Why Won't You Die?

I felt that this post needed a bit of expansion. I also felt hungry, and a bit sleepy, but you don't care about that. Which is why I didn't include those thin-

Okay, never mind.

I have recently begun to shirk fmylife and mylifeisaverage as much as possible. The reason? Overusage of the phrases. That overusage has driven them down, down into the ground, and back out into the atmosphere, much to my (and possibly your) annoyance. The beginning of the phrases "FML" and "MLIA" were innocent enough, and possibly even funny (if not tragic in the case of FML).

Unfortunately, this is no longer so. When FML once was used to represent life-altering things, such as accidentally running over a politician, losing your job due to pausing to conduct an act of kindness, living in poverty in a third-world country, or "accidentally" running over a politician, it has now been taken in by the text-crazed teenager. FML has been degraded to such menial events, such as being unable to go out on Friday night after staying out crazy-late Thursday night, or getting a C in a class, even though you were only not paying attention 70% of the time, and got 10% of the homework done (I mean, damn, what do the teachers expect us to do? All the homework? Pay attention in class? What has this world come to?)

Now I'm not quite sure if these teenagers know what they're saying.
FML stands for Fuck My Life. No, not My Life Is Slightly Worse or Kinda-Screw But Not Too Hard My Life, or even Why Won't My Parents Let Me Go Out For Friday Nightlife. Just putting that out there.

Another offender, but not a major one, is MLIA. While it began as a humble "My Life Is Average", it has evolved into "I Do Awesome Shit And Pretend It's Normal".

For example, this fine example is one of the earliest MLIA's ever recorded, back in the 1730's. The exact publishing date is unknown.

"Thif fine day hath found me walking downe the streete withe alle the otherf. Verily, MLIA."

To take this into the modern day, let's pull something from the MLIA site.

"Today, all the lights in the classroom turned off unexpectedly. Just as I said "Lumos", the lights came back on. My friend is now convinced I am a wizard. MLIA."

Now, I don't know about you, but I see two possibilities here:
1) The person has tried this every time the lights shut off. In which case, the fact that this happened was inevitable, and in some ways, a coincidence. The average person does not say "Lumos" whenever the lights turn off in an attempt to turn them back on, and I am sure that the average person doesn't believe wizardry is real, either.

2) The person actually is a wizard. The average person is not a wizard. End of discussion.

I'm sure that the creators of MLIA meant to name their site CoincedencesTurnedIntoStuffThatMakesMeLookCoolOnTheInternetAndIllMakeMyselfSeemCoolerBySayingThatItsNormalForMe.com, but found that the site was taken. However, the site is no longer taken, so I would urge the creators to move their site to there. Unless they're actively trying to deceive their readers into thinking that it's normal to be able to cast spells. Then I have a psychiatric ward I'd like to refer them to.

As I end, I will note that I will impale (with a spoon) anyone who brings up the phrase MLIT. I will also have a post on werewolf/vampire wannabes sooner or later. The fact that the protagonist of Twilight is into bestiality and is a necrophiliac (and is looked up to?) will not be missed. But right now I've got a bit of homework to do. FML.

Dead Phrases

In today's society, there are many phrases which mean nothing whatsoever. Why do they exist? Because not only do they make for great filler, but they are ingrained into our speech patterns as well. Now, I'm not trying to pull a Hitler here, but we must cleanse our speech of these "dead words". Unless you're using them to actually mean something....

Offender numero uno is "random". As in, "OMG! Did you see that boat full of frat boys go by? That was so RANDOM!" Um, no, it wasn't. That was the the aftereffects of spring break passing by you in a calculated attempt to impress you. Rest assured those same frat boys will be hitting on you later. If that was truly random, it would have been a penguin on an ekranoplan being chased by a pair of rabid potted plants. Or something like that.

The example brings me to the next on the list, "OMG". Over millions upon millions of texts, this has slowly devolved from an exclamation of surprise to a habitual answer, meaning "I cannot think of a response containing any content so I will use this reply instead to signal this.", except "OMG" is 80 keystrokes shorter. "lol" has also devolved to this point as well, or is at least reaching it.

For example:

"Hey, a crow just attacked me, three times!"

"OMG"

"Yeah, I know, crazy, right? And it was totally unprovoked too!"

"OMG"

"Well, no damage done, I guess. Almost got my neck though."

"OMG"

"Would you just shut up?"

"OMG"

"like" is up next. Unless you're using it to compare two items, you don't need it. Like, OMG, what? No, like, it's totally, like, necessary!

Ummmm, no. Why do you need it?

Like, like, like, like, I don't, like, know, like, you know?

That about sums that up.

Moving on to "you know". Again, overused, and dead as that....dead guy. Well, either the person you're talking to knows what you're talking about, or they don't. Making a statement that they do will not cause them to understand what you're talking about if they did not previously. Believe me, they'll ask if they don't know what you're spewing, so save yourself two syllables (see above...if you're so desperate to save yourself 80 keystrokes, then save yourself a bit of jaw-work here).

"Literally", on a different tangent, is also six feet under. And misused as well. (Would that be word necrophilia? Wait, no. Never mind.) You did not literally spend six hours on your homework, you spent five on facebook, 58 minutes dozing off, and two scribbling a B.S. onto a piece of lined paper. And no, you did not literally die when that embarrassing secret got out. You're telling me about it, no?

But yes, you did literally put a lampshade on your head and do a handstand on the balcony rail last night while drunk out of your mind, but you don't need the literally there. It's not as if you did that figuratively. (Did you?)

"can you believe" will be the last phrase in this list. For now.

Whether or not the other person believes what you're about to say will not hinge upon your usage of this phrase. Yes, I realize you want to make what you're about to say more outrageous, but instead, why don't you just get on with it so I can get on with my life? Yes, I realize you think it's important, but I really don't give a rat's ass about what Suzy was wearing yesterday and how she totally stole it from Judy who got it at the dollar store.

So, like, to finish this 'random' post (lol) I would remind the audience that there are literally times when these phrases can be used in a meaningful, non-dead manner, you know. OMG.

Or in an undead manner if you're hepped up on Dew and it's 3 AM when you use said phrases.

EDIT: Totally should totally be up there with the others. But I'm just totally crashing right now. So pretend it's there.