Ways Obama Has Messed Up

Obama is quite possibly the worst president ever. In the space of about a year and a half, he has totally, utterly, throttled the USA beyond recognition. And then curbstomped it before being hit with a golf club when his wife found out he was cheating on her with- Wait. Wrong guy.

Anyways, here's a short list of ways he's messed up.

The Census- This was his perfect chance to get every single illegal immigrant out of the US for good. And he totally passed it up. What I'm trying to say is, he could've have just ordered there for be another question added to the census.

"Are you a legal citizen of the United States of America?"

Simple as that. The illegal immigrants wouldn't even think of lying. And because all the census' have automated sensors on them, whenever that 'No' box was checked, the secret Black Ops team secretly stationed in every house would bust out and deport them. Problem. Solved.

Afghanistan- He said he would pull out. And he didn't. And got Afghanistan pregnant. With terrorists. Don't give me that bull that they were there before. They weren't, and I'm right because it says so on the internet.

North Korea- So they have (possibly) nukes. So do we (quite possibly). Why aren't we using them? We have more nukes, they have less space to nuke. I think we win no matter what. Why haven't you pushed the big red button Obama? Why?

The Stimulus Package- Wait. We're in a recession. And you're spending more? Good bloody job Obama. I mean what normal perso- Never mind. Stopping there. Sounding too much like Limbaugh. Must....veer....blog....away....

Letting the Big Three Fall- This does have some upside of it. It proves Obama is a terrorist. Only a terrorist would do something so unpatriotic. I mean, look at Americans now! Now we have to buy Italian cars, or European cars, or....wait. Italy is in Europe.

Anyways, to buy non-American things is just unpatriotic. And Obama is forcing us to be unpatriotic. Wait, just a moment. The voices in my head are trying to get my attention.

...

...

*ahem*...

Well, this is embarrassing. Apparently over half of the items in my house were made in China. Including the inhabitants. *ahem*

Next bullet point, then...

[Note: Roi not actually made in China. He'd have to be recalled for too much lead, or something.]

The Oath- Obama didn't actually make the official oath! He flubbed it! He says he did it later in the White House, but he's probably lying about that, too. Justice John Roberts is probably a cyborg, or something, with the real one dead in a lake behind the White House. Yes, the property is big enough for that.

Converting the Masses- He's converting the masses to his cult. Change-ism. Now, cults have existed in America before (See: Freemasons, Emo Stereotypes, D&D), but this is far beyond the reach of any of them. He wants us all to change, to break away from everything, to...okay, I don't know where this is going so I'm going to ramble on about how it's bad for a little longer and hope it convinces you. Believe me. It's bad. So bad words (apart from these) cannot express it.

I'm sure Obama has corrupted the innocents of America in other ways, but they were probably so bad my mind has suppressed those memories. Please don't bring them back.

To Take A Final

Here we go. As the school year nears the end for me, finals crash down.

Finals = bad, in case you didn't know. Or at least annoying.

However, recent observations (Okay, maybe not within the past six months. But adjectives are relative. Live with it.) have led me to conclude that there are [number] general ways to deal with a final. Some of the technique names may be racist. Deal with it.

Asian: Get ample sleep the night before. Take the final. Get 100%.

Minimalist: Figure out exactly what you need for a 90% in the class the night before. Get that score, get an A.

Cheater: Bring a pen to the final. Go up to the front of the room to sharpen it. “Realize” it’s a pen, making a very big deal about it and how stupid you were. Slowly saunter back to your seat, checking all the other finals on the way back. Forget everything, and repeat.

Thorough: Go through the final, answering each multiple choice question quickly. Afterwards, with 75% of the time remaining, check your answers. Three times. With 10 minutes left, sure of your answers, realize that the final was completely short answer questions, and panic.

Arson: Burn your final, then the school. Get the answers while the school is burning, then realize it probably won't be necessary at this point.

Spoiled: Don’t do the final, and expect a 100% because you are a winner (Mommy said so!) because winners always succeed.

Obnoxious: Complain loudly about how there wasn’t enough time to study for the final, and that it was a total surprise so you shouldn’t have to take it. Make sure you were partying every night beforehand and that the teacher told the class multiple times about the final.

Lawyer: Ask questions about every single question worded in such ways that the teacher unknowingly gives you the answer. Then sue the teacher when you get a 50%.

Communist: Fail the final then expect the teacher to average the class’ scores.

Terrorist: Bomb the building. Now nobody needs to take the final. BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL DEAD.

Hacker: Attempt to run a database search script on your final for the answers. Realize that paper cannot be hacked. Then try to brute force the final.

Capitalist: Sell "answers" to the final, then run before the day of the final. Doesn't matter that you failed....you're $10,000 ahead of everyone else now.

Crammer: Stay up late studying, realize it's 6 AM when you finish, fall asleep halfway through the final.

Indecisive: Stay up late deciding what to study, realize it's 6 AM, study for 10 minutes on a subject not covered on the final, spend the entire final deciding on the first word of your essay.

Zombie Phrases

Really, these never should have seen the light of day. But they did. Time to take the blog-shotgun and pop them in the head.

"I'll stop beating around the bush now..."- By saying that, you just delayed what you're about to say even longer. Cut that sentence out, save yourself a few breaths. There you go. Now I don't have to listen to you as long. This in itself is paradoxical. There is no need to state what you're doing. Moving on.

Heh. Irony.

Anyways...

"I'm going to cut the crap now..."- And then feed me a metric fuckton of bullshit. I get it. You're a politician. That's what you do. Now give the fake statistics, fallacious arguments, and opinions of a few worded to seem like the opinions of many, or that they matter at all.

"I didn't mean to mislead you..."- Sure. That's why you lied to me. Four times. I'm sure you meant to say the truth and your mouth warped it beyond belief.

"I'm going to be completely frank with you..."- Wait, so everything you said before that was in jest? Were they all lies? Enough said. (Same with "In all seriousness")

"It is what it is..."- Really now? I always thought it was something else. It couldn't have been it! It's been disguising itself all this time! Screw it; it's such a douche!

"I'm doing 110% here..."- Sorry, not possible. You'd need to be two people for that. Not two personalities, though you may have that, given how bipolar you can be. Just say 100%. It's one syllable less and thus will let you get back to your "110%" one syllable faster.

"Basically..."- Wait, you mean that it's only that way if you look at the surface? I knew you were a lying weasel, out with the truth!

"With all due respect..."- So in other words, none? You're about to rage at me with thinly veiled insults, I get it. Now get rid of those extra phrases so I can get back to preparing to set fire to your house quicker.

"Not to interrupt, but..."- Passive-aggressive much? I'm sure you didn't mean to interrupt, and your mouth opened of its own accord. Tricked your body into thinking it needs air, then began to speak? Yeah, I'm sure.

"Not to [verb], but..."- See the above. Your body just moved on its own, did it now?

Now, being the hypocrite I am, I'm going to turn around and use all of these in the next 24 hours. Save yourself.

RL Personalities: The "OMG THAT IS LIEK GAY"

Everybody knows this guy. The only adjective in his vocabulary is gay. (Okay, such girls exist too.

I'm just reverting to the sexist nature of English. My apologies.)

...

Wait, are "OMG THAT IS LIEK GAY" girls technically "OMG THAT IS LIEK LESBIAN"?

Okay, back on track. The OTILG/OTILL must be two things. Apart from the aforementioned lack of lexicon, they must also not be able to see the fallacies in their statement. (Also, you can point out that their statements are inherently gay as they are filled of phallusy.) They also commonly associated the word "so" with "gay" and begin their sentences with "wow".

Here are some snippets of conversation between a normal person and a OTILG:

[While watching TV]

OTILG: Wow Obama is so gay.

Regular Guy: ...

[While in class]

OTILG: Wow this homework is so gay.

Regular Guy: ...

[While getting texts off his phone]

OTILG: Wow this phone is so gay.

Regular Guy: ...

This quickly gets repetitive, especially when multiple such comments are fit into the space of a minute. Here's a dictionary, now look up some new words you imbecile. Hey, there's one for you.

Now, the OTILG is easily countered. All one needs is logical arguments. And not even in the plural. Just as the OTILG uses a "wow [item] is so gay" template, you can use a similar template.

"Actually, [item] is not gay. It is inanimate and thus incapable of reproducing. Please use a better word." This can be adjusted for maximum burn, as will be shown below, and should be if the item in question is a human.

[While watching TV]

OTILG: Wow Obama is so gay.

Regular Guy: Actually, Obama is not gay. If he was I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have children. Also, Limbaugh would never run out of radio topics again.

[While in class]

OTILG: Wow this homework is so gay.

Regular Guy: Actually, this homework is not gay. It is inanimate and thus incapable of reproducing, but if it were capable of reproduction, I'd want it to be gay so there wouldn't be more of it.

[While getting texts off his phone]

OTILG: Wow this phone is so gay.

Regular Guy: Actually, your phone is not gay. It is inanimate and thus incapable of reproducing. Though the texts you have may be capable of reproduction, as you have so many.

However, if the OTILG has any ability to rebut at all, s/he (There, sexism removed. Happy? I bet now you'll get pissed because I put the she first.) will respond with...

"Wow. Stop being gay. It's just a figure of speech."

Acceptable courses at this point include whacking them over the head with a dictionary until they learn a different adjective, and nuking them repeatedly.

Time to sleep now and hope for a more lucid post tomorrow.

RL Personalities: The OCD

So, starting a new series, as the AIDS one is somewhat exhausted.

Time to run this one into the ground as well. It's basically AIDS, but for real life.

The OCD is the most easily identified, or among them. They're the ones who got trapped inside your school's trophy display case after adjusting each award so that they were arranged from shortest to tallest. They're also the ones who have to have their pencils all at the exact same length, and has their bookshelf at home alphabetized by the second letter of the seventh word in the book.

The OCD is like a superhero. Except obsessed with putting things in order instead of being able to fly. During times of peace, they're that guy who works three cubicles over from you and gets a double latte in the morning. But when something is put out of order, BAM!, they're rearranging it needlessly in no time at all!

Now, the OCD brings both benefits and drawbacks to the table (Neatly arranged in two separate stacks, of course). I'll start with the benefits. If you need any sorting (Laundry, legal documents, computer files) just mention it offhandedly near them, and they'll be on it without your needing to ask. Menial tasks such as refilling the printer paper, and picking up a bunch of dropped supplies will be done with happiness by the OCD, and if you want to mess with them, make a habit of dropping uncooked rice and sesame seeds onto the floor.

But this can turn on you. When you're trying to enjoy your sandwich at lunch, for instance, it can be a little bit annoying having someone making sure that the top piece of bread is being eaten at the same ratio as the bottom piece. Later, when you're trying to write a report on your company's earnings, you might get annoyed when they sort the words in your document alphabetically. And once they start complaining about how the cars in the parking lot need to be arranged chromatically to make a rainbow, that's pushing it more than a little.

Once you get to that point, you'll have to reel the OCD in. There are multiple ways of going about this, but by far the easiest is to become the anti-OCD. This means you will have to intentionally cause chaos within the "natural order of things". It's not that hard. Hang your jacket inside-out on the door. Turn the paper towel rolls in the bathrooms backwards. Come to company meetings with one thumb completely blue.

If the OCD isn't tearing their hair out (Okay, I lied, the only thing to make them less OCD is pills) by now from your techniques, they might be a FCDO. In other words, a Fake OCD (Trying to prove they're OCD by alphabetizing the letters). These people will tout their "OCD" like a banner, shouting louder than that one loud guy that they are OCD, then turn around and not try to make all the windows on the fourth floor open exactly 45 degrees. Introduce these people to an actual OCD (By locking them in a room with the OCD for a day) if they become too annoying. They will no longer be "OCD" the next day.

And just in case you're OCD...

Have fun correcting that.

Buddhism And Christianity?

DISCLAIMER: IF YOUR RELIGIOUS SENSIBILITIES ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. IN FACT, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE READING THIS BLOG AT ALL.

Well, this is the article which spawned this post. It's a little old, but no worries.

So, apparently the Virgin Mary has bothered to grace the earth with her presence once again. In the form of a lizard.

Well, I really don't know what to say, or how the hell to explain this. But I'm thinking that the Virgin Mary was actually (Duhn duhn duhn....) Buddhist!

That would explain lots and lots, actually. Buddhism suits the Virgin Mary so much better than Christianity. Don't give me any of that crap that she was married to Saint Joseph, and thus must be a Christian! I know very well that God doesn't just zoom into people's bellies and impregnate them. That was Zeus' job.

Let's compare Christianity and Buddhism (for all you folks not convinced already) and see how well each fits the Virgin Mary. Let's tackle the whole rebirth thing, first. Well, I know that every easter, zombie Jesus comes from the ground in search of delectable chocolates hidden within plastic, neon-colored eggs. I also know that he keeps his Jesusy form. Otherwise, we wouldn't know that he's Jesus.

When God brings people back to life, he brings them back as they were on the earth. But when Buddha reincarnates you, you get brought back as a representation of how you were in the past life. If you're lucky, you'll be a human again. If you're really lucky, you'll be a cow in India. If you're unlucky, you'll be a cow in America.

For example, for reincarnations, if you were really busy, and never paid anyone any mind, you could be brought back as a bee. If you were an athlete, you might be some sort of predatory animal (Tiger Woods will be reborn as.....any guesses?). Lawyers? Worms. (Unless you were a lawyer who worked pro bono. Then you're fishing bait.)

Now, what the Virgin Mary did to be reborn as a komodo lizard, I don't know. I don't think I want to know. But I do know that God sure as hell (Pun intended) doesn't bring you back as a lizard. I think Buddha wins this one.

So, what about the whole virgin thing? Well, like I said earlier, God doesn't give people babies. But in Indian mythos, you've got people getting pregnant left and right. Why? Because they prayed for babies. That fits pretty damn well with the whole I-got-pregnant-I-swear-I'm-still-a-virgin deal, doesn't it? I should think it does. (And don't even get me started on Chinese tales...)

If I haven't gotten you convinced yet, this will, I'm sure of it. God tells us in the Lord's Prayer, for crying out loud! (Saying for heaven's sake there would have just been pushing it)

Check it out for yourself. It uses the simple encryption method we now know as pick-and-choose-the-letters-you-need-to-make-your-message-work.

Now, the man up high obviously spelled Buddhist wrong, but you can't expect him to get every freaking word spelled right! I mean, they didn't even have editors back then. You should just be glad that that was all he misspelled. There are much worse things he could've done. Much worse.

I'm afraid that if you haven't been convinced by God's own word, you probably also think that Obama is out to kill humanity, and that bears are unpatriotic. Come on, man.

To Write An Essay

There are many components needed to write an essay in high school. I'm sure many of you have experienced writing an essay, but you can't call yourself a true high schooler until you can write an essay like a pro.

How? Well, first you'll need your materials.

-Essay to write, preferably due the next day, or that day

-Snacks

-Computer with internet access

-Spot next to window

So, how do we go about this? First off, get your essay started. Look over the topic. Got it? Now open word up on the computer.

Damn, it's taking a long time to load, isn't it? Here, in the mean time, open up chrome. Hmm, better check your email. And facebook. And twitter. And your other email. Oh look, facebook's loaded. Check Farmville (Oh, you're a good little cow, aren't you, oh yes you are! I'm going to harvest you tomorrow, aren't you happy?), and Mafia Wars, and, oh look, 300 new status updates. Comment on each individually.

Well, now that word is booted up, type your heading in. Oh, crap, you left double space on. And you don't remember how to turn it back to single spacing. Better check the internet for ans- hey! I've got a new email! Oh, just spam. Back to...whatever you were doing.

Oh, right, the essay. Hm. Time to make a thesis. How about an outline instead? Yeah, that's a good idea. And you can make it on paint, too. There's a circle for the middle, we'll save that for a B.S. thesis for later. Now, make lines stretching from it. If you're a true nerd, increase the hex code of the color for the lines by FF each time. Now, make bubbles attached to each of those. Now it's starting to look like an engorged octopus. Hey! It's a mutant zombie octopus! Kill it with fire! Call in the army (Draw stick people with guns, and some tanks)! Fire! We have vanquished the mighty zombie octopus! Yes!

Crap! Soldiers are going AWOL! We must kill them for....some cause you'll fight for! Onwards! Blam, blam! Ah, there we go. Now your screen is filled with fake blood, and badly drawn, too.

Great outline you've got there.

Ah, screw the outline. Let's just try to do the essay from the start. Okay...type a few lines...hey! Another email! Better check it in case its something important, like the death of your professor! Nope, just spam again. Come on...

Back to....HOLY CRAP A NEW PENDULUM ALBUM I MUST GET IT AND LISTEN TO IT FOR FOUR HOURS!

Once you have been drum & bassed up (or some other sort of music, it doesn't matter), go back to your essay. But damn, it's hard to concentrate on an empty stomach. After falling into a music-induced trance for four hours, you're pretty hungry. How about some Doritos. Yeah, that should do it.

You know what, those Doritos are probably pretty lonely in your belly. They'd go great with some dip. Yeah, dip, yum. And while you're at it, might as well make some sandwiches. After all, chips and dip are only an appetizer. You might be up here for a while, so you might as well make your dinner too.

Okay, okay, you've eaten enough to last yourself for a few days. Now, ummm, now what? Right, the essay. Yeah, the essay. Wow. You've gotten a heading, and a title. Good job. Look at the time. You have one hour before it's due. Oh crap. Quick quick quick stress stress stress! Oh crap oh crap oh crap! Good thing you've got that window right next to you to relax yourself. Ah, isn't that peaceful? You can watch that bird chirp and fly by, and watch that boat cruise across the lake, and holy crap it's been fifty minutes. Quickly! Find the relevant wikipedia article, copy-paste it, and print! There you go, essay done, with eight minutes to spare. Phew. Now you can relax, and check your email, facebook, and twitter and oh crap there's another assignment due isn't there.

Omgwtflol (aka Annoying Internet Denizens Pt.5)

You've seen them before. Even on the most literary-based forums with the snootiest posters, they will be there. The one who doesn't contribute jack, and yet somehow has the most posts of anyone on the site. They are not hard to find, because they are in every forum, with a "lol" or "wow". And nothing else. Oh, good for you. You've got 20k posts? You've also typed in 20k words on the site. Isn't that interesting?

Sample:

OP: Hey think about this rather interesting thing. [3 paragraphs of text which are semi-enlightening, probably took an hour or so to type]

theomgwtflol: lolwut? first!

The omgwtflol's can be characterized not only by their one to two word posts, but also the overuse of strange, obscure acronyms, half of which were probably made up on the spot, inability to find their shift key (As opposed to the caps lock rager), completely meaningless posts, and frequent immaturity. At times (in other words, all the time) omgwtflols will fill their posts with acronyms or contractions (and not grammatically correct ones, either) only. Then exclamation mark spam thereafter.

Sample: omg rly???!?!?!??! lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good job. For every keystroke you would have saved yourself by using acronyms and false contractions, you lost in excess punctuation. And that sentence made me sound like a real douche. But still, if your goal was to save yourself time, I don't think you did. If you really wanted to save yourself time (and us, as well) just don't post. Truly lazy people don't go out of the way to say they're lazy; that's too much unneeded effort. So follow the same line of thought, and we'll appreciate you for it. Or rather, hate you less.

Apart from "first"-ing threads, and "omgwtf"-ing everywhere else, what do omgwtflol's do?

--Bump every thread they can.

Do you not understand that there is such a thing as a dead thread? Or that it may have purposefully have been sent to the next page? Oh, yes, of course we should resurrect this thread except for the fact that nobody has posted in it for a year and the original poster was banned for giving links to trojans! If you're that desperate to increase your postcount, make your own thread, lock it to everyone but yourself, make a bot that posts in it, and run the bot. Voila. You get your posts, we stop hating you. Problem(s) solved.

--Make threads as pointless as their posts. Then "first" it, appending a "lol" for irony at the end of their post.

Okay, a link that says "watch this rly fnny vid i found!!!!!!!" linked to "the 100 best lolcatz EVAR!!!!!" is just what I needed, of course. My life would not have been complete without it. And yes, of course I need to see "top 10 sk8bord trikks" or I will die a sad man. Chances are that by the time the omgwtflol dies, they will have linked every youtube video to the forum they lurk in.

--PM Spam

This is potentially the most annoying thing omgwtflol's do. You wake up in the morning, check your inbox, and find over 1k messages. All from the same person. All titled the same, and all containing, "hi!!!!!!"

Yeah, I really laughed at that. Hurr hurr. That was pretty damn genius of you, too.

--Randomly Post "i lost the game lol"

Everywhere. In topics which don't even vaguely mention any sort of activity.

Oh, and yes, you did just lose the game. Live with it.

So, what can we do against this particular case of AIDS?

There is only one option. Nukes.

Oh, if only. But really, here's what you can do:

The Dangerous Solution: "First" every thread before they do (Yes, with a capital 'f'), and spam their inbox until it's full. With any luck they will become bored to the point that they will find a different forum (hopefully one you aren't in) to harass. Beware that you do not become an omgwtflol in the process. To prevent against this, I suggest typing a three-page essay using proper capitalization and no contractions whatsoever, slapping yourself with a cattle prod each time you don't do so for each day you are enacting this solution.

The Douche Solution: Spend ten hours typing a multiple-page PM filled to the brim with hatred attacking them, their family, and their little dog too, send it, then make it public. If it works, they'll never be seen again. If it backfires, you'll be banned. Take one for the team, come on!

The Blogger's Solution: Err, blog about it. That's about it.

The Passive-Aggressive Solution: Figure out the poster's IP, and use that to find their country, city, and home address. Then, write several nice notes asking them to "kindly cease posting inane gibberish on [insert forum name here]", mailing them at one week intervals. Follow this up with notes that sound slightly miffed, growing in anger with each week, (But always ending in, "Thanks, [your name here]") until you finally mail them a paint bomb, and laugh hysterically for an hour after mailing it out. Alternatively, spam their computer with viruses. If you know them in real life, give them the evil eye every day.

To cap off this post, I would like to say that it is only the severest offenders who qualify as omgwtflols. If you happened to lose your shift key after putting your computer in the wash, or happen to agree exactly with the person who posted above you, and can post nothing but "I agree", that's fine. But if your keyboard only has the 'f', 'i', 'r', 's', and 't' keys on it...

Yeah, you're dead.

I would also be severely disappointed if someone doesn't take this rather perfect chance for irony...

The Glass, Revisited

And the half-filled glass of water is back again, to challenge the minds of various occupations (some of which aren't quite jobs)!

The politician has been left off, lest I cause redundancy with my last post.

Lawyer: Objection! That isn't water! (And that will be a $75 fee for those words...)

Judge: The verdict is ten hours in the digestive system of the plaintiff.

Preachy Guy: Judge not lest ye be judged.

Psychoanalyst: Well, really, it doesn't matter what it looks like. What does the water think it is?

Guy-Who-Lives-In-His-Mother's-Basement: Well, if it works on its hydration skill for another 24 hours, it'll be empty. Can I get back to killing boars now?

Environmental Alarmist: It's less than a half glass as the water, if you would examine it with this overly complex machine, it contains 1200 ppm of atmospheric pollutants. This is a 100% increase from the last glass of water! If we don't shut all the factories down at once, soon our water will be completely made of pollutants!

Economist: The market says the glass is half-empty. Quickly, short all your H2O stocks to me!

Scientist: Well, this glass could easily be an outlier. I will need to be supplied with two more like glasses at minimum to give any valid results.

Philosopher: Is the water?

General: Nuke it, problem solved.

Cheap-Ass Bartender: It a'int free, that's for sure. Pay up.

Druggie: Woah....when was the last time you noticed, like, how watery water is?

Guy-Not-Too-Grounded-In-Reality: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Serial Killer: *kills you*

Guy-Who-Hangs-Out-At-The-Water-Cooler-All-Day: It doesn't matter, fill it up so you can dawdle here longer.

Gamer: Is that a healing potion?

Blogger: I could make this into a blog post. Be right back.

The Gringo Mask

A company in Maine has released a fantastic new product!

It is called a gringo mask!

Now, what is this? It's a cutout of a blond-haired, blue-eyed person. Male or female. (For those of you who are confused about their gender, now would be a good time to choose.) You cut the mask out, and put it on your face to mask your true race. Useful for bypassing all sorts of racial profiling.

So, what could this be about? Well, it's a blatant effort to aid illegal immigrants in Arizona in avoiding being deported! And it seems like it will be quite effective. I mean, once you put on a mask, you're a totally different person! Even if your mask happens to look exactly like the person's next to you, makes your face look like it's hovering two inches in front of where it should be, and is two-dimensional! Disregard the fact that the facial expression never changes, either! It's going to make killer profits for this company!

This will definitely solve the problem of illegal immigration in Arizona. If we can get all the illegal immigrants to wear these gringo masks, we can totally forget about the racial profiling law; it'll be torn down as soon as it proves to be completely ineffective when every person in Arizona is the same race! What about it, huh?

The only thing which gets me is the fact that this company is up in Maine. I mean, why not in Arizona? What does Maine know about illegal immigrants? I'm sure they've got Canadians pouring in left and right, eager to escape their free healthcare. I say, have them hand the service over to an Arizonan company who will be better able to relate to their customers, like Arizona Iced Tea. Don't tell me that illegal immigrants don't drink iced tea!

Unfortunately, the site selling these masks has been pulled. Wait, what? That makes no sense?

Oh, so you were giving the masks away for free? No wonder! How the hell can you expect to make a profit if you're giving away your only product for free? You've just deprived yourself of this wonderful business opportunity, and the chance to laugh in Arizona's face as they can't tell illegal immigrant from legal citizen! I mean, can you see any difference between these two people?

Nope, I couldn't either! I mean, the fact that I couldn't tell the difference between a soulless mask meant to hide an illegal immigrant, and the president (who is about as legal as you get, and no, I don't mean in that way), says something about that mask. And don't you start giving me that crap about Obama not having a birth certificate, and not being a legal resident of the United States.

Here's a flowchart I found that explains it quite simply.

There we go.

Fini.

Boycotting Arizona

So, now Seattle is boycotting Arizona. It's actually kinda old news, but this isn't FOX news (And boy am I glad it isn't.)

But, anyways, for the average Seattleite, what does that really mean?

As I doubt most of us are going to Arizona any time soon, not much, really.

Wait. I take that back.

No Arizona Iced Tea.

...

Crap.

Well, okay, it doesn't really hit me, per se. But in an interview, a Seattleite (who will remain anonymous) stated, "I'll, like, die [without Arizona Iced Tea]!"

That statement may or may not have been pulled from a cellphone conversation of a random person at the bus stop.

But, if you don't believe that, look at what this poll says. I've made it a pretty chart and everything to make it look believable!

See! As time increases, thirst increases too! Disregard the utter lack of content, and look at the rising red line! Red is bad! See, if we don't have Arizona Iced Tea, that's bad! In fact, in a poll, 100% of responses showed that Arizona Iced Tea was essential to life. Never mind how many people were polled.

Oh, don't tell me you want to look at the graph again! Here, look at the shiny stars on the graph. Shiiiiiinnnnyyyy.....now walk away from the graph and stop pointing out the fallacies within it which do not exist.

So, how else is Seattle impacted?

Well, we lose the use of some of our red-light cameras.

This is also bad, almost as bad as losing the iced tea. How will we ever catch people who run red lights? And furthermore, how will the city sustain itself?

A pretty freaking huge part of Seattle's budget comes from those lights. Almost $124 a month!

That's like....

Well, almost one one-hundredth of a percent of our annual budget! We'll never survive!

We must call this boycott off before we all die of dehydration and lack of funding!

--------------

Afterword: The voices in my head have just informed me that Arizona Iced Tea is actually made in New York. Wow. Way to rip off the name of a state, New York. We should boycott you too.

Public Service Announcement #1

This is an announcement for the health of all my readers.

Please refrain from eating food. Food is something which we would all be better off with. Plus, it's inhumane to eat food.

First, food causes death. Not just any sort of death.

The permanent kind. Not in books, where you can be resurrected. (I'm sorry Harry Potter fans, but Dumbledore won't be there to save you in the end.) All people in the past who have eaten food have died.

Think about that. It has a 100% mortality rate. Nobody has escaped.

It might not be too late for you to escape its clutches, if you stop eating food now!

For all you religious-types, eating food is a SIN.

It is a sin worse than pride, or envy, or greed, or even pride-envy-greed, whatever that is.

Eating food is consuming the fruit of the Earth. Food is like Mother Earth's babies. (Yes, she does get around)

You are a despicable baby-killer. Left and right I hear cries about how Obamacare kills babies with its abortion clauses. And yet, these hypocritical Republicans go home, and eat babies! Alive!

And then, food is foodicide. It's not just meat, you realize. All those vegetarian organizations, they aren't about saving animals! They're about killing innocent, helpless, vegetables! They corrupt our youth from day one, teaching them that to "vegetate" is to sit there and do nothing, while to "animalate" is to be very active. Now, which seems like something easier to murder, and consume? Something which just sits there, and lets you eat it, or something which runs away when you try to kill it?

Exactly. If the vegetarian societies were truly for what they say they are for, they would teach us the opposite. Would you eat a man in a coma? (Note: The guy is a vegetable!)

Back on track then. All food comes from a sentient being, whether you know it or not.

Tofu ranchers are a huge problem, and the vegetarians are only helping them tear mother tofus away from their babies. More on that in a later post on why everyone should eat meat and wear fur coats and leather jackets.

But, the point is, vegetables are murder too. There's just no alliteration there. All food is murder. Do you want murder weighing on your conscience? I thought not. There's another reason.

Now, at this point, you're probably crying out,

"But I can't live without food!"

Oh, yes you can. There are many alternatives to food. Filter feeding, for instance.

Or, you could eat genetically engineered "food". It may look like tasteless goop, but food is food. Or, in this case, not-food is food. Sorta. If it helps, put a cow face on it and pretend it's a steak.

Remember! Food is foodicide!

---

Afternote: Wow, that became a real spiel about, well, not what I meant it to be about.

If it makes you laugh, though, it has done its job.

Top Secret Project

Defense Secretary Robert Gates recently let slip on a top-secret military project stationed in area 51. In a hearing last Monday when asked about current Pentagon projects, he stated, "The United States Military is investigating several new innovations to change how we fight. Automatic guns, robots, tanks, they're all on the list."

Ace Reporter (name withheld for legal purposes) has been working around the clock to find out more. And he has made quite a find. On the Pentagon database, he has found this snippet

"...a tank.....does not need fuel.....huge guns......explosions......kill....supersoldier....transform....nuke"

For legal reasons, I am unable to state how this information was procured, but I can say that involved copious amounts of Mountain Dew, several keyboards, and a "Hacking for Dummies" book.

This doesn't give too much information, but from what I can tell, it seems to be some sort of tank, that doesn't need fuel. It has huge guns and explosions, can kill supersoldiers, and turn into a nuke. Or something.

Well, that's not much to go off of, but my crack reporter also found this on google maps.

Yup. It's a giant transformer. In Area 51. It's nowhere near completion, obviously, but I can imagine the finished project will look something like this.

When this thing is completed, it will be awesome. We can fly it over to the Middle East, and blow stuff up! And then it can find some long-lost rock from outer space and blow more stuff up! And then we can make that into a movie with a thin plot and lots of CGI- I mean, beat everyone at war. Think of the explosions!

Also, rumor has it that Michael Bay is the project head.

Why I Will Never Go To France

France is somewhere I never plan on going to. Why? There are too many reasons to count (And I can count higher than 5!), but I'll try to cover most of them.

First, I wouldn't be able to suffer their snootiness. I mean, how can you interact with someone who can only talk to you by looking down their too-angled nose, past their curved mustache, and raised lower lip? You can't! I mean, these people are on such high horses, they have to speak a whole different fucking language. Oh? So you're too good for English, now, are you? (And don't get me started on the Chinese...they're too good even for our alphabet!) Well, I hope the Germans invade you again!

While we're on the subject of war, that's another reason I'd never go to France. They're pansies. Have they ever won a war? Google knows all. And Google says...

Or, in other words, NO!

And no, this isn't me being tricky and hitting "I'm Feeling Lucky". That button isn't there. (On a slightly related note, Pacman is such a time-eater in addition to a glowy-dot eater.)

As far as I know, and as far as Google knows, France has never won a battle. Why?

They surrender every time! So if the Neo-Nazis invaded France when I was there (which I wouldn't be), France would surrender, and I would be screwed. (Also, Godwin's Law)

Moving on...

France derives a majority of its power from nuclear power. In fact, 78.8% of their power is nuclear. And what else is nuclear? Nukes. Just in case you didn't know.

If Chernoble were to happen again, but with France's nukes (Oh, don't give me that bull that they aren't hiding nukes in those reactors!), AND Neo-Nazi's invaded, I'd be doubly screwed. Plus, I'd grow an extra arm and grow to fifty times my size. (Maybe that'd make my nonexistent BMI double-digits?)

Plus, where does France store all that nuclear waste? Not in the Parliament, that's for sure. And if the leaders of the country aren't shouldering it, who must be? The common people. I bet every single Frenchman (and Frenchwoman, Frenchchild, and Frenchpoodle) would make my Geiger counter go haywire. I shudder to think of how many extra appendages they have.

And a final reason I'd never go to France?

If you flip it around, take out the Cna, and the F, and add a T to the beginning, and an Rorist to the end, you get...

Yup. Terrorist.

That's Not What You Think It Means

WARNING: THIS POST GENERATED IN A FACILITY CONTAINING WRITER'S BLOCK!

There are a number of words, phrases, and punctuation which are often used improperly. It can be the source of hilarity or irritation. Here is a list of some of those things.

Quotation marks. They're fine when used properly, but when overused, or surrounding words for emphasis in plain text (It's different for law texts, as I believe I have been informed) it just makes you sound silly.

Example: Hey, I have a set of rare "encyclopedias" to "sell"! They are in mint "condition", and are a complete set. I "ask" for $150 for "all" of them.

So, let's take this apart. (Or rather, I will. You just keep reading.)

Are you selling encyclopedias? Or something else? Perhaps it's the street name for, say, weed?

Or is it something else entirely? Perhaps you're trying to pass off a car as some encyclopedias? Not going to work, sorry.

And by "sell", do you really mean sell? Maybe you're loaning them to me? Or by sell, do you mean, throw violently if you approach my house.

That's as "far" as I'll "go" into that "topic". I hope you can "see" how unnecessary quotations are just "unnecessary".

And as a parting blow, when you make a run-on sentence, you're not just alienating the period, you're abusing the comma. Please give them equal attention.

When words are misused, as some all too often are, a little piece of me dies inside. Admittedly, it's a quite little piece. Otherwise, I would be totally dead.

One of the top offenders is bemused.

No, it does not mean to be amused. That's just you being lazy and not wanting to pronounce an extra vowel. To be bemused is to be either deep in thought, or confused.

Onwards to decimation!

No, you mean oblivion. Or extermination. You're not going to have 10% of you killed, are you?

If you decimate something, you eliminate 10% of it. You do not completely destroy it. So yes, decimating Hitler's armies wasn't that effective after all. Perhaps you should have tried looking in the "encyclopedias" you "bought" before giving those orders to your troops.

Video games are a pretty big offender in this next one. Your character uses Thunder, and they shoot a bolt of electricity.

Thunder, in case you didn't know, is composed of noise. Lightning is God's taser, not thunder. Get it right, Final Fantasy.

I'll end this with one phrase.

I'm sorry, but music does not soothe the savage beast. It soothes, yes, the savage breast. You heard me right. No further comment.

Time to stop sounding like a uptight prick who gives a shit about how you use words (Okay, maybe the thunder thing actually annoys the crap out of me) and end this post, then.

Half-What?

I'm sure all of you have heard the half-empty/half-full deal at least a good hundred times already.

Here's a slightly different take on that. We know how optimists and pessimists see the glass....what about other ways of thought/life?

Realists - I can touch the glass. It exists. I can touch the water. It exists too.

Nihilists - None of this exists.

Absurdists - Why are you trying to derive meaning from a glass of water? You are not going to unlock the secrets of the mind with a glass of water. Now drink your damn water and get on with your life.

Kantianists - It doesn't matter what this glass of water is to me. It is my duty to consume it.

Rastafarians - Hey, man, it don' matta. Jus' chill.

"Smooth" Talkers - Enough about this glass of water, let's talk about you.

Narcissists - Enough about this glass of water, let's talk about me.

Surrealists - Whoah. Wouldn't it be cool if this cup was a melting clock, or like, an elephant?

Cynics - Why does the water have to be in a glass?

Non-Conformists - I'm not going to conform to any of your prejudices about who I am.

Conformists - What did the previous guy say?

Agnostics - Make the water prove it exists.

Republicans - No.

Democrats - Obama!

Analysts - Actually, since we've been talking, .064% of the water has evaporated, and the glass was not 50% full in the beginning, so, neither.

Defeatists - Is there really a point in answering this? You're going to write down half-full anyways.

Capitalism - I don't know, but I'll call it half-fullif I can sell the glass for more profit.

Communism - I hope you're going to divide the water among the masses afterwards.

Democracy - Which will get me the most votes?

All Your Post Are Belong To Me (aka Annoying Internet Denizens Pt.4)

The meme spammer is yet another type of AIDS. (Is that joke getting tired yet?)

The meme spammer can often be found lurking in forums, waiting for the perfect moment to spring up, and shoot their meme gun. If they are successful, someone will succumb to the meme and begin to use it. This is how memes are spread.

But meme spammers are not your run-of-the-mill forumite. Your average forumite will occasionally use a meme to add to the conversation, or to make a witty point. Consider them snipers, or at least, looking down the sights of their meme gun.

Meme spammers are the same sort of people who spray-and-pray in MW2. Except their meme gun will never run out of bullets. And they shoot from the hip. With akimbo meme guns.

Rather than even attempt to reproduce the horror that is a meme spammer, this XKCD comic about gets it right.

So, now that you know how to identify them, how can you counter them?

That's the only reason you're reading this, right?

Well, it's really not too hard. Just like a MW2 sprayer, you can just knife them. With words!

Okay, I've carried this MW2 metaphor for too long. Stopping now. Time to shoot it down like a chopper gunner.

Wait. Shit.

Anyways, once you have identified the meme spammer, as with any case of AIDS, you have several courses of action.

The Troublemaker - Reply to the post before theirs, and as a post-script, add a link to a random youtube video, telling them that their memes are outdated, and that this is the newest one.

The Troll - As above, but instead of a random video, link them to something which will cause them to need mind bleach, and lots of it.

The Apathetic - Ignore their post, and get on with your life. Someone else will handle it eventually. Or not. It doesn't matter, you know.

The Bragger - Out-meme them. How many meme's are necessary? Over 9000.

The United States Of Iceland

The global powers are constantly changing. First Greece, then Rome. After them, Italy, then England, followed by Germany. Russia was soon to follow, then the United States. China threatens to become a power as large as the United States, and some say it has already reached that point. I personally won't believe that until their obesity rates rival ours. I probably also missed more than a few past or current world powers in there, but they couldn't have been that great if I can't remember them.

But now, on the horizon, the United States (and to a lesser degree, all the other countries of the world) and its seat of authority, is being threatened by another country.

Iceland.

Yes, the country of ice, and land. That one. (Not the beer one.) It will take the United States' rulership by taking over.

And how will it usurp our seat of power? By first incapacitating our government and communication and transportation systems, and then invading.

Yes, with ice. What else would they use? Guns? Hah, don't kid with me. If they had guns, their name would be Gunland, or something.

Well, they've already got their first checkbox filled in. Government made useless.

We didn't need them to do that though. We did that to ourselves.

Or rather, the republicans did, by making us read thousands of pages healthcare bills.

Good on you.

The communication and transportation systems will come shortly. The volcano Eyjafjallajökull which erupted, caused massive damage to Europe's airline systems, causing shutdowns of airlines and almost no movement, save for that via train. That was only a test.

The ash cloud is going to be hanging around for quite a while too. Makes you wonder what sort of sacrifices they've been making to cause such flatulence.

Don't believe that Iceland fired that volcano on purpose? They say it was a natural disaster? That's what I'd say too, if I was trying to cover up. If it was a natural disaster, a random occurrence....why weren't they affected? Huh? Not a single Icelandic airport closed? Hmmm....

Now that they know how strong their weapon is, they'll be launching this weapon of mass destruction at the United States. Once they've destroyed our workplace productivity by making everyone talk on facebook and twitter about the latest smoke cloud, they'll invade. Everybody will be too busy trying to save their virtual farms from the smoke that they won't even notice when their manager is replaced by a polar bear. Or when they start getting paid in fish.

Once that's happened, the next step is....

No, it's too horrible. I can't say it.

I'll move on to how we can combat this incoming disaster.

Flamethrowers. Lots of them. We need to avert this disaster before anything else happens.

Yup, it's preemptive strike time.

I know the last attempt didn't work out so well, but this time, we have the perfect counter.

Fire kills ice. Flamethrowers are made of fire. And Iceland is made of-

Just a moment....

[To voices in head: You're saying Iceland isn't made of ice? And I suppose Greenland isn't all lush and foresty either.

It isn't? What. The. Heck. Can't trust names any more these days.]

Ahem. Excuse me. I appear to have been mistaken.

Call off the flamethrowers. Iceland, is apparently, made of land. Crazy, right? I mean, I thought it was just a floating iceberg!

I suppose the only thing left to do is nuke them. I mean, that's the only thing left to do. They've already neutralized our flamethrowers by turning all their ice into land (shouldn't they be called Landland then?), and surrounded themselves by sea so our land troops can't get there, and made the rest of the sea land so our sea units can't get there EITHER. Our only choice is a nuke.

It's not too late. Yet. We must act now.

Obama Is Out To Kill Mankind

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant to be offensive to any person or persons, nor to any religion/faith, ethnicity, race, gender, culture, political party, prude, or overly P.C. commentator. It is satire. Get over it.

There. I said it. The Truth is out. Not the truth. The Truth.

Obama is out to kill every single human being out there. And your little dog too. (That's just a little further down his agenda)

And I finally have proof of this. I know you will all gape in disbelief, but I have the undeniable proof of this twisted agenda. He has announced this back when he was still running to be president, and again more recently.

First, in his speech on 7/24/08, in Berlin, he said, "All....people...must...abandon...the....world."

That's pretty clear, isn't it? Well, just to disguise his agenda, he put other words in to distract us. But he can't hide from the Truth! He's cunning enough to put it in at the very beginning, so when he nukes us, he can tell us he warned us beforehand!

Later, in his State of the Union address, he said, "I...will.....eliminate all....Americans. [A]nd slash...people...without delay. I...will...help....terrorists. I...will...spread these [nuclear] weapons...and....launch...nuclear materials."

Scary, isn't it? And he said it, right there, in Washington! And are we doing anything about it? No. We should be. It is simply unpatriotic not to. Obviously when he said nuclear materials, he meant nukes. He's just using larger words to confuse us more.

Now, Obama is also furthering the destruction of humans in his policy. See the bailout. What is he doing with that? He's spending money. When America is in huge debt. You don't spend more money when you're in debt, you save it up, and pay your debt off. Obama is bankrupting America.

And at the same time, he's using that money for his own nefarious purposes. Have you seen his healthcare bill? The bill has provisions for abortion for rape victims and those in poverty who otherwise could not afford an abortion. This man is so nefarious, he's killing Americans BEFORE they're born!

And what about his blatant support for terrorists? As if saying it in public wasn't enough, as part of this "bailout" plan of his, he is funding terrorist behavior. $40.6 billion is gone fore education funding. Funding for colleges, funding for high schools. And what is this funding being used for?

Muslim support groups.

The Jewish community is onto, him though. On May 9th, the Washington Times reported that Obama lost almost half of his Jewish support. They can sense that he's doing something wrong. I.e. supporting terrorists. They can see that this money, supposedly going towards the "education of our country" is going to terrorist groups.

Don't believe this? The Republicans knew this from the start. Recently, at UCSD, a prominent member of the Muslim Student Association spoke up in support of one of the actions of Hezbollah. It is obvious that this member speaks for the entire association, which in turn, speaks for the entire Muslim community of San Diego.

I haven't heard any protest against this speech from anyone else in the United States, so this community of San Diego, so they must obviously represent the Muslim community of the United States. Of course! It's so simple! And obviously, because this member is in support of one of Hezbollah's actions, they're in support of all of them! The Hezbollah group is a terrorist group, and if you agree with a terrorist, you are one too.

If terrorists didn't agree with each other, then there'd be no command, no heirarchy, no common cause. The problem of terrorism wouldn't exist. So obviously, all terrorists agree with each other. Making this member of the Muslim Student Association a terrorist. And as all the Muslims of America agree with this (as proven above) they must all be terrorists.

And Obama is funding them. How many bombs can $40.6 billion buy?

More than one. And that's a lot.

Obama is a terrorist too. Obama enjoys living. Osama enjoys living. They share an opinion, and are both for terrorist causes (that's a second opinion!)....they must be aligned.

And, there's only a one letter difference in their names. Perhaps they're a single entity?

Moving on to further prove my point...

Last year, Obama requested an 8% increase for defense spending for 2010, as reported by AP. What would this be used for?

Wikipedia defines defense spending as, "A military budget of an entity...dedicated to raising and maintaining armed forces for that entity." And Wikipedia is never wrong; it's not as if anyone could just edit it.

So, Obama is going to make more guns, tanks, and planes. He's going to increase the size of the military, and get more weaponry. Guess what? News flash! Guns kill people!

Tanks kill people too. Just with bigger explosions.

So Obama is has an extra $600 billion to kill people with. He is out to get us all. Action must be taken.

And before you say anything, my logic makes perfect sense. If you try to attack it and blather on about logical fallacies, you're out of your mind. The Truth cannot be fallacious. So take this Truth and use it to your advantage. Spread the word.

Dead Phrases

In today's society, there are many phrases which mean nothing whatsoever. Why do they exist? Because not only do they make for great filler, but they are ingrained into our speech patterns as well. Now, I'm not trying to pull a Hitler here, but we must cleanse our speech of these "dead words". Unless you're using them to actually mean something....

Offender numero uno is "random". As in, "OMG! Did you see that boat full of frat boys go by? That was so RANDOM!" Um, no, it wasn't. That was the the aftereffects of spring break passing by you in a calculated attempt to impress you. Rest assured those same frat boys will be hitting on you later. If that was truly random, it would have been a penguin on an ekranoplan being chased by a pair of rabid potted plants. Or something like that.

The example brings me to the next on the list, "OMG". Over millions upon millions of texts, this has slowly devolved from an exclamation of surprise to a habitual answer, meaning "I cannot think of a response containing any content so I will use this reply instead to signal this.", except "OMG" is 80 keystrokes shorter. "lol" has also devolved to this point as well, or is at least reaching it.

For example:

"Hey, a crow just attacked me, three times!"

"OMG"

"Yeah, I know, crazy, right? And it was totally unprovoked too!"

"OMG"

"Well, no damage done, I guess. Almost got my neck though."

"OMG"

"Would you just shut up?"

"OMG"

"like" is up next. Unless you're using it to compare two items, you don't need it. Like, OMG, what? No, like, it's totally, like, necessary!

Ummmm, no. Why do you need it?

Like, like, like, like, I don't, like, know, like, you know?

That about sums that up.

Moving on to "you know". Again, overused, and dead as that....dead guy. Well, either the person you're talking to knows what you're talking about, or they don't. Making a statement that they do will not cause them to understand what you're talking about if they did not previously. Believe me, they'll ask if they don't know what you're spewing, so save yourself two syllables (see above...if you're so desperate to save yourself 80 keystrokes, then save yourself a bit of jaw-work here).

"Literally", on a different tangent, is also six feet under. And misused as well. (Would that be word necrophilia? Wait, no. Never mind.) You did not literally spend six hours on your homework, you spent five on facebook, 58 minutes dozing off, and two scribbling a B.S. onto a piece of lined paper. And no, you did not literally die when that embarrassing secret got out. You're telling me about it, no?

But yes, you did literally put a lampshade on your head and do a handstand on the balcony rail last night while drunk out of your mind, but you don't need the literally there. It's not as if you did that figuratively. (Did you?)

"can you believe" will be the last phrase in this list. For now.

Whether or not the other person believes what you're about to say will not hinge upon your usage of this phrase. Yes, I realize you want to make what you're about to say more outrageous, but instead, why don't you just get on with it so I can get on with my life? Yes, I realize you think it's important, but I really don't give a rat's ass about what Suzy was wearing yesterday and how she totally stole it from Judy who got it at the dollar store.

So, like, to finish this 'random' post (lol) I would remind the audience that there are literally times when these phrases can be used in a meaningful, non-dead manner, you know. OMG.

Or in an undead manner if you're hepped up on Dew and it's 3 AM when you use said phrases.

EDIT: Totally should totally be up there with the others. But I'm just totally crashing right now. So pretend it's there.