Monday, August 9, 2010

Last Post For A While (And It's Not Even Funny!)

I try to stay away from boring all of you with details of my personal life here, but it's probably necessary now. Going off on vacation for several weeks until early September. No blog posts until then.

On an unrelated note, I've added an experimental chat bubble on the side of the blog. Don't have to have Gmail to use it - give it a try =)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Heavenly Corporation

Religion plays an undeniably huge part in today's world. And just like corporations, the gods of every religion are vying for more supporters. Here are some of the records from past advisory sessions for various religions.

Let's start off with Christianity, shall we?

Statistics Saint: Heaven acceptance numbers are down 6.66% sir!

God: Oh for my sake, Lucifer's acting up again. Send someone to him to see what he needs now. He already gets all the hot babes and rich bastards. What more does he need?

Public Relations Saint: Well, sir, we also think that might be part of the problem. If you're good, and don't have sex, and don't sin in general, you go to Heaven.

God: That's not a problem! Heaven is great!

Public Relations Saint: *shakes head* No, sir, you see, in Heaven, there is even more of not having sex, and even more rigidness. I mean, for your sake, there's only shriveled nuns here! Like you said, all the hot babes are in Hell!

God: Okay, so we're a little too uptight about that. But I mean, why else wouldn't someone want to go to Heaven? I mean, it's Heaven!

Vacation Analyst Saint: Well, there's also the weather. In Hell, you've got 24/7 amazing sun and vacation weather. It's like a vacation every day, and you can get a tan just by stepping outside! Whereas Heaven is cloudy and grey. Everyone here is pasty white, and the only people that don't mind are the gingers!

God: *grumbles* Oh, alright. So the place could use some sun every once in a while. I'll see if I can't work out a deal with Ra or Helios. I'm just lucky there are two of them. They better not have a trust. What other news is there?

Public Relations Saint: Well, our studies on afterlife benefit preferences are in, and....

God: And?

Public Relations Saint: We figured out why our conversion numbers our down-

Statistics Saint: By exactly 14.3% sir, as you can see on this chart here with the pretty purple line going-

Public Relations Saint: Yes, yes, we get it. But we now think we know why these numbers are down.

Interrupting Shtick Saint: That's what she said!

God: Wait, what? That doesn't make sense. Why are you even here?

Interrupting Shtick Saint: Part of the employee morale boosting program sir. Apparently the grey clouds and stuff are making people depressed.

God: Okay, we've been over that already. Continue with the study findings please.

Public Relations Saint: When you look at other religions, we don't really offer much. Our happy afterlife benefits give eternal life and, well, that's about it. You remain at the age where you died, and for most people, that's as a nearly incapacitated 90-something.

God: So? They live forever!

Norse Ambassador Saint: Well, do you remember Valhalla?

God: Oh, yeah. That was a failed religion. It's dead now, isn't it?

Norse Ambassador Saint: In their time, they attracted lots of followers with the living at the prime of your life thing, and the rebirths at the end of the day. And the drinking and chicks that would follow you around.

God: Your point? The religion is dead!

Interrupting Shtick Saint: So is disco!

Public Relations Saint: What I think he's getting at is that if we instated those policies, we could pull all those nerdy D&D playing-cultists away from their satanic game and save their souls. What nerd wouldn't want to be followed by a bunch of girls all day long?

God: ...Meeting adjourned. We've got some policies to instate.

Afterward: Wow, writing this without using "For Christ's sake!", "Jesus!", "Geez!", or other exclamations in that vein (as well as swearing, since God doesn't swear) was hellish, pardon the pun. I'll probably pick this up at some point in the future. Either that, or forget it completely as I start up a slew of new series to work on. This could've been written much better I feel, as a monologue rather than a dialog. Like God looking at how he messed up Heaven. Ah well.

For all the religimaniacs out there (Yes! Another new word!) no, I'm not dissing Christianity. Learn to laugh at yourself once in a while. It's a good habit.

Monday, August 2, 2010

How To Be Insecure

Well, I'm back with another slew of stuff to hate on. Whoo!

Today, I may or may not present to you a slew of verbal tics that kinda sorta annoy me to no end. They also maybe possibly make you seem insecure, right?

"...Right?" (Usually followed by a open palms facing skyward, and a neck craned forward) is the first one of these.


"So, I'm out on the street, right? And this guy walks up to me, right? And he's all,'Yo sup?', right? And I punch him in the face, right?"

Seriously, why are you doing that? No, it's not really that hip to make us reaffirm your story. Look, you were there, not us. Your story. Not mine. Whenever I hear this, I get this urge to correct them, like, Oh hell no, you were on the subway, not in the street, and you sure as hell didn't punch him in the face.

"Well, I went to the doctor, right? And he tells me I'm insecure, right?"

Err, scratch that. Right.

If you hear that phrase uttered, the next sentence is also likely to end with, "you hear me?"


"Dude, so I'm getting this awesome pair of sandals, and then I buy them, you hear me?"

No. I'm just watching that punching bag at the back of your mouth vibrate. And I installed my NoiseBlok 2.5 yesterday, so no, I don't hear you. These guys are more insecure than the "...right?"'s.

A slightly gayer version of this is "you feel me?". Unless one of you is a chick. (And the other isn't!) Yes, I see your moobs, no I don't want to touch them.

"Maybe possibly" is another prime way to show how insecure you are. Or passive.


"Oh, I was maybe possibly thinking we could maybe possibly go to the store and maybe possibly get a drink. Maybe?"

First of all, English was not made to be mangled like that. (To those who think Imma is a word, I'm coming after you next!) Second...well, there's not much to be said about this. Do you want us to do this or not?

And seriously, are you unsure of your own thoughts? (Oh, I might have been thinking about that, but really, I'm not that sure. Can you back me up?)

"Kinda sorta" is an even more passive way of showing your insecurity, if that is at all possible. (I'm kinda sorta annoyed right now because you kinda sorta spilled the milk.)

Next up is "may or may not". I understand you have a problem with stating anything directly, but do you really need to state the obvious? And so blatantly, at that? You could at least have the decency to mask it so it seems like you're saying something profound! (Woah! All comedic duos have, get this, two people in them!)

"Well, I may or may not have enough money to pay for this..."

Damn, this guy is a fucking philosopher! How did he figure this out? Damn!

Please, I beg of every reader, omit these tics from your speech! Every time you utter one of these, God (or Al Qaeda, if you're not Christian/Jewish/Muslim/etc) boosts the ego of a narcissist.

Next post, hopefully tomorrow, will be less cynical. Promise.