It's dead now, isn't it?

Norse Ambassador Saint: In their time, they attracted lots of followers with the living at the prime of your life thing, and the rebirths at the end of the day. And the drinking and chicks that would follow you around.

God: Your point? The religion is dead!

Interrupting Shtick Saint: So is disco!
*smack*
What?

Public Relations Saint: What I think he's getting at is that if we instated those policies, we could pull all those nerdy D&D playing-cultists away from their satanic game and save their souls. What nerd wouldn't want to be followed by a bunch of girls all day long?

God: ...Meeting adjourned. We've got some policies to instate.

Afterward: Wow, writing this without using "For Christ's sake!", "Jesus!", "Geez!", or other exclamations in that vein (as well as swearing, since God doesn't swear) was hellish, pardon the pun. I'll probably pick this up at some point in the future. Either that, or forget it completely as I start up a slew of new series to work on. This could've been written much better I feel, as a monologue rather than a dialog. Like God looking at how he messed up Heaven. Ah well.

For all the religimaniacs out there (Yes! Another new word!) no, I'm not dissing Christianity. Learn to laugh at yourself once in a while. It's a good habit.

Buddhism And Christianity?

DISCLAIMER: IF YOUR RELIGIOUS SENSIBILITIES ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. IN FACT, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE READING THIS BLOG AT ALL.

Well, this is the article which spawned this post. It's a little old, but no worries.

So, apparently the Virgin Mary has bothered to grace the earth with her presence once again. In the form of a lizard.

Well, I really don't know what to say, or how the hell to explain this. But I'm thinking that the Virgin Mary was actually (Duhn duhn duhn....) Buddhist!

That would explain lots and lots, actually. Buddhism suits the Virgin Mary so much better than Christianity. Don't give me any of that crap that she was married to Saint Joseph, and thus must be a Christian! I know very well that God doesn't just zoom into people's bellies and impregnate them. That was Zeus' job.

Let's compare Christianity and Buddhism (for all you folks not convinced already) and see how well each fits the Virgin Mary. Let's tackle the whole rebirth thing, first. Well, I know that every easter, zombie Jesus comes from the ground in search of delectable chocolates hidden within plastic, neon-colored eggs. I also know that he keeps his Jesusy form. Otherwise, we wouldn't know that he's Jesus.

When God brings people back to life, he brings them back as they were on the earth. But when Buddha reincarnates you, you get brought back as a representation of how you were in the past life. If you're lucky, you'll be a human again. If you're really lucky, you'll be a cow in India. If you're unlucky, you'll be a cow in America.

For example, for reincarnations, if you were really busy, and never paid anyone any mind, you could be brought back as a bee. If you were an athlete, you might be some sort of predatory animal (Tiger Woods will be reborn as.....any guesses?). Lawyers? Worms. (Unless you were a lawyer who worked pro bono. Then you're fishing bait.)

Now, what the Virgin Mary did to be reborn as a komodo lizard, I don't know. I don't think I want to know. But I do know that God sure as hell (Pun intended) doesn't bring you back as a lizard. I think Buddha wins this one.

So, what about the whole virgin thing? Well, like I said earlier, God doesn't give people babies. But in Indian mythos, you've got people getting pregnant left and right. Why? Because they prayed for babies. That fits pretty damn well with the whole I-got-pregnant-I-swear-I'm-still-a-virgin deal, doesn't it? I should think it does. (And don't even get me started on Chinese tales...)

If I haven't gotten you convinced yet, this will, I'm sure of it. God tells us in the Lord's Prayer, for crying out loud! (Saying for heaven's sake there would have just been pushing it)

Check it out for yourself. It uses the simple encryption method we now know as pick-and-choose-the-letters-you-need-to-make-your-message-work.

Now, the man up high obviously spelled Buddhist wrong, but you can't expect him to get every freaking word spelled right! I mean, they didn't even have editors back then. You should just be glad that that was all he misspelled. There are much worse things he could've done. Much worse.

I'm afraid that if you haven't been convinced by God's own word, you probably also think that Obama is out to kill humanity, and that bears are unpatriotic. Come on, man.