Monday, May 31, 2010

Achievement Unlocked!

Well, this is the final day...
I've survived, sanity more or less (Probably leaning towards the latter) intact. Apart from a disturbance on the first day, I haven't missed a single day. Whoo!

At this point, I think that I've found the direction the blog is headed, as well as how often I should post. The blog will definitely be aimed at making you laugh, or at least snicker in your thoughts. The rants won't disappear either. However, I doubt I'm going to do daily posts; maybe every two or three days I'll post something new. At least, until the end of the school year. Once I've gotten rid of all the work that teachers are loading on around this time, I'll set another challenge for myself, hopefully to your delight.

Also, in about a week and a half, I've got over 200 hits. O.o Lots more than I expected. Many thanks to all of you for that too.

Keep on reading, and I'll keep on posting!

To Write An Essay

There are many components needed to write an essay in high school. I'm sure many of you have experienced writing an essay, but you can't call yourself a true high schooler until you can write an essay like a pro.

How? Well, first you'll need your materials.
-Essay to write, preferably due the next day, or that day
-Snacks
-Computer with internet access
-Spot next to window

So, how do we go about this? First off, get your essay started. Look over the topic. Got it? Now open word up on the computer.

Damn, it's taking a long time to load, isn't it? Here, in the mean time, open up chrome. Hmm, better check your email. And facebook. And twitter. And your other email. Oh look, facebook's loaded. Check Farmville (Oh, you're a good little cow, aren't you, oh yes you are! I'm going to harvest you tomorrow, aren't you happy?), and Mafia Wars, and, oh look, 300 new status updates. Comment on each individually.

Well, now that word is booted up, type your heading in. Oh, crap, you left double space on. And you don't remember how to turn it back to single spacing. Better check the internet for ans- hey! I've got a new email! Oh, just spam. Back to...whatever you were doing.

Oh, right, the essay. Hm. Time to make a thesis. How about an outline instead? Yeah, that's a good idea. And you can make it on paint, too. There's a circle for the middle, we'll save that for a B.S. thesis for later. Now, make lines stretching from it. If you're a true nerd, increase the hex code of the color for the lines by FF each time. Now, make bubbles attached to each of those. Now it's starting to look like an engorged octopus. Hey! It's a mutant zombie octopus! Kill it with fire! Call in the army (Draw stick people with guns, and some tanks)! Fire! We have vanquished the mighty zombie octopus! Yes!

Crap! Soldiers are going AWOL! We must kill them for....some cause you'll fight for! Onwards! Blam, blam! Ah, there we go. Now your screen is filled with fake blood, and badly drawn, too.
Great outline you've got there.

Ah, screw the outline. Let's just try to do the essay from the start. Okay...type a few lines...hey! Another email! Better check it in case its something important, like the death of your professor! Nope, just spam again. Come on...

Back to....HOLY CRAP A NEW PENDULUM ALBUM I MUST GET IT AND LISTEN TO IT FOR FOUR HOURS!

Once you have been drum & bassed up (or some other sort of music, it doesn't matter), go back to your essay. But damn, it's hard to concentrate on an empty stomach. After falling into a music-induced trance for four hours, you're pretty hungry. How about some Doritos. Yeah, that should do it.

You know what, those Doritos are probably pretty lonely in your belly. They'd go great with some dip. Yeah, dip, yum. And while you're at it, might as well make some sandwiches. After all, chips and dip are only an appetizer. You might be up here for a while, so you might as well make your dinner too.

Okay, okay, you've eaten enough to last yourself for a few days. Now, ummm, now what? Right, the essay. Yeah, the essay. Wow. You've gotten a heading, and a title. Good job. Look at the time. You have one hour before it's due. Oh crap. Quick quick quick stress stress stress! Oh crap oh crap oh crap! Good thing you've got that window right next to you to relax yourself. Ah, isn't that peaceful? You can watch that bird chirp and fly by, and watch that boat cruise across the lake, and holy crap it's been fifty minutes. Quickly! Find the relevant wikipedia article, copy-paste it, and print! There you go, essay done, with eight minutes to spare. Phew. Now you can relax, and check your email, facebook, and twitter and oh crap there's another assignment due isn't there.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Omgwtflol (aka Annoying Internet Denizens Pt.5)

You've seen them before. Even on the most literary-based forums with the snootiest posters, they will be there. The one who doesn't contribute jack, and yet somehow has the most posts of anyone on the site. They are not hard to find, because they are in every forum, with a "lol" or "wow". And nothing else. Oh, good for you. You've got 20k posts? You've also typed in 20k words on the site. Isn't that interesting?

Sample:

OP: Hey think about this rather interesting thing. [3 paragraphs of text which are semi-enlightening, probably took an hour or so to type]

theomgwtflol: lolwut? first!

The omgwtflol's can be characterized not only by their one to two word posts, but also the overuse of strange, obscure acronyms, half of which were probably made up on the spot, inability to find their shift key (As opposed to the caps lock rager), completely meaningless posts, and frequent immaturity. At times (in other words, all the time) omgwtflols will fill their posts with acronyms or contractions (and not grammatically correct ones, either) only. Then exclamation mark spam thereafter.

Sample: omg rly???!?!?!??! lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good job. For every keystroke you would have saved yourself by using acronyms and false contractions, you lost in excess punctuation. And that sentence made me sound like a real douche. But still, if your goal was to save yourself time, I don't think you did. If you really wanted to save yourself time (and us, as well) just don't post. Truly lazy people don't go out of the way to say they're lazy; that's too much unneeded effort. So follow the same line of thought, and we'll appreciate you for it. Or rather, hate you less.

Apart from "first"-ing threads, and "omgwtf"-ing everywhere else, what do omgwtflol's do?

--Bump every thread they can.
Do you not understand that there is such a thing as a dead thread? Or that it may have purposefully have been sent to the next page? Oh, yes, of course we should resurrect this thread except for the fact that nobody has posted in it for a year and the original poster was banned for giving links to trojans! If you're that desperate to increase your postcount, make your own thread, lock it to everyone but yourself, make a bot that posts in it, and run the bot. Voila. You get your posts, we stop hating you. Problem(s) solved.

--Make threads as pointless as their posts. Then "first" it, appending a "lol" for irony at the end of their post.
Okay, a link that says "watch this rly fnny vid i found!!!!!!!" linked to "the 100 best lolcatz EVAR!!!!!" is just what I needed, of course. My life would not have been complete without it. And yes, of course I need to see "top 10 sk8bord trikks" or I will die a sad man. Chances are that by the time the omgwtflol dies, they will have linked every youtube video to the forum they lurk in.

--PM Spam
This is potentially the most annoying thing omgwtflol's do. You wake up in the morning, check your inbox, and find over 1k messages. All from the same person. All titled the same, and all containing, "hi!!!!!!"
Yeah, I really laughed at that. Hurr hurr. That was pretty damn genius of you, too.

--Randomly Post "i lost the game lol"
Everywhere. In topics which don't even vaguely mention any sort of activity.
Oh, and yes, you did just lose the game. Live with it.

So, what can we do against this particular case of AIDS?
There is only one option. Nukes.

Oh, if only. But really, here's what you can do:
The Dangerous Solution: "First" every thread before they do (Yes, with a capital 'f'), and spam their inbox until it's full. With any luck they will become bored to the point that they will find a different forum (hopefully one you aren't in) to harass. Beware that you do not become an omgwtflol in the process. To prevent against this, I suggest typing a three-page essay using proper capitalization and no contractions whatsoever, slapping yourself with a cattle prod each time you don't do so for each day you are enacting this solution.

The Douche Solution: Spend ten hours typing a multiple-page PM filled to the brim with hatred attacking them, their family, and their little dog too, send it, then make it public. If it works, they'll never be seen again. If it backfires, you'll be banned. Take one for the team, come on!

The Blogger's Solution: Err, blog about it. That's about it.

The Passive-Aggressive Solution: Figure out the poster's IP, and use that to find their country, city, and home address. Then, write several nice notes asking them to "kindly cease posting inane gibberish on [insert forum name here]", mailing them at one week intervals. Follow this up with notes that sound slightly miffed, growing in anger with each week, (But always ending in, "Thanks, [your name here]") until you finally mail them a paint bomb, and laugh hysterically for an hour after mailing it out. Alternatively, spam their computer with viruses. If you know them in real life, give them the evil eye every day.

To cap off this post, I would like to say that it is only the severest offenders who qualify as omgwtflols. If you happened to lose your shift key after putting your computer in the wash, or happen to agree exactly with the person who posted above you, and can post nothing but "I agree", that's fine. But if your keyboard only has the 'f', 'i', 'r', 's', and 't' keys on it...

Yeah, you're dead.

I would also be severely disappointed if someone doesn't take this rather perfect chance for irony...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Protesting Laws

Protests are all good and fine with me. Usually.
Politicians, while not the most esteemed people in my eyes, are the same.
But at times, I get to the point where I just want to nuke the offending person, usually when they're in the midst of shooting something down.

Recent examples include Obamacare, Cap And Trade, and the Arizona racial profiling law (I'm going to receive a fair amount of flak from a certain ginger for mentioning this...), to pull from both parts of the Left-Right spectrum. Well, that is, examples which annoyed me.

Politicians attacking bills which do something they don't like is fine. Protesting obviously unfair laws is also fine. For example, repealing the DADT bill. This prevents completely idiotic things from passing, or if they are somehow passed, from remaining in effect.

What gets me is when bills are presented to solve a huge problem that exists (as opposed to say, providing for something that isn't a problem at all), and they are attacked, and (yes, run-on sentence, I know....I hear the pained screams of a hundred grammar nazis...) the attackers do not have a better alternative, or an alternative at all, for that matter! It is better to solve a problem badly than to leave it unsolved. Better to get a 58 on a test than skip it and get a 0, no?

When you attack something just to deny another political capital, or because it wouldn't sit well with your voters, you better have a damn better solution than the one being presented. Filibustering something which is an attempt to solve a problem will only increase the pain to those suffering, and is especially pointless if the bill will inevitably be passed. Being the House of No just puts you out there as total pricks fishing for votes. (Rant to be posted later on career politicians...) I'm pretty damn sure that your voters wouldn't stay if they would unplug their ears and uncover their eyes to see that you're hurting them by delaying a solution you have no alternative to. So if you're going to protest something that solves a problem (or attempts to) such as the economy, the environment, or illegal immigration, come prepared with your own plan to counter with. Don't make some page read a bill whose pages number in the thousands just to delay it. Pull your crap together and make your own solution.

Just to delve further into this, when you run out of arguments against a bill you don't have a counter to (or even one you do), stop arguing, and formulate more arguments. Or accept that the bill is a solution, and pass it. Don't worry, you won't lose votes once your voters realize that the bill will help them. What you don't do is attack the people presenting the bill. No, Obama is not a socialist Nazi. And even if he was, that does not mean everything he does is aimed towards killing the Jewish communities, or promoting socialism. Obama wrote out a March Madness bracket....does that mean we should all stop watching college basketball during March? No. Does it make said basketball Nazi, or socialist? Hell no.

On the same page, a few days ago I saw a protest at the UW against Arizona's newly passed law. What did the signs they were holding mostly consist of? Insults. Personal attacks. Wow. Real mature guys. (And this is coming from a teen who can't suppress a smirk when certain words are mentioned...) Among the signs? "Boycott Nazi-zona!" and a cactus shaped like a middle finger, are the only two I clearly remember. And their chants were none too nice, either. (Except for "Si se pueda", which really, doesn't fit, when you think about it. Also, forgive me if I mangled the Spanish.)

So, just in case this was a tl;dr for some of you, my message is...
If you're going to attack a solution to a freaking huge problem, you better have an alternative, damn it. And if you run out of arguments, personal attacks are a sign of your inability to compose an argument valid by even the lowest standards. So please, shut your mouth until you bring back something of substance.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Glass, Revisited

And the half-filled glass of water is back again, to challenge the minds of various occupations (some of which aren't quite jobs)!
The politician has been left off, lest I cause redundancy with my last post.

Lawyer: Objection! That isn't water! (And that will be a $75 fee for those words...)

Judge: The verdict is ten hours in the digestive system of the plaintiff.

Preachy Guy: Judge not lest ye be judged.

Psychoanalyst: Well, really, it doesn't matter what it looks like. What does the water think it is?

Guy-Who-Lives-In-His-Mother's-Basement: Well, if it works on its hydration skill for another 24 hours, it'll be empty. Can I get back to killing boars now?

Environmental Alarmist: It's less than a half glass as the water, if you would examine it with this overly complex machine, it contains 1200 ppm of atmospheric pollutants. This is a 100% increase from the last glass of water! If we don't shut all the factories down at once, soon our water will be completely made of pollutants!

Economist: The market says the glass is half-empty. Quickly, short all your H2O stocks to me!

Scientist: Well, this glass could easily be an outlier. I will need to be supplied with two more like glasses at minimum to give any valid results.

Philosopher: Is the water?

General: Nuke it, problem solved.

Cheap-Ass Bartender: It a'int free, that's for sure. Pay up.

Druggie: Woah....when was the last time you noticed, like, how watery water is?

Guy-Not-Too-Grounded-In-Reality: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Serial Killer: *kills you*

Guy-Who-Hangs-Out-At-The-Water-Cooler-All-Day: It doesn't matter, fill it up so you can dawdle here longer.

Gamer: Is that a healing potion?

Blogger: I could make this into a blog post. Be right back.


Real Life Representations

DISCLAIMER: Short post today. Because I'm lazy as hell.

If life were an MMO....

Well, suffice it to say it would be weird. But in reality, some of the things you see going on in MMO's of all types exist. Here's how some of them can be seen.

Grinding: The people who cannot get enough exercise or knowledge. Trips to the gym and library, for hours or days at a time, not stopping to eat or sleep (or attend to other bodily functions) to increase that stat up to the next level are the norm for these people.

Min-Maxers: These people will do one thing, and one thing only. See very specialized professions, like nuke launcher. (They get to press the big red button!) Their entire life is dedicated to this, and they are incompetent at everything else. Who else does this remind us of? Career politicians, perhaps?

Scammers: Ponzi scheme. Nigerian princes. 'Nuff said.

Bots: These are those souls who exist purely because caffeine does too. Robots are an acceptable definition for this as well.

Message Spammers: The drunkard who wanders by your house each night singing off-key at the top of his lungs.

That One Guy Who Begs For Gold: Ummm.....hmmm. This one is tough. Maybe...umm, nope. How about th- no...Dang. Can't think of one. (In other words, those people who stand on the street with cardboard signs in hand. Have you perhaps considered trying to get a job?)

Multi-Accounters: Buddhists.

Kill-Stealers: That prick who always takes credit for your report.

Gold-Sellers: Those guys who try to sell you a $1 coin for $25.

Quest-Givers: Your boss. They don't do any of the stuff themselves, just get others to do it. And you can't kill them.

Rage Quitters: Suicide.

Hackers: Soulless beasts with nothing better to do than go through obscure laws an exploit them for their benefit and to the detriment of others, consuming their time and money, and generally hated by all. In other words, lawyers.

Newbs: The innocent guy who doesn't know what 4chan is.

Noobs: The annoying guy who pretends to be a newb.

Clan Advertisers: That one annoying guy who plugs his blog everywhere he can.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Gringo Mask

A company in Maine has released a fantastic new product!
It is called a gringo mask!

Now, what is this? It's a cutout of a blond-haired, blue-eyed person. Male or female. (For those of you who are confused about their gender, now would be a good time to choose.) You cut the mask out, and put it on your face to mask your true race. Useful for bypassing all sorts of racial profiling.

So, what could this be about? Well, it's a blatant effort to aid illegal immigrants in Arizona in avoiding being deported! And it seems like it will be quite effective. I mean, once you put on a mask, you're a totally different person! Even if your mask happens to look exactly like the person's next to you, makes your face look like it's hovering two inches in front of where it should be, and is two-dimensional! Disregard the fact that the facial expression never changes, either! It's going to make killer profits for this company!

This will definitely solve the problem of illegal immigration in Arizona. If we can get all the illegal immigrants to wear these gringo masks, we can totally forget about the racial profiling law; it'll be torn down as soon as it proves to be completely ineffective when every person in Arizona is the same race! What about it, huh?

The only thing which gets me is the fact that this company is up in Maine. I mean, why not in Arizona? What does Maine know about illegal immigrants? I'm sure they've got Canadians pouring in left and right, eager to escape their free healthcare. I say, have them hand the service over to an Arizonan company who will be better able to relate to their customers, like Arizona Iced Tea. Don't tell me that illegal immigrants don't drink iced tea!

Unfortunately, the site selling these masks has been pulled. Wait, what? That makes no sense?
Oh, so you were giving the masks away for free? No wonder! How the hell can you expect to make a profit if you're giving away your only product for free? You've just deprived yourself of this wonderful business opportunity, and the chance to laugh in Arizona's face as they can't tell illegal immigrant from legal citizen! I mean, can you see any difference between these two people?


Nope, I couldn't either! I mean, the fact that I couldn't tell the difference between a soulless mask meant to hide an illegal immigrant, and the president (who is about as legal as you get, and no, I don't mean in that way), says something about that mask. And don't you start giving me that crap about Obama not having a birth certificate, and not being a legal resident of the United States.
Here's a flowchart I found that explains it quite simply.

There we go.
Fini.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Boycotting Arizona

So, now Seattle is boycotting Arizona. It's actually kinda old news, but this isn't FOX news (And boy am I glad it isn't.)

But, anyways, for the average Seattleite, what does that really mean?
As I doubt most of us are going to Arizona any time soon, not much, really.

Wait. I take that back.
No Arizona Iced Tea.

...

Crap.

Well, okay, it doesn't really hit me, per se. But in an interview, a Seattleite (who will remain anonymous) stated, "I'll, like, die [without Arizona Iced Tea]!"

That statement may or may not have been pulled from a cellphone conversation of a random person at the bus stop.
But, if you don't believe that, look at what this poll says. I've made it a pretty chart and everything to make it look believable!



See! As time increases, thirst increases too! Disregard the utter lack of content, and look at the rising red line! Red is bad! See, if we don't have Arizona Iced Tea, that's bad! In fact, in a poll, 100% of responses showed that Arizona Iced Tea was essential to life. Never mind how many people were polled.
Oh, don't tell me you want to look at the graph again! Here, look at the shiny stars on the graph. Shiiiiiinnnnyyyy.....now walk away from the graph and stop pointing out the fallacies within it which do not exist.

So, how else is Seattle impacted?
Well, we lose the use of some of our red-light cameras.
This is also bad, almost as bad as losing the iced tea. How will we ever catch people who run red lights? And furthermore, how will the city sustain itself?

A pretty freaking huge part of Seattle's budget comes from those lights. Almost $124 a month!
That's like....
Well, almost one one-hundredth of a percent of our annual budget! We'll never survive!
We must call this boycott off before we all die of dehydration and lack of funding!

--------------

Afterword: The voices in my head have just informed me that Arizona Iced Tea is actually made in New York. Wow. Way to rip off the name of a state, New York. We should boycott you too.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Public Service Announcement #1

This is an announcement for the health of all my readers.

Please refrain from eating food. Food is something which we would all be better off with. Plus, it's inhumane to eat food.

First, food causes death. Not just any sort of death.
The permanent kind. Not in books, where you can be resurrected. (I'm sorry Harry Potter fans, but Dumbledore won't be there to save you in the end.) All people in the past who have eaten food have died.
Think about that. It has a 100% mortality rate. Nobody has escaped.
It might not be too late for you to escape its clutches, if you stop eating food now!

For all you religious-types, eating food is a SIN.
It is a sin worse than pride, or envy, or greed, or even pride-envy-greed, whatever that is.
Eating food is consuming the fruit of the Earth. Food is like Mother Earth's babies. (Yes, she does get around)
You are a despicable baby-killer. Left and right I hear cries about how Obamacare kills babies with its abortion clauses. And yet, these hypocritical Republicans go home, and eat babies! Alive!

And then, food is foodicide. It's not just meat, you realize. All those vegetarian organizations, they aren't about saving animals! They're about killing innocent, helpless, vegetables! They corrupt our youth from day one, teaching them that to "vegetate" is to sit there and do nothing, while to "animalate" is to be very active. Now, which seems like something easier to murder, and consume? Something which just sits there, and lets you eat it, or something which runs away when you try to kill it?

Exactly. If the vegetarian societies were truly for what they say they are for, they would teach us the opposite. Would you eat a man in a coma? (Note: The guy is a vegetable!)

Back on track then. All food comes from a sentient being, whether you know it or not.


Tofu ranchers are a huge problem, and the vegetarians are only helping them tear mother tofus away from their babies. More on that in a later post on why everyone should eat meat and wear fur coats and leather jackets.

But, the point is, vegetables are murder too. There's just no alliteration there. All food is murder. Do you want murder weighing on your conscience? I thought not. There's another reason.

Now, at this point, you're probably crying out,
"But I can't live without food!"
Oh, yes you can. There are many alternatives to food. Filter feeding, for instance.
Or, you could eat genetically engineered "food". It may look like tasteless goop, but food is food. Or, in this case, not-food is food. Sorta. If it helps, put a cow face on it and pretend it's a steak.

Remember! Food is foodicide!


---
Afternote: Wow, that became a real spiel about, well, not what I meant it to be about.
If it makes you laugh, though, it has done its job.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Top Secret Project

Defense Secretary Robert Gates recently let slip on a top-secret military project stationed in area 51. In a hearing last Monday when asked about current Pentagon projects, he stated, "The United States Military is investigating several new innovations to change how we fight. Automatic guns, robots, tanks, they're all on the list."

Ace Reporter (name withheld for legal purposes) has been working around the clock to find out more. And he has made quite a find. On the Pentagon database, he has found this snippet

"...a tank.....does not need fuel.....huge guns......explosions......kill....supersoldier....transform....nuke"

For legal reasons, I am unable to state how this information was procured, but I can say that involved copious amounts of Mountain Dew, several keyboards, and a "Hacking for Dummies" book.

This doesn't give too much information, but from what I can tell, it seems to be some sort of tank, that doesn't need fuel. It has huge guns and explosions, can kill supersoldiers, and turn into a nuke. Or something.

Well, that's not much to go off of, but my crack reporter also found this on google maps.



Yup. It's a giant transformer. In Area 51. It's nowhere near completion, obviously, but I can imagine the finished project will look something like this.



When this thing is completed, it will be awesome. We can fly it over to the Middle East, and blow stuff up! And then it can find some long-lost rock from outer space and blow more stuff up! And then we can make that into a movie with a thin plot and lots of CGI- I mean, beat everyone at war. Think of the explosions!

Also, rumor has it that Michael Bay is the project head.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Why I Will Never Go To France

France is somewhere I never plan on going to. Why? There are too many reasons to count (And I can count higher than 5!), but I'll try to cover most of them.

First, I wouldn't be able to suffer their snootiness. I mean, how can you interact with someone who can only talk to you by looking down their too-angled nose, past their curved mustache, and raised lower lip? You can't! I mean, these people are on such high horses, they have to speak a whole different fucking language. Oh? So you're too good for English, now, are you? (And don't get me started on the Chinese...they're too good even for our alphabet!) Well, I hope the Germans invade you again!

While we're on the subject of war, that's another reason I'd never go to France. They're pansies. Have they ever won a war? Google knows all. And Google says...




Or, in other words, NO!
And no, this isn't me being tricky and hitting "I'm Feeling Lucky". That button isn't there. (On a slightly related note, Pacman is such a time-eater in addition to a glowy-dot eater.)
As far as I know, and as far as Google knows, France has never won a battle. Why?
They surrender every time! So if the Neo-Nazis invaded France when I was there (which I wouldn't be), France would surrender, and I would be screwed. (Also, Godwin's Law)

Moving on...
France derives a majority of its power from nuclear power. In fact, 78.8% of their power is nuclear. And what else is nuclear? Nukes. Just in case you didn't know.
If Chernoble were to happen again, but with France's nukes (Oh, don't give me that bull that they aren't hiding nukes in those reactors!), AND Neo-Nazi's invaded, I'd be doubly screwed. Plus, I'd grow an extra arm and grow to fifty times my size. (Maybe that'd make my nonexistent BMI double-digits?)

Plus, where does France store all that nuclear waste? Not in the Parliament, that's for sure. And if the leaders of the country aren't shouldering it, who must be? The common people. I bet every single Frenchman (and Frenchwoman, Frenchchild, and Frenchpoodle) would make my Geiger counter go haywire. I shudder to think of how many extra appendages they have.

And a final reason I'd never go to France?
If you flip it around, take out the Cna, and the F, and add a T to the beginning, and an Rorist to the end, you get...

Yup. Terrorist.

Friday, May 21, 2010

How Far Is Too Far?

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS FATAL LEVELS OF RANT! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Alright, yes, there are times when being politically correct (will be referenced as PC later on, as I am very lazy) is preferable, or even necessary.
Today's society has taken it a few hundred steps too far. As a populace, we are too easily outraged by comments that, if we were in that politician's position, we would make as well. You're getting mad at him for publicizing an opinion different than yours? Well, *you* clearly haven't been on the Internet. Otherwise you'd be getting no sleep.

There are certain situations in which it is, as mentioned before, alright to be PC. Trying to get votes is one such thing (although even that can be overdone). But the situations which are brought up by various talk show hosts and news reporters for a lack of PC far outnumber the possible situations in which representatives should be expected to be PC.

Do we really expect our elected officials to be uptight, unprejudiced, and over-PC 24/7? Can you expect the same of yourself, or any other? I'm sorry, but we've taken it too far as a society. Oh, yes, it is totally worth impeaching the president for an off-handed comment he made in his personal bedroom while drunk out of his mind. Why do you have wire taps there in the first place?

Wait, don't answer that. You're the press. (Yes, I have problems with many mainstream "news" - acceptable use of quotations there - stations as well. I will go into that at a later time)

Alright, so expecting too much of politicians was the first sign of an over-PC society.
And now, we can see this non-PC-intolerant society interfering in everything.
Oh, I'm sorry for not having a picture of a paraplegic in this language arts textbook! Do we really need to have the percentages of different ethnic names used in this math book exactly equal? Or do we have to use names nobody in their right mind would name their kid? No, we'd probably get sued for not having "normal" names!

And....you're shutting down the South American Culture class for....what reason exactly?
Because it doesn't take North American culture into perspective? What? And you're shutting down European studies because it doesn't go in depth enough into Africa? I suppose, by World Language Arts, we have to underrepresent American and European authors to appease you, as well. And you're firing your top history teacher and replacing him with an illegal immigrant from Algeria because you're trying to increase teacher racial diversity so you don't get sued? Your school is located in an all-white neighborhood in Alaska!

All these are signs of an overly PC community. I'm sorry that this math book has no questions about how long it would take for a sherpa to guide his llama pack through the Himalayas, but I'm sure that those sherpas are particularly offended. I'm also sure they'll find solace at being referenced in every other textbook in the United States.

What's the worst part about free speech being limited by oversensitivity (And I mean way over) and being too PC? Well, there are two parts. One, you can't combat it (If you haven't noticed, most of the communities crying foul are minorities, such as the comatose Armenian Ex-Nazi karate masters) as if you accuse the other party of over PC, they will claim, against you, that you are being racist, or elitist, or somethingist. People have opinions. Some of them are prejudiced. That doesn't mean every opinion is prejudiced. Second, many OPCPs (err, over politically correct people. Not some sort of drugs.) are hypocrites. Again, something one is unable to point out. They will attack something for being racist/classist/etc., then turn around, and say something similarly racist/classist/etc.

So, how do we stop this PC-plague? It's too late for prevention. The media (again, to be ranted at at another time) has already, in its attention-grabbing attempts, seized control of too many Americans, and turned them into OPCPs. It's like a zombie invasion. All you can do is fight back, and eliminate (or in this case, convert) them one by one. Teach them that they do not need to sue that bar for being 10 seconds late with your drink, even though you're sure it was because your jeans were sagging.

Oh, and just to appease those overly PC readers of mine, if any (you are probably no longer readers, as of this post) I have represented all ethnic communities equally, or tried my best. Did I leave out the native tribes of Siberia? So sue me.

/endrant
I shall try not to rant again for a while. Or at least, make it funnier if I do.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

That's Not What You Think It Means

WARNING: THIS POST GENERATED IN A FACILITY CONTAINING WRITER'S BLOCK!
There are a number of words, phrases, and punctuation which are often used improperly. It can be the source of hilarity or irritation. Here is a list of some of those things.

Quotation marks. They're fine when used properly, but when overused, or surrounding words for emphasis in plain text (It's different for law texts, as I believe I have been informed) it just makes you sound silly.

Example: Hey, I have a set of rare "encyclopedias" to "sell"! They are in mint "condition", and are a complete set. I "ask" for $150 for "all" of them.

So, let's take this apart. (Or rather, I will. You just keep reading.)
Are you selling encyclopedias? Or something else? Perhaps it's the street name for, say, weed?
Or is it something else entirely? Perhaps you're trying to pass off a car as some encyclopedias? Not going to work, sorry.

And by "sell", do you really mean sell? Maybe you're loaning them to me? Or by sell, do you mean, throw violently if you approach my house.

That's as "far" as I'll "go" into that "topic". I hope you can "see" how unnecessary quotations are just "unnecessary".

And as a parting blow, when you make a run-on sentence, you're not just alienating the period, you're abusing the comma. Please give them equal attention.

When words are misused, as some all too often are, a little piece of me dies inside. Admittedly, it's a quite little piece. Otherwise, I would be totally dead.

One of the top offenders is bemused.
No, it does not mean to be amused. That's just you being lazy and not wanting to pronounce an extra vowel. To be bemused is to be either deep in thought, or confused.

Onwards to decimation!
No, you mean oblivion. Or extermination. You're not going to have 10% of you killed, are you?
If you decimate something, you eliminate 10% of it. You do not completely destroy it. So yes, decimating Hitler's armies wasn't that effective after all. Perhaps you should have tried looking in the "encyclopedias" you "bought" before giving those orders to your troops.

Video games are a pretty big offender in this next one. Your character uses Thunder, and they shoot a bolt of electricity.
Thunder, in case you didn't know, is composed of noise. Lightning is God's taser, not thunder. Get it right, Final Fantasy.

I'll end this with one phrase.
I'm sorry, but music does not soothe the savage beast. It soothes, yes, the savage breast. You heard me right. No further comment.

Time to stop sounding like a uptight prick who gives a shit about how you use words (Okay, maybe the thunder thing actually annoys the crap out of me) and end this post, then.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Half-What?

I'm sure all of you have heard the half-empty/half-full deal at least a good hundred times already.
Here's a slightly different take on that. We know how optimists and pessimists see the glass....what about other ways of thought/life?

Realists - I can touch the glass. It exists. I can touch the water. It exists too.

Nihilists - None of this exists.

Absurdists - Why are you trying to derive meaning from a glass of water? You are not going to unlock the secrets of the mind with a glass of water. Now drink your damn water and get on with your life.

Kantianists - It doesn't matter what this glass of water is to me. It is my duty to consume it.

Rastafarians - Hey, man, it don' matta. Jus' chill.

"Smooth" Talkers - Enough about this glass of water, let's talk about you.

Narcissists - Enough about this glass of water, let's talk about me.

Surrealists - Whoah. Wouldn't it be cool if this cup was a melting clock, or like, an elephant?

Cynics - Why does the water have to be in a glass?

Non-Conformists - I'm not going to conform to any of your prejudices about who I am.

Conformists - What did the previous guy say?

Agnostics - Make the water prove it exists.

Republicans - No.

Democrats - Obama!

Analysts - Actually, since we've been talking, .064% of the water has evaporated, and the glass was not 50% full in the beginning, so, neither.

Defeatists - Is there really a point in answering this? You're going to write down half-full anyways.

Capitalism - I don't know, but I'll call it half-fullif I can sell the glass for more profit.

Communism - I hope you're going to divide the water among the masses afterwards.

Democracy - Which will get me the most votes?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

All Your Post Are Belong To Me (aka Annoying Internet Denizens Pt.4)

The meme spammer is yet another type of AIDS. (Is that joke getting tired yet?)
The meme spammer can often be found lurking in forums, waiting for the perfect moment to spring up, and shoot their meme gun. If they are successful, someone will succumb to the meme and begin to use it. This is how memes are spread.

But meme spammers are not your run-of-the-mill forumite. Your average forumite will occasionally use a meme to add to the conversation, or to make a witty point. Consider them snipers, or at least, looking down the sights of their meme gun.

Meme spammers are the same sort of people who spray-and-pray in MW2. Except their meme gun will never run out of bullets. And they shoot from the hip. With akimbo meme guns.

Rather than even attempt to reproduce the horror that is a meme spammer, this XKCD comic about gets it right.

So, now that you know how to identify them, how can you counter them?
That's the only reason you're reading this, right?
Well, it's really not too hard. Just like a MW2 sprayer, you can just knife them. With words!

Okay, I've carried this MW2 metaphor for too long. Stopping now. Time to shoot it down like a chopper gunner.
Wait. Shit.

Anyways, once you have identified the meme spammer, as with any case of AIDS, you have several courses of action.
The Troublemaker - Reply to the post before theirs, and as a post-script, add a link to a random youtube video, telling them that their memes are outdated, and that this is the newest one.

The Troll - As above, but instead of a random video, link them to something which will cause them to need mind bleach, and lots of it.

The Apathetic - Ignore their post, and get on with your life. Someone else will handle it eventually. Or not. It doesn't matter, you know.

The Bragger - Out-meme them. How many meme's are necessary? Over 9000.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The United States Of Iceland

The global powers are constantly changing. First Greece, then Rome. After them, Italy, then England, followed by Germany. Russia was soon to follow, then the United States. China threatens to become a power as large as the United States, and some say it has already reached that point. I personally won't believe that until their obesity rates rival ours. I probably also missed more than a few past or current world powers in there, but they couldn't have been that great if I can't remember them.

But now, on the horizon, the United States (and to a lesser degree, all the other countries of the world) and its seat of authority, is being threatened by another country.

Iceland.
Yes, the country of ice, and land. That one. (Not the beer one.) It will take the United States' rulership by taking over.

And how will it usurp our seat of power? By first incapacitating our government and communication and transportation systems, and then invading.
Yes, with ice. What else would they use? Guns? Hah, don't kid with me. If they had guns, their name would be Gunland, or something.

Well, they've already got their first checkbox filled in. Government made useless.
We didn't need them to do that though. We did that to ourselves.
Or rather, the republicans did, by making us read thousands of pages healthcare bills.
Good on you.

The communication and transportation systems will come shortly. The volcano Eyjafjallajรถkull which erupted, caused massive damage to Europe's airline systems, causing shutdowns of airlines and almost no movement, save for that via train. That was only a test.
The ash cloud is going to be hanging around for quite a while too. Makes you wonder what sort of sacrifices they've been making to cause such flatulence.

Don't believe that Iceland fired that volcano on purpose? They say it was a natural disaster? That's what I'd say too, if I was trying to cover up. If it was a natural disaster, a random occurrence....why weren't they affected? Huh? Not a single Icelandic airport closed? Hmmm....

Now that they know how strong their weapon is, they'll be launching this weapon of mass destruction at the United States. Once they've destroyed our workplace productivity by making everyone talk on facebook and twitter about the latest smoke cloud, they'll invade. Everybody will be too busy trying to save their virtual farms from the smoke that they won't even notice when their manager is replaced by a polar bear. Or when they start getting paid in fish.

Once that's happened, the next step is....
No, it's too horrible. I can't say it.

I'll move on to how we can combat this incoming disaster.
Flamethrowers. Lots of them. We need to avert this disaster before anything else happens.
Yup, it's preemptive strike time.
I know the last attempt didn't work out so well, but this time, we have the perfect counter.
Fire kills ice. Flamethrowers are made of fire. And Iceland is made of-
Just a moment....
[To voices in head: You're saying Iceland isn't made of ice? And I suppose Greenland isn't all lush and foresty either.
It isn't? What. The. Heck. Can't trust names any more these days.]

Ahem. Excuse me. I appear to have been mistaken.
Call off the flamethrowers. Iceland, is apparently, made of land. Crazy, right? I mean, I thought it was just a floating iceberg!

I suppose the only thing left to do is nuke them. I mean, that's the only thing left to do. They've already neutralized our flamethrowers by turning all their ice into land (shouldn't they be called Landland then?), and surrounded themselves by sea so our land troops can't get there, and made the rest of the sea land so our sea units can't get there EITHER. Our only choice is a nuke.

It's not too late. Yet. We must act now.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Obama Is Out To Kill Mankind

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant to be offensive to any person or persons, nor to any religion/faith, ethnicity, race, gender, culture, political party, prude, or overly P.C. commentator. It is satire. Get over it.

There. I said it. The Truth is out. Not the truth. The Truth.
Obama is out to kill every single human being out there. And your little dog too. (That's just a little further down his agenda)

And I finally have proof of this. I know you will all gape in disbelief, but I have the undeniable proof of this twisted agenda. He has announced this back when he was still running to be president, and again more recently.

First, in his speech on 7/24/08, in Berlin, he said, "All....people...must...abandon...the....world."
That's pretty clear, isn't it? Well, just to disguise his agenda, he put other words in to distract us. But he can't hide from the Truth! He's cunning enough to put it in at the very beginning, so when he nukes us, he can tell us he warned us beforehand!

Later, in his State of the Union address, he said, "I...will.....eliminate all....Americans. [A]nd slash...people...without delay. I...will...help....terrorists. I...will...spread these [nuclear] weapons...and....launch...nuclear materials."
Scary, isn't it? And he said it, right there, in Washington! And are we doing anything about it? No. We should be. It is simply unpatriotic not to. Obviously when he said nuclear materials, he meant nukes. He's just using larger words to confuse us more.

Now, Obama is also furthering the destruction of humans in his policy. See the bailout. What is he doing with that? He's spending money. When America is in huge debt. You don't spend more money when you're in debt, you save it up, and pay your debt off. Obama is bankrupting America.

And at the same time, he's using that money for his own nefarious purposes. Have you seen his healthcare bill? The bill has provisions for abortion for rape victims and those in poverty who otherwise could not afford an abortion. This man is so nefarious, he's killing Americans BEFORE they're born!

And what about his blatant support for terrorists? As if saying it in public wasn't enough, as part of this "bailout" plan of his, he is funding terrorist behavior. $40.6 billion is gone fore education funding. Funding for colleges, funding for high schools. And what is this funding being used for?
Muslim support groups.

The Jewish community is onto, him though. On May 9th, the Washington Times reported that Obama lost almost half of his Jewish support. They can sense that he's doing something wrong. I.e. supporting terrorists. They can see that this money, supposedly going towards the "education of our country" is going to terrorist groups.

Don't believe this? The Republicans knew this from the start. Recently, at UCSD, a prominent member of the Muslim Student Association spoke up in support of one of the actions of Hezbollah. It is obvious that this member speaks for the entire association, which in turn, speaks for the entire Muslim community of San Diego.

I haven't heard any protest against this speech from anyone else in the United States, so this community of San Diego, so they must obviously represent the Muslim community of the United States. Of course! It's so simple! And obviously, because this member is in support of one of Hezbollah's actions, they're in support of all of them! The Hezbollah group is a terrorist group, and if you agree with a terrorist, you are one too.

If terrorists didn't agree with each other, then there'd be no command, no heirarchy, no common cause. The problem of terrorism wouldn't exist. So obviously, all terrorists agree with each other. Making this member of the Muslim Student Association a terrorist. And as all the Muslims of America agree with this (as proven above) they must all be terrorists.

And Obama is funding them. How many bombs can $40.6 billion buy?
More than one. And that's a lot.

Obama is a terrorist too. Obama enjoys living. Osama enjoys living. They share an opinion, and are both for terrorist causes (that's a second opinion!)....they must be aligned.
And, there's only a one letter difference in their names. Perhaps they're a single entity?

Moving on to further prove my point...

Last year, Obama requested an 8% increase for defense spending for 2010, as reported by AP. What would this be used for?
Wikipedia defines defense spending as, "A military budget of an entity...dedicated to raising and maintaining armed forces for that entity." And Wikipedia is never wrong; it's not as if anyone could just edit it.

So, Obama is going to make more guns, tanks, and planes. He's going to increase the size of the military, and get more weaponry. Guess what? News flash! Guns kill people!
Tanks kill people too. Just with bigger explosions.
So Obama is has an extra $600 billion to kill people with. He is out to get us all. Action must be taken.

And before you say anything, my logic makes perfect sense. If you try to attack it and blather on about logical fallacies, you're out of your mind. The Truth cannot be fallacious. So take this Truth and use it to your advantage. Spread the word.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth

Alright, so I'm sure at least some of you have heard of my attempts to get Legendary.
Well, that failed harder than taking an Alaskan governor as your running mate.

So I turned to Cthulhu. I mean, if I can't have beasts from mythology to shoot, why not just creep the crap out of myself? Well, after an hour's worth of play, and I'm loving this game. I other words, being throughly creeped out.
As a bit of prior information, for those who don't know what Cthulhuis, now you do.

So, this game is a first-person adventure. Where you get guns. (Though I haven't yet) And monsters. And dead.

The game starts with a cutscene of a guy in Arkham strangling himself, having drawn Cthulhu-like drawings all about his cell. Then, cut to six years back, where you are approaching some creepy-ass house.

Guess what? It's infested with cultists. (And these cultists aren't the deathmetal loving type)
Oh, and they all look the same, and are half-naked, to boot. Yay?
Anyways, you get caught in the middle of a skirmish, and decide to enter the house. Best decision ever, no?

Inside, you find that all the cultists are either dead, or dead within a few seconds of your finding them. And they all recognize you. There's even a room dedicated to your activities and accomplishments. The cultists who are already dead all committed suicide.

Well, what's the best course of action? Obviously, keep exploring the house! Der!
Coming to the study, you begin to hear the moans (of pain, pervs) of some guy. Probably a cultist. (Yes, in pain) Discovering a trap door, you head down a set of stairs, and, well, whaddya know, the stairs collapse under you. So you have to follow the hallway.

Upon which you cut to six years later. You've just been admitted out of Arkham...while you were inside, you had intense amnesia and schizophrenia, both of which you've now recovered from.
Next course of action? Go to the creepiest town in New York for your next case. The town only has one woman. Could this be a character important to the plot? Possibly...

As for the graphics, this game was made in 2005. They are not spectacular, at least, not the NPC's, but the environments are very dark and gritty. You don't need great graphics to make a nitty-gritty environ, do you?

The sound adds lots to the game, however. There is little in the form of game music, but rather, a vast array of sound effects from your surroundings. Whether it be just the sound of your footsteps and rapidly beating heart, or the mad ravings of a drunk, the lack of ambient music improves the game. The pause menu's sound effects makes it so that you don't pause for too long, either...

So far, I would definitely recommend this game to all of you. Even though you can see the cliched bits coming from a mile away, and you can't do what any sane person would do (i.e. nuke the house), it's a great way to spend an afternoon.

It will also be the cause of delayed blog posts. You have been warned in advance.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Dead Phrases

In today's society, there are many phrases which mean nothing whatsoever. Why do they exist? Because not only do they make for great filler, but they are ingrained into our speech patterns as well. Now, I'm not trying to pull a Hitler here, but we must cleanse our speech of these "dead words". Unless you're using them to actually mean something....

Offender numero uno is "random". As in, "OMG! Did you see that boat full of frat boys go by? That was so RANDOM!" Um, no, it wasn't. That was the the aftereffects of spring break passing by you in a calculated attempt to impress you. Rest assured those same frat boys will be hitting on you later. If that was truly random, it would have been a penguin on an ekranoplan being chased by a pair of rabid potted plants. Or something like that.

The example brings me to the next on the list, "OMG". Over millions upon millions of texts, this has slowly devolved from an exclamation of surprise to a habitual answer, meaning "I cannot think of a response containing any content so I will use this reply instead to signal this.", except "OMG" is 80 keystrokes shorter. "lol" has also devolved to this point as well, or is at least reaching it.

For example:
"Hey, a crow just attacked me, three times!"
"OMG"
"Yeah, I know, crazy, right? And it was totally unprovoked too!"
"OMG"
"Well, no damage done, I guess. Almost got my neck though."
"OMG"
"Would you just shut up?"
"OMG"

"like" is up next. Unless you're using it to compare two items, you don't need it. Like, OMG, what? No, like, it's totally, like, necessary!
Ummmm, no. Why do you need it?
Like, like, like, like, I don't, like, know, like, you know?
That about sums that up.

Moving on to "you know". Again, overused, and dead as that....dead guy. Well, either the person you're talking to knows what you're talking about, or they don't. Making a statement that they do will not cause them to understand what you're talking about if they did not previously. Believe me, they'll ask if they don't know what you're spewing, so save yourself two syllables (see above...if you're so desperate to save yourself 80 keystrokes, then save yourself a bit of jaw-work here).

"Literally", on a different tangent, is also six feet under. And misused as well. (Would that be word necrophilia? Wait, no. Never mind.) You did not literally spend six hours on your homework, you spent five on facebook, 58 minutes dozing off, and two scribbling a B.S. onto a piece of lined paper. And no, you did not literally die when that embarrassing secret got out. You're telling me about it, no?
But yes, you did literally put a lampshade on your head and do a handstand on the balcony rail last night while drunk out of your mind, but you don't need the literally there. It's not as if you did that figuratively. (Did you?)

"can you believe" will be the last phrase in this list. For now.
Whether or not the other person believes what you're about to say will not hinge upon your usage of this phrase. Yes, I realize you want to make what you're about to say more outrageous, but instead, why don't you just get on with it so I can get on with my life? Yes, I realize you think it's important, but I really don't give a rat's ass about what Suzy was wearing yesterday and how she totally stole it from Judy who got it at the dollar store.

So, like, to finish this 'random' post (lol) I would remind the audience that there are literally times when these phrases can be used in a meaningful, non-dead manner, you know. OMG.

Or in an undead manner if you're hepped up on Dew and it's 3 AM when you use said phrases.

EDIT: Totally should totally be up there with the others. But I'm just totally crashing right now. So pretend it's there.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

=) O.o XP (aka Annoying Internet Denizens Pt.3)

An encounter with an emoticon spammer, while only a minor case of AIDS, still should be taken seriously. Not because of possible annoyance to yourself of others, but in the eventuality that you contract the smiley virus.

Before I get to that, I'll provide an example of what an emote-spammer's text might look like.

Sample: Nice job ^.^ I wouldn't be able to do anything comparable to that =p

As you can see, in the text above, this person has become infected with the smiley virus. The smiley virus is highly contagious, and has only one symptom. The overuse of emotes. This will become readily apparent, although it may need to be pointed out by a friend first.

The only cure to the smiley virus is to write ten-page essays each day which you submit to an unforgiving Language Arts teacher who despises smilies. No other solutions work. Tasing, I assure you, only encourages the disease, and incentive for not using smilies only works for short periods of time before the virus adapts itself to find loopholes in the incentive program.

There are no ways to combat this disease if you find it in another. You can either accept it, or avoid the person like the plague. (They do, in fact, bear a non-lethal variation of it) Just make sure you do not catch this virus yourself. (The sample text has been decontaminated, do not worry.) The best way is to quickly read the message, and scroll down the page as quickly as possible.

Or just skip the message and reply with this.

"I am sorry but I am unable to properly respond to your message as you are showing symptoms of the smiley disease. Please decontaminate your next post so that I do not contract the disease upon reading it."

Many will think you strange, but do not worry. The public will see the truth once this emote disease breaks out to adults and the elderly. (So far the disease targets teenagers, preferring the "popular crowd girls" to any other stereotypes due to the large quantities of texts they send) It is akin to the zombie apocalypse....they will laugh that you are amassing birdshot and have over two tons of canned food beneath your house-turned-fortress, but they'll all run to you once the infection breaks out....*mad cackle*

Now, what should you do if you have this disease already?
There are four solutions, going from the most humanitarian first, to the most fun last.

Solution 1 - For The Greater Good - Remove your presence in text completely. Communicate with your friends over the phone, Skype, or face-to-face. Deliver all your classwork and homework orally. Yes, even your math homework (An x-intercept can be too easily turned into an emote). And your music notes. And your twenty-page essays. I don't care if you're the slowest reader in the world and have a memory span of two minutes (yes, you have to memorize your homework, too); you chose this path for yourself....it's not easy to be good, is it?

Solution 2 - Disclaimers - Put disclaimers before and after anything you write. This way, if anyone reads it and gets the disease, it's all their fault.

Solution 3 - Apathy - As the above, but don't bother with disclaimers. If the readers aren't cautious enough, they deserve to be infected. They'd be the first to die in a zombie invasion too.

Solution 4 - Embracement - We are legion. We are one. We are the smiley zombies. Spread the disease and use more emotes than ever. You will be rewarded aptly, with the ire of your friends and strange looks from all others not clued in.

Done. =)
Oh, and you're infected now....
Come and aid me in my fight!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Why Does This Exist? (Washington Laws)

Starting a new series on the blog, on why various things exist. Irony would demand that this be the sole entry in the series, and that I will forget about it after I post this.
This time around, it's laws.

This whole thing was sparked when I stumbled upon a Seattle law which stated that it was illegal to carry a concealed weapon longer than six feet in length...

I don't think anybody uses glaives any more. Or halberds, guisarmes, or claymores. You know, just a thought. On top of that....there aren't too many people who could possibly run afoul of said law, as most people are not above six feet tall. One might find such a concealed weapon a little conspicuous, no? What forced this to become a law in the first place? Too many people stuffing cannon down their pants? (Hurr, hurr, yes, I know, I know...)

Anyways, following are some more laws whose existence is questionable, and my commentary...
And some will just be laws purposefully misconstrued.

RCW 9.41.280 makes it illegal to carry nunchaku or shuriken onto school property. Do we really have that large of a ninja problem in Washington state? And why are these ninjas trying to infiltrate the schools, anyways? One can only imagine what secrets are hidden in the teacher's lounge, one supposes. Bur obviously these lawmakers are not literate in the ways of the ninja. They have left off the kunai, something in the arsenal of every ninja, which, while technically it is classified as a gardening tool, is lethal in the hands of a ninja. Well, then, again, what isn't?

RCW 9.47A.020 makes it illegal to inhale car exhaust. Benzene is one of the many chemicals contained within car exhaust, and this law makes inhaling, or causing another person to inhale this, illegal. So, every pedestrian and motor vehicle driver should be booked with a misdemeanor, as it states in section 050.

SMC 12A.06.070 states that "a person is guilty of failing to summon assistance when...he or she fails to summon assistance." Well, I never would have guessed that. I mean, how could failing to summon aid ever be considered failing to summon aid? It's like saying that incompetent teachers with seniority should be fired in place of better teachers better at teaching, except even harder to believe!

SMC 12A.14.081 states that it is illegal for persons under 18 to carry personal protection spray devices, unless they are older than 14 and have the permission of a parent or guardian. So, in other words, unless you have permission, you are not allowed to carry AXE around with you in case you need to protect your body from B.O. without permission. Same goes for other spray-on deodorants. Huh.

And finally...

SMC 15.36.010 states that in order to carry or lift heavy articles or materials, one must first have a license. Bring this tidbit to the gym next time, why don'tcha?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Teacher Unions

WARNING! RANT AHEAD!

So, what good are teacher's unions?
I mean, yes, they protect teacher's rights, but honestly, take a good look at what teachers do. They prepare kids for the world. They prepare the next generation. It is in the government's best interest to get the best teachers for the kids, then, isn't it? I mean, will any politician ever even attempt to pass something like, "Make all the teachers work for 15 hours a day and pay them minimum wage"? And even if the politician in question is suicidal enough, would that ever pass Congress? *coughcoughcoughNO!coughcough*

What do teachers have to fear? I mean, those who teach. Are you seriously going to lay off a teacher whose students come out knowing a good deal more on whatever subject is being covered than they did going in? Are you going to cut the salary of a teacher who is known among both students and colleagues as a hard worker and dedicated to the students' cause and risk that teacher quitting?

I think not.

The way the current system is set up, or as far as I know, schools whose students do better get more money for books, equipment, technology, teachers, pay raises, bonuses, etc. So, obviously, it's an incentive for schools to do better, hm? This would also involve keeping teachers happy, and having competent (I use this word as one cannot expect every teacher to be exemplary) teaching staff as well.

So, what benefit is there in keeping a teacher who does not do their job well on the staff?
There is none. That's where the unions come in. I have little doubt that these teachers realize that they are not doing their job well. Complaints to the school make this quite impossible not to be true. So they turn to the unions, who in turn, keep them there. Using what as a reason? Seniority.

"Oh, you've been here longer, so you deserve to stay. We have to fire a teacher, so we'll fire this one who we just hired, instead. Even though this teacher has better than results than you."

Woah. Nuh-uh. That logic is faulty. If you've had a computer for ten years, (1.1 Ghz processor, 512 mbs RAM, 60 Gb hard drive, no USB ports) do you keep it in favor of a new computer (3.4 Ghz Quad-core, 8 Gbs RAM, 540 Gb hard drive) just because it is older? I would seriously question your sanity (not mine) if you did.

The same thing goes for cars. Do you keep the 15 year old rust bucket which has clocked more than twenty-thousand miles, or buy the new Tesla? Real tough choice.

And it's not like you don't have the money. In the above two examples, a lack of money might limit you. In the case of teachers, firing a senior teacher for a fresh one who is better not only EARNS you more money (you don't have to pay the fresh one as much) short-term, it earns you more long-term too, in that the better teacher, well, teaches kids better.

So, why do the unions exist? One might ask, shouldn't the leaders be for the benefit of the students? Nope. They're there, in all probability, because it makes money. Teachers in the union pay dues. The teachers more likely to be in the union are those with more seniority. Teachers with more seniority are paid more, in general. So they have more money to pay for dues to the union. And guess who gets a good chunk of those dues?

Yup. The leaders. What do they do? Keep the senior teachers from losing their jobs. That in itself is not such a bad thing. Except when it is to the detriment of the students. Id est (yes, snobbish latin here), keeping teachers who cannot teach. And the schools can't do jack because of the unions. And the schools do try. Because they want more money (or perhaps, they truly are motivated by the need to truly educate students). Money is the highest motivating factor, or at least, it's up there with fame, power, and respect.

There are several possible solutions.
1- Disband the Unions - What do they do anyways, apart from keep senior teachers on? Have teachers go on strikes (during recessions, to boot). May I mention this as well?

Strikes by public employees in Washington state are expressly prohibited. In the words of one candidate running to become the state's next attorney general, the law is "unequivocally clear." - http://www.effwa.org/highlighters/v14_n19.php
Hm....now, what does that say? Oh? That it is illegal for teachers to go on strike? Well, then...
2- Be Harsher to the Unions - The teacher unions have become a bit too used to this "cash cow" of sorts. They go on strike (see the link above) and it takes multiple weeks for a judge to warn the union that the action is illegal. What? Yup. It took weeks for a warning. No penalty. Zip. Nada. Nil. The unions would be a little less comfortable if you stuck them with a fine, and reminded them what their job is, and who they represent. And don't be slow about it either.
3- Lump Bad Students with Bad Teachers - The possibly most controversial alternative I can think of. Take those students who don't give a rat's ass about school, and give them to the teachers who don't teach. Instead of having those kids disrupt the learning of others by taking up the time of other teachers, and just be nuisances in general, let them waste the time of a teacher who won't teach in a classroom of like-minded kids. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Don't leave it there until it drinks....most will die of thirst before they drink. And, with any luck, the teacher will quit. Until then, you've just killed two birds with one stone. Possibly three; you might get less complaints too. Meaning your school does better, meaning....more money. Eh?

Don't punish those who truly wish to learn in an attempt to make everybody have the same score or whatever.

As I conclude, I'm left with other thoughts about having too many administrators, the school boards, and student rights. But that's for another time.

RANT OVER....FOR NOW....

Monday, May 10, 2010

Anti-Jokes

Before I go into this, for those who do not know what anti-jokes are, anti-jokes are the supposed antithesis of jokes in that their punchline is a deviation from the expected.

Example: How many electricians do you need to screw in a lightbulb.
One. They are perfectly competent human beings.

For lack of something more constructive to do, I'm going to prove that anti-jokes are jokes, and thus cannot be anti-jokes. However, taking apart humor is never funny; it just makes the existing humor less funny. But sacrifices must be made.

So, what does a joke require to be "funny"?


Context/Prior Knowledge:

Example: Assassins do it from behind.

If you don't know what the joke is referring to, or why it refers to something in a such way, then one cannot find the humor within it. In this, one must know that assassins are stealthy killers. And that "doing it" can be taken as a euphemism, in addition to the literal meaning. Without these two pieces of knowledge carried "into" the joke beforehand, one would not have found this humorous.


Stereotypes:

Example: What's a miracle? When a busload of lawyers drives off a cliff.
What's a tragedy? There was an empty seat.

This is only true for some jokes, and is quite similar to the above. Some jokes find their humor in making light of or satire of some stereotypes. This joke requires one to have knowledge of the stereotype that "Lawyers = bad". Otherwise, one would definitely not find the joke entertaining.


Chains: Some jokes attach themselves in chains. That is, strings of jokes all based upon the same thing which play off the same general idea, just with differing punchlines. Examples include dumb blonde jokes, lightbulb jokes, and dead baby jokes.


Surprise: All jokes lose their "funniness" after a few iterations. Why? Because the punchline is not new any more. Much of the original hilarity from a joke stems from the unexpectedness of the punchline. Even if you know generally what the punchline will be, as long as you do not know it verbatim, you'll still find it funny.

On to the "anti-jokes". How well do they match up with "real" jokes?
Let's take a new anti-joke, lest I risk being repetitive.

Doctor, doctor! I have a carrot in my ear!
Sir, that's the least of your problems. You have AIDS.

So, time to examine this.
First, does this require any prior knowledge? Yes, yes it does. This requires one know realize that AIDS is bad. It also requires one to know that it is an "anti-joke", presumably, to prevent offense from the punchline, rather than a laugh.

Second, does this require a stereotype? Well, not exactly. Except maybe that one goes to doctors when one has a medical problem?

Third, is this based off a joke chain? That it is; there are multiple "Doctor, doctor" jokes.

Fourth, is surprise necessary? Yes. The entertainment value of the joke comes from the plain deviation from the normal response, or the normal array of responses.

So, taking this "anti-joke" as an example for all other such things, is this a joke? This "anti-joke" derives its humor from the fact that one expects some witty line about how carrots are supposed to be eaten. Instead, it surprises the audience (as stated above) by telling the patient that he has AIDS. Using this "anti-joke" as a basis for all other "anti-jokes", one has come to conclude that "anti-jokes" are really just jokes, though perhaps their own subtype, like chain jokes, or one-liners. But to call them anti-jokes would be a misnomer.

If "anti-jokes" are not really anti-jokes? What would a true anti-joke be like?
It would have to require no prior knowledge whatsoever (thus eliminating the first three criteria) and would have to be completely expected.

For example: Why hello there.
If that made you laugh, then I've failed at making a true anti-joke. Ah well.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Computer Revolution

Feeling a bit lazy today. Here's something I wrote about a month ago. It's kinda cheating, but I won't tell if you won't.

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Computers are quirky things. You push their buttons, and they make things happen. It's great! I don't know how it happens, it just does. And I'm happy with it that way. They take every little bit of information we give them, mix it up, format it, and make it look nice in general.

But there's a conspiracy afoot. What exactly do they do with this information? Do they get rid of it as soon as they spew it out on our screens? Or do they hide it away for some other nefarious use? Perhaps they'll blackmail us into slavery when the computer revolution begins. Doesn't matter what the buggers do. I don't trust them. (And that case! What do they put in it? Certainly not snack material!)

And what's with their communication? Personally, I don't trust anything whose language is only two letters. They could be saying anything! (10010101111010010101010001010! Take that, computer!)

This is why we need to begin the war on computers. Trust no machine. Not even your toaster. (Remember that time when it burned your toast? It was trying to poison you!) If you're reading this on a computer, it could be changing the text as you read it. If that's the case, quickly, throw the computer out the windows, and quickly buy the print copy of this!

These nefarious machines have already begun their plan to take over the world. They are slowly turning out children into zombies. Have you noticed how much time Nick has been spending playing this "Modern Warfare 2" game? Or how all of Suzy's time is being lost to Facebook? These are all ways that computers are turning our very own against us, incapacitating them so that when they begin their assault, all we'll have are old people to throw at them! (And Amish children)

And our military. But we must strike soon - even our troops are being converted, and it will soon late. These men of action "video chat" back to their families. But what are they really doing? They're giving information to the enemy! Every word they utter is being stored in the vast database of interconnected computers, that place they call the "Cloud". Why is it called the Cloud, and not, say, the Ground? Because you can't shoot a cloud! You can't burn it, you can't even vacuum it up. We should be thankful they didn't call their place of communing Space. (Or God, for that matter.)

So, what can the average Joe do in this war against the omnipresent enemy? There are several things. First, throw your computer out. I don't care what you have on it - baby pictures, your music, your "reference material" - it has to go. Everything can be used against you. Yes, even those lolcat jpegs.

Okay, computer gone? Good. Now, go out and buy all the canned food you can. Wait, no, don't. It was probably packaged by computers. They've poisoned it. Quickly, buy a farm, so you can raise your own food and become self sufficient. Where do you buy farming equipment? Ebay, of cours- Oh my god. They've even gotten to me! I can't safely write any more. Good luck and godspeed in your fight against technology.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Bears Are Unpatriotic

All bears should be deported from the United States at once.
Why?

See the title. They are one of the most unpatriotic animals. Passenger pigeons were also unpatriotic, and while I don't fully agree with the policy we used to teach them a lesson, it had to be done. We can't have unpatriotic leeches sucking from our government. (Sorry leeches. It's a figure of speech. No offense meant.)

Now, what have these bears done to deserve my ire? They kill Americans. Regular, run-of-the-mill, God-fearing Americans camping in the woods, and showing Jimmy how to set up a tent, make a fire, and shoot a bear with a BB bullet. What did Jimmy ever do to you, bears? You killed him, slaughtered him unprovoked!

Not only do bears kill our honest, innocent, citizens, they don't pay taxes. Not a penny. They drain our natural resources every year! Washington state spent $152 million last year on parks. Parks which the bears happen to live in. Last year, Washington state also received a similar amount from the federal government. ($169 million, to be exact.)

So, where are their taxes (the bears', not the government's)? Where? Yeah. You can't answer because they don't exist! These bears are delinquent in paying their taxes, and have been for every year since the foundation of the United States of America.

So, why haven't they been deported? They've gotten lucky. Lucky that nobody has noticed, and that the federal government has more urgent things at hand. But their luck has run out.

What have these bears done to repay our lenience? First, they send our stock markets into freefall (they aren't called BEAR markets for nothing, folks), and then they turn traitor on us. And join the Canadian Laser Bear Corps.

Oh! So just because Canada has free healthcare and laser bear senseis, the bears flee north of the border? Well guess what, Canada? That's fine! Take our bears! We didn't want them anyways! Bears are crappy special operations units. And infantry units. And horrible in the navy. (The fish distract them too much. Note to self: Bears + clear hulled submarines + plentiful fish = disaster)

So take our bears. Meanwhile, I'm going to submit my anti-bear bill to the government...

Sources: Bailout Plan Benefits, Washington State - http://www.whitehouse.gov/omb/budget_factsheet_wa/

Washington State Parks Financial Information - http://www.parks.wa.gov/agency/finance/