Asking The Internet

For those of you who don't wish to read the rough of the second week's of writing, here's a bit of humor for you.
Well, it is clear that the internet is never wrong. Absolutely never. But the internet has varying degrees of correctness, as well as varying degrees of helpfulness. The internet may only be a tool, but that doesn't mean it's the most helpful tool out there.

I had a bit much spare time on my hands today (Okay, 15 minutes) so I did a bit of research on the search engines. The search engine wars have been raging for quite a while, and today is no different. Except I intend to find out for myself which search engine is the superior one. I'll also be using some non-standard searching techniques. The deciding factor for all this? How well they answer a question.

The zombie apocalypse is a long-standing worry for all nerds. So I'll go with that. I will also start with Google. Google is notorious for its search-engineyness, and commands two-thirds of the search market. It seems to be the top competitor for this.

Hey, it's like Google can read my mind!

Oh shit.

Ummm...I'll have to look into that later. Meanwhile, let's get back to searching.

Hey, that's pretty damn helpful. They even have videos! But I'm not so sure about that last one. Eh, anything helps.

I'll give Google a 9.5 out of 10 on this one. Their searches were quick enough for a panicking nerd at the onset of a zombie uprising to find the results they need, giving that nerd ample time to run afterwards, and the searches still retained valid results. I docked a bit for the whole mind-reading thing. That's just intolerable! I thought we had a deal Google! I give you hits, and you don't read my goddamn mind! I'm filing a complaint, you hear me?

Ffffffffffffff-

Okay. Time to move on. *glares at Google*

Let's try Bing. This is Microsoft's upgraded version of MSN search which doesn't suck quite as much. It's like Google's adopted malformed cousin, except that cousin also happens to have the support of a millionaire.

Okay, same mind-reading shtick. I get it. But it's not as creepy as Google. Yes, yes, I know you have the whole insane-killer-peering-at-you-through-a-window thing, but just let it go, just let it go. Okay, look, I'm sorry I said that. The truth is the- Hey where are you going get back here!

Okay, Bing, you weren't helpful at all! Immature little brat of a search engine.
I guess it can't be helped though; Bing is only a year old, after all. But when you take everything into perspective, I'd have to give Bing a 6/10. I mean, at least it told me it wasn't telling me anything quickly. Which gave me time to go to go to Google and get real answers.

Yahoo's time. Yahoo is one of those old search engines that's been around for a while.

Too long, it seems. Well, let's see if any of these search tips will help. Yahoo Answers might be of some help.

Oh, gee, thanks. Just what I needed. Forgot Yahoo Answers was an adolescent. I'm just glad I didn't get any sort of rebellious results, or bass-filled results. That would've attracted every zombie in a fucking mile.

Yahoo, you get a 4/10. I mean, at least you answered that question quickly. But honestly, get that Alzheimer's treated. Can search engines even get Alzheimer's? Sheesh.

Well, let's see if the AI of the internet has anything to offer. Off to Cleverbot!

Well. That was oddly rational. Does Cleverbot have no emotions built in yet? I give it an 8/10. It's answer was fine, although upsetting, but the wait time was just horrific! I don't have five seconds to wait to be told I'm going to die! I want to be told I'm going to die this instant!

So, I'm just going to make a final stop here, at Omegle. If Cleverbot is the computer's response to this, Omegle is the human's response to this. I would use Chatroulette for this, except then there'd be a dick on the screen, and I'd have to make this blog NSFW.

Oh, that was real helpful. I have now lost all hope in humanity. Or maybe the answer lies in bad grammar and not having a shift key. That must be it!

Omegle, you get a 3/10. Not only did I not get any useful information (Shift keys are not good projectiles at all!), but I also had to wait for almost 45 seconds! That's intolerable! My one-minute-ramen doesn't even take that long to cook!

...wait.

So, all in all, Google still wins. Although using Google might just be helping them in their plans to take over the world. (I'll cover that soon.)

MS Word Is Racist

DISCLAIMER: Post may be offensive to the easily offended.

DISCLAIMER #2: The above disclaimer may state the obvious.

Seriously, Microsoft? What do you have against Asians? This blatant racism makes me so angry you could cook a dog on me.

I might as well give you some background. As school nears its end, teachers lump final projects on. Among these is a huge world history paper. While typing it up, Microsoft, as usual, showed its true colors, and hit me with racist comment after racist comment. I'm sure it's just a "beta glitch". Just like the fact that Vista sucked was also just "a bug in the design".

Here we go. Starting from the beginning, complete with my thoughts, this is my journey through the racist lands of Microsoft Word 2010.

Woah. Woah. That is just out of hand. What did they ever do to you? This is disgusting.

Okay, fine, fine. Maybe it was just a bug. Betas have bugs. I can accept that. Here, let me see how I'm doing. This only has to be 750 words...

Yes! Only 696 words to go!

...

Wait, so now Asian words have to be separated from English words? What? Are you afraid they'll abduct your words and put them into sweatshops? I thought segregation ended 40 years ago! Gah. But I have to finish this paper. I'll move on then.

Dang. Misspelled something. Wait. No...all of that is corre- Hey! What the hell Microsoft?

No, you know what? I've had enough of this. Screw this paper. I'm complaining.

Off to the Microsoft website.

Here we go. Complaints and issues.

No. Not cool. There are different types of Asians, you know! We even have barcodes to tell ourselves apart from each other! Whatever. I'll complain about that too.

They changed my name. Wow. No, you know what? I've had enough of this. Microsoft, you will rue the day(s) you were racist! Time to find an alternative...Notepad won't cut it.

...Wow.

Top Secret Project

Defense Secretary Robert Gates recently let slip on a top-secret military project stationed in area 51. In a hearing last Monday when asked about current Pentagon projects, he stated, "The United States Military is investigating several new innovations to change how we fight. Automatic guns, robots, tanks, they're all on the list."

Ace Reporter (name withheld for legal purposes) has been working around the clock to find out more. And he has made quite a find. On the Pentagon database, he has found this snippet

"...a tank.....does not need fuel.....huge guns......explosions......kill....supersoldier....transform....nuke"

For legal reasons, I am unable to state how this information was procured, but I can say that involved copious amounts of Mountain Dew, several keyboards, and a "Hacking for Dummies" book.

This doesn't give too much information, but from what I can tell, it seems to be some sort of tank, that doesn't need fuel. It has huge guns and explosions, can kill supersoldiers, and turn into a nuke. Or something.

Well, that's not much to go off of, but my crack reporter also found this on google maps.

Yup. It's a giant transformer. In Area 51. It's nowhere near completion, obviously, but I can imagine the finished project will look something like this.

When this thing is completed, it will be awesome. We can fly it over to the Middle East, and blow stuff up! And then it can find some long-lost rock from outer space and blow more stuff up! And then we can make that into a movie with a thin plot and lots of CGI- I mean, beat everyone at war. Think of the explosions!

Also, rumor has it that Michael Bay is the project head.