Monday, August 2, 2010

How To Be Insecure

Well, I'm back with another slew of stuff to hate on. Whoo!

Today, I may or may not present to you a slew of verbal tics that kinda sorta annoy me to no end. They also maybe possibly make you seem insecure, right?

"...Right?" (Usually followed by a open palms facing skyward, and a neck craned forward) is the first one of these.


"So, I'm out on the street, right? And this guy walks up to me, right? And he's all,'Yo sup?', right? And I punch him in the face, right?"

Seriously, why are you doing that? No, it's not really that hip to make us reaffirm your story. Look, you were there, not us. Your story. Not mine. Whenever I hear this, I get this urge to correct them, like, Oh hell no, you were on the subway, not in the street, and you sure as hell didn't punch him in the face.

"Well, I went to the doctor, right? And he tells me I'm insecure, right?"

Err, scratch that. Right.

If you hear that phrase uttered, the next sentence is also likely to end with, "you hear me?"


"Dude, so I'm getting this awesome pair of sandals, and then I buy them, you hear me?"

No. I'm just watching that punching bag at the back of your mouth vibrate. And I installed my NoiseBlok 2.5 yesterday, so no, I don't hear you. These guys are more insecure than the "...right?"'s.

A slightly gayer version of this is "you feel me?". Unless one of you is a chick. (And the other isn't!) Yes, I see your moobs, no I don't want to touch them.

"Maybe possibly" is another prime way to show how insecure you are. Or passive.


"Oh, I was maybe possibly thinking we could maybe possibly go to the store and maybe possibly get a drink. Maybe?"

First of all, English was not made to be mangled like that. (To those who think Imma is a word, I'm coming after you next!) Second...well, there's not much to be said about this. Do you want us to do this or not?

And seriously, are you unsure of your own thoughts? (Oh, I might have been thinking about that, but really, I'm not that sure. Can you back me up?)

"Kinda sorta" is an even more passive way of showing your insecurity, if that is at all possible. (I'm kinda sorta annoyed right now because you kinda sorta spilled the milk.)

Next up is "may or may not". I understand you have a problem with stating anything directly, but do you really need to state the obvious? And so blatantly, at that? You could at least have the decency to mask it so it seems like you're saying something profound! (Woah! All comedic duos have, get this, two people in them!)

"Well, I may or may not have enough money to pay for this..."

Damn, this guy is a fucking philosopher! How did he figure this out? Damn!

Please, I beg of every reader, omit these tics from your speech! Every time you utter one of these, God (or Al Qaeda, if you're not Christian/Jewish/Muslim/etc) boosts the ego of a narcissist.

Next post, hopefully tomorrow, will be less cynical. Promise.

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