Friday, May 14, 2010

Dead Phrases

In today's society, there are many phrases which mean nothing whatsoever. Why do they exist? Because not only do they make for great filler, but they are ingrained into our speech patterns as well. Now, I'm not trying to pull a Hitler here, but we must cleanse our speech of these "dead words". Unless you're using them to actually mean something....

Offender numero uno is "random". As in, "OMG! Did you see that boat full of frat boys go by? That was so RANDOM!" Um, no, it wasn't. That was the the aftereffects of spring break passing by you in a calculated attempt to impress you. Rest assured those same frat boys will be hitting on you later. If that was truly random, it would have been a penguin on an ekranoplan being chased by a pair of rabid potted plants. Or something like that.

The example brings me to the next on the list, "OMG". Over millions upon millions of texts, this has slowly devolved from an exclamation of surprise to a habitual answer, meaning "I cannot think of a response containing any content so I will use this reply instead to signal this.", except "OMG" is 80 keystrokes shorter. "lol" has also devolved to this point as well, or is at least reaching it.

For example:
"Hey, a crow just attacked me, three times!"
"Yeah, I know, crazy, right? And it was totally unprovoked too!"
"Well, no damage done, I guess. Almost got my neck though."
"Would you just shut up?"

"like" is up next. Unless you're using it to compare two items, you don't need it. Like, OMG, what? No, like, it's totally, like, necessary!
Ummmm, no. Why do you need it?
Like, like, like, like, I don't, like, know, like, you know?
That about sums that up.

Moving on to "you know". Again, overused, and dead as that....dead guy. Well, either the person you're talking to knows what you're talking about, or they don't. Making a statement that they do will not cause them to understand what you're talking about if they did not previously. Believe me, they'll ask if they don't know what you're spewing, so save yourself two syllables (see above...if you're so desperate to save yourself 80 keystrokes, then save yourself a bit of jaw-work here).

"Literally", on a different tangent, is also six feet under. And misused as well. (Would that be word necrophilia? Wait, no. Never mind.) You did not literally spend six hours on your homework, you spent five on facebook, 58 minutes dozing off, and two scribbling a B.S. onto a piece of lined paper. And no, you did not literally die when that embarrassing secret got out. You're telling me about it, no?
But yes, you did literally put a lampshade on your head and do a handstand on the balcony rail last night while drunk out of your mind, but you don't need the literally there. It's not as if you did that figuratively. (Did you?)

"can you believe" will be the last phrase in this list. For now.
Whether or not the other person believes what you're about to say will not hinge upon your usage of this phrase. Yes, I realize you want to make what you're about to say more outrageous, but instead, why don't you just get on with it so I can get on with my life? Yes, I realize you think it's important, but I really don't give a rat's ass about what Suzy was wearing yesterday and how she totally stole it from Judy who got it at the dollar store.

So, like, to finish this 'random' post (lol) I would remind the audience that there are literally times when these phrases can be used in a meaningful, non-dead manner, you know. OMG.

Or in an undead manner if you're hepped up on Dew and it's 3 AM when you use said phrases.

EDIT: Totally should totally be up there with the others. But I'm just totally crashing right now. So pretend it's there.

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