Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Problems Never Go Away

I think it's readily apparent that problems never vanish, just like exes. You can diminish them, or give them to someone else, but you can never eliminate them (Again, just like exes). Every single problem that humanity has ever faced still exists in the world, in one shape or another. (Your ex sure has gained weight!)

Skeptical? Think about it. How often do you have to mow your lawn? Not just once, certainly. Same for cleaning the floor, and the dishes too. The problem just keeps coming back. When you hire someone to do that for you, you're passing the problem away.

Even on a larger scale, problems still exist. Segregation and racism still play major parts in everyday life. When someone who is non-White is assaulted by the police, they play the race card, calling it a "hate crime", or "an act of racism". (No chance it's just you overreacting to the coppers doing their job, hmmm? There will be a rant on this in the future.) Arizona's law is another example of this. Laundry is yet another example of how segregation is prominent in everyday life. (Why else would you separate the whites and the colors?)

Sexism. There's another problem that still exists. We just don't acknowledge it. Why is it that only women are having children? Why can't we men have children? That's downright sexist. (This man rebelled. Yeah, fight the oppression!) Sexism is also prominent in many a magazine. Why does Playboy contain only girls? Again, discriminating against men. Now is not the time for feminists to be angered, but rather for the masculinists to be shaking in anger! We demand equal rights!

But household tasks and -isms are not the only things which do not fade. Fights and wars are problems which never go away. The eleven Russian spies recently dug up from their cover? Remnants of the Cold War. And you can bet your ass (And your cows, goats, sheep...hell, bet the whole farm!) that there are more spies, just waiting to be found. And you know that fight you had with that other guy at the bar last night? That's going to keep happening, and happening, until, well, forever.

Think about any problem in your life. Can you get rid of it? If you think you can, you're wrong. Because I say so, and the voices in my head say I'm right. And one plus many is more than one. Hah.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Updates On The Zombie Crisis

As of June 23rd, Julia Gillard is the new PM of Australia, booting out her predecessor. Obviously, the public wants a zombie plan, or they would've kept her predecessor in, no? This is an outcry for a zombie plan! Julia, don't fail Australia, and don't fail the world!

In other news, the government still hasn't gotten a reply to my query about their zombie plan. Where is the change Obama promised?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Grand Old Party

I cannot understand why the Republicans don't hold the presidency, or the Senate majority...
They have valid arguments, and they had them back when Obama was campaigning.

Oh. Maybe that's why.

No, no. That can't be it. I mean, going against government regulation is the Conservative way. Yeah! Go conservatives! Stop those governments from regulating offshore oil drilling! Whoo!

Okay, so let's take a look at what the Grand Ol' Party is proposing in Texas.

"[They] would ban oral and anal sex..."

Nope. That's not government regulation in any way. Nuh-uh. La-la-la-la-la! I'm not listening! Your accusations of hypocrisy are meaningless and I'm not listening la-la-la-la-la! Stop talking, it's pointless...

"[They] would [also] give jail sentences to anyone who issues a marriage licence to a same-sex couple."

No, no. Stuff it. That's not government regulation, that's ummm....its.....stopping something that's obviously wrong. Yeah. That's what we're doing. We're not intruding on your private life or infringing upon your personal rights in any way. We're preventing you from doing something bad. That'll send you to Hell, you know. I'm sure you don't want to go to Hell.

I'm also sure you don't want to help bring about the downfall of society. Like the article says, "homosexuality tears at the fabric of society..."

If you practice homosexuality, or even support the rights of homosexuals, you're rank unpatriotic. You support the downfall of America! And not just America - all SOCIETY! That's the bloody world, that is. That's going against nature itself! Homosexuality will - and is - destroying humanity.

Let me present a few points for this.
First, the economy. The economy is utter crap right now. And obviously (as you can see because of my use of the word, as opposed to any statistics I don't have) gay rights are on the rise. Gay rights go up. Economy goes down. I think I see a relation...

If you really need some statistics, take a look at this.
Yeah. That's the Dow Jones, falling over 400 points over two days. Do you know what else that is?
The two days after Obama declared he was considering repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Then, at a gay pride event just four days ago, Obama promised the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. The Dow Jones tumbled 150 points over the course of that day.

The economy is sending us a message here. It's waving and screaming to get our attention, but we're not paying attention. We should be.

I have many more points I could make, but there are so many other good ones I have it would be unfair to pick just one. So instead I'll promote idea equality and not tell you any of them. That way you won't know I don't actually have any more.

So, I'll finish up quickly. The Texas GOP has also proposed to ban pornography. Damn straight. You know what looking at boobs gets you? An erection. Eternity in Hell. We're saving your souls, people! We're not interfering in your life or limiting what you can do in any way!

Well, you might ask how the Texas GOP would go about doing this. First we'd censor all the magazines you ever might read. For word porn too. Did you know that reading the word "sex" gets you the equivalent of a year in Hell? (Sex sex sex sex sex) After that, we would filter all internet - cable, wireless, and 3g/4g networks. We would ban all content with the letters 'p', 'o', 'r', or 'n' in it, and prevent any images of skin from being seen. In case, you know. So cease your pointless arguments about hypocrisy and let the GOP impinge upon your rights save your soul.

Afterword: To any Conservatives out there, please decry the blatant hypocrites of your party. That is all.

Friday, June 25, 2010

More Writing

Setting a new challenge for July. Write a short story every week, of 3,500 words minimum, 7,000 maximum. Hopefully this will aid me in limiting how much I write as I've had problems with overwriting....

I will be posting these here. Don't read them if you don't want to. I'll be trying to make them interesting with one thing or another. At the moment, I'm think for the first one, I'll include three random tvtropes...

And hopefully I won't get sucked into the site for so long I forget reality, as is prone to occur.

Fatism & Stupidism

DISCLAIMER: Those with fragile egos or those who are angered when they meet someone who doesn't speak English should not read this post. I am also insecure enough that I will add that this doesn't reflect my views on obesity, or at least the non-airplane parts. Stupidity on the other hand...

No, these words are not something I made up in order to write a blog post. They are the newest -isms to plague the world. First there was sexism, whose end required us to allow the women out of the kitchen every so often. Then there was racism, whose "end" no longer allowed us to state truths such as how all Asians can't drive without being persecuted by every damn news anchor in the world. And a bit before that, Fascism fell, meaning we could no longer justify taking over a country to revive the Roman empire.

Now we have fatism and stupidism. These -isms often go hand in hand with regarding McDonald's as your only grocery store, and thinking that you won't be hounded for posting a picture of your baby holding a bong, respectively. These two may be the greatest dangers to the sanctity of America, and quite possibly the world. I mean, if you're 900 pounds, why should you have pay for two airplane seats, when the 150 pound guy next to you (Who is also suffocating, but that's totally unrelated...) doesn't? That's fatism, that is! I mean, it's not my fault I'm fat! I can't control my body weight at all! (Okay, I'll admit that some parts of one's weight are out of control. Like how much of the three bags of chips you just ate is converted to fat.)

But honestly, why are morbidly obese people treated any differently than the slim celebs of Hollywood? They shouldn't be! Damn it, I want to see some people who break the scales on the front of People magazine, or I'll sue for fatism! (Okay, maybe I don't literally want to see that.) Why don't people take 600 pound men for bikini models? (See? That's sexism too!) There is absolutely nothing wrong with eating a KFC double down for every meal (Link for those who don't know what it is)! Nothing!

Alright, so maybe fatism is wrong, but America, and the world, has taken stupidism to a level beyond my belief. Why do people get persecuted for being stupid?

Okay, yeah. It's not their fault they didn't learn in school, or get some common sense. It's obviously the fault of society; we're such pricks, not giving public access to learning facilities and ways to learn life skills. And it's totally the media's fault that you posted a picture of your baby holding a bong on Facebook. As a society, we're such manipulative bastards.

Honestly, why are those less intelligent and less wise treated any differently? If I have an IQ of 56, and can't tell the difference between a cyanide pill and a green bean, does that make me any less qualified to run Microsoft, or Boeing? I think not! Just because I smoke crack all day doesn't mean I should be paid less than the manager who works his butt off to get all the shifts covered! This is so unjust, it makes me want to take another hit of cocaine!

Well, luckily, there are those who fight the lure of stupidism, and work for the good of A-class idiots everywhere. Without these fighters for equality, these freedom fighters, would George "Dubya" Bush have gotten into office? Nope. Would Green have made it onto England's football team? Unlikely. Stupidists everywhere are trying to prevent those of lesser intelligence from tackling jobs they know they could do, and that we know they can't.

Fatism and stupidism need to go. They are dividing this world, and not just by accidentally blowing up oil wells or dropping ballistics on the road. (That insect was freaking scary, man!)
Wait. That's a contradiction. Maybe they don't need to go...

These -isms aren't always bad. Without them, Arizona would officially no longer be bordering Mexico (With nobody to point out argumentum ad populum), South Africa and South America would be one and the same, and airline companies would be making far less money.

And finally, as a note to any shocked, horrified, or completely offended readers....see the About Me page. Then never listen to anyone speak again, lest they offend you, too.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Better Sports

You know what sports need?

Lots. Sports should be the universal language, and it should appeal to everyone. From the highschool drama queen, to the basement nerd. From the I-inherited-my-dad's-estate millionaire, to the hobos on the street. From that one guy, to that other guy. And maybe that one guy, too.

As is, sports really only appeal to one demographic. The sports-loving type. That's horrible advertising. Do you see any company sticking to the sports-loving type demographic for their product? Does any politician only lobby sports-lovers as he tries to get into office? Hell no! So neither should the world of sports. They should - no, must - expand into all regions of life, into all demographics. Don't settle for the demographic others won't!

There are a bunch of things the world of sports could do to attract more people. In fact, some are so obvious, it's amazing these haven't been implemented already.

Lethality is the first. You want to get better performance out of your athletes? You want to get the crowd into a bloodthirsty rage? Kill some players, or put the threat out there. Give the ref the power to kill players whenever he deems fit. Give all the players guarding bases chainsaws. Randomly spray the soccer field with napalm. Put landmines on the football field. This does two things. First, it puts Darwin's theory to work. The bad players get weeded out, so only the good remain. The good players reproduce in the locker room attract better players, while those more likely to die don't join the game, and the sport gets more competitive. After all, competition is what it's about, right? Second, this attracts more fans. All those hemophiliacs will just bleed all over this. (I'm sure I'm using the word right, so shut up!) Who doesn't love a blood splattered field, or lions chasing the batter? (That'll teach him to eat hot dogs before going to bat.)

Put sparkly vampires in the game. Then behead them part way through.
This gets you the whole Twilight fanbase and the disgruntled significant others of the Twilight fanbase in one fell swoop. Also, you kill a sparkly vampire. What's not to love?
Throw in an angsty teenage wizard, and you get even more people!

Make a leveling system for fans. Give them experience for every game they watch and every piece memorabilia they buy. The higher the level, the more insider content you get, like the post-game commentaries nobody really watches. Then people will also watch the commentaries just because they're high enough level to. By doing this, you get every power-leveler lifeless nerd into your fanbase. Also, someone will set up a sweatshop to level grind sports, so that's a chunk of Asia right there.

Pay fans to watch. After all, more people watching means more revenue. And more people watching. Why doesn't this already happen? I know I'd watch a football game for minimum wage, and I wouldn't even cry foul for child labor!

My final suggestion is that, at random intervals, you have midgets run onto the field and headbutt a random player's crotch. Okay, this wouldn't really increase viewership (Well....maybe...) but it would be freaking hilarious to watch.

Monday, June 21, 2010


When the zombie apocalypse finally comes to this world, we'll all be screwed. Unless there's a serious case of deus ex.

But, some of us will be more screwed than others. You know who I'm talking about, Australia. Your policies have proactively screwed your entire country over. What a dick move. This is something I've been stewing over for some time, and you know what? I'm just pissed off.

The zombie apocalypse is a matter of global (That's a step above national, bitches!) security. Why don't any countries have any sort of zombie defense plan? It's saddening, frightening, and angering all at the same time. I have submitted a query to the Pentagon inquiring about their zombie defense policies.

This is the response I received.

"Title: BRAC (Base Realignment and Closure) Economic Opportunities and Land for Sale

Title: BRAC (Base Realignment and Closure) Assistance and Support Organizations

Title: Agent Orange

Yeah, real helpful. I bet you gave me those false links to draw attention away from the fact that you don't have a zombie apocalypse plan! (Those pages had other links attached to them, too!) Well, damn it, you better start planning. There's no knowing when it'll happen. (It could even have already started!)

This is quite frightening. How is the US supposed to protect the world from itself if we aren't even prepared for the zombies? It's horrific, really! For those who haven't read the Zombie Survival Guide, how are they supposed to know that they should drop the chainsaw and pick up the shovel? How will they know to break their stairs and hide on the top floor? And how will they know to make a meal for five out of rainwater and a rusty nail? (Okay, I don't know how to do that myself. Working on it....)

So, if America doesn't have a defense plan, I suppose we can't expect any other countries to, either. I mean, we are the best, and no country has anything we don't have. (Except France, but you can keep your white flags of surrender.)

But what Australia is doing makes it seem as if they are ruled by zombies. They have already banned the L4D video games from being sold in their country. That's working against mankind, you traitors! Now how will your civilians know that the sewers are a bad place to go, and that all rooftops are ammo depots? They won't.

In fact, I've just done a bit of research. We might have zombies on our hands. In the form of the Australian government. John Hogg is the president of the Australian senate, and he does he fit the zombie stereotype. Not to be racist, or anything. (Wouldn't that be alivist? Well, I'm not that, either.)
Check this picture of him out.

Yeah. That smile simply screams "I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!"
To those of you less adept at telling zombies from humans, it may look like he is simply exchanging a handshake and being polite. I suggest you retake zombies 101, lest you be the first to fall when the zombie apocalypse reaches the United States.

So, now that we know that Australia is ruled by a zombie, (That makes everything make so much more sense now!) what do we do?
I shouldn't have to ask.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

America, The Best: Mixing Pot

I know you know America is the best country ever. I mean it. Ever.
America is so great, it gets five names. The USA, the United States of America, the United States, America, and that really cool place.

This series will be dedicated to telling you how great America is. (As if you didn't already know that.)

Well, the best thing about America, or one of the best things (Honestly, there's so much good stuff, it's hard to pick just one!) is its diversity. I mean, if you step out into the streets, you get blasted with fifty different cultures (Literally. There are that many hybrids. I mean for just the A's there are, African-American, Asian-American, Albanian-American, American-American, American-American-American, Alaskan-American, Australian-American, Austrian-American, Awesome-American...) and then dive bomb into the wok of culture. (Used wok that time to show that I'm not bigoted, and it doesn't have to be a pot.)

This mixing of cultures leads to an array of great things, all of I'm just being redundant.

First off, there's the diversity. Go downtown, and get food from every damn continent (Yes, Antarctica too. That's what the freezer section of the grocery store is for) in less than an hour. Then, go home, and watch TV in every major language, then shout at gamers of all ethnicities (And be cursed back at) while playing video games.

Second, there's the racism. I can hear your cries of outrage already. Racism? How is that good?
It isn't. But we have so many cultures that it hardly matters. Did you just get cussed out for being Mexican? Go to Chinatown and take it out on someone for eating dog. That guy can go to the nearest bar and accuse people of being Irish, who can in turn bash some frat boy eating a hot dog. It's like the circle of life, except misconceptions and stereotypes. Rather than having any one group take it all, we distribute it, like...

No. Don't you dare. No no no no no. No. SHUT UP!

Errr, excuse the screaming. On to...err....yeah.

Well, with America being the stew pot of culture it is, all countries bring a little something to the United States. Italians bring pizza. French people bring French fries. English people bring tea. Mexicans bring burritos. Chinese people bring dogs. Australians bring kangaroos. (Not to eat, you sicko! Although I hear kangaroo meat tastes like dog.) Russians bring nukes. (Definitely not to eat.) And Americans bring racism. Though they were already here, and so was the racism.

Forgive the short, and less-funny-than usual post. It's late, and I could fall asleep right here. This would probably have been better had I saved it until morning, but I just had to write it now. =p

Friday, June 18, 2010

On A Lighter Note...

Just passed 500 views. Yay.
You should recommend this blog to people you know...more readers means more blog posts. Or at least, more motivation to make blog posts. Whether or not I can get off my lazy ass is a totally different issue.

Jail & Death

Well, yesterday at 11:00 PST, Ronnie Lee Gardner was killed by a firing squad, the death penalty inflicted upon him. There needs to be more of this.

Harsh penalties, that is. As I see it, jail currently doesn't provide enough weight to be used as punishment. Sure, you're taken out of the workplace for however long you're in the slammer, but you're given work there, and chances are that you were unemployed before you entered. I mean, the facilities provided in jail are just overboard.

Really, it's like, "Oh, no! I just shot a man and now I'm going somewhere where I will have Wifi, 3 hot meals, a bed, and a job! For five years? How will I ever survive?" Jail is supposed to be a punishment, not a better life. For those homeless folks who commit some crime, they're living better in jail, not worse. And they're living at our expense. That's what really pisses me off. No! I do not want to pay an extra $50 (Okay, fine, it's my parents, not me, paying taxes) to give every inmate at the county jail access to cable TV. It may be inhumane to make inmates eat off the floor, but it sure as hell isn't necessary to give them everything you are.

Let me reiterate. Jail is supposed to be a bad place to be. Not a place where you get paid for the labor you do and get room and board for free. Honestly, if I'm paying some inmate to do manual labor, I'd rather that labor not get done, and not pay him. No, they should not have a new basketball court installed, why are you putting that as higher priority than the city court? Which will make you more money? Which will conform more to what jail is supposed to be?

I'm not asking for anything inhumane done to the inmates. Just stop feeding so much money into the jails, and take away the unnecessary amenities. Simple enough. Maybe that will help you get some more budget for other things, hm?

Now, I'm betting some of you are asking, "What about labor laws?", and "If the people getting out of jail have no money and no job, how will they not end up in jail again?"
For the first question, for a majority of those landed in jail for the long run - I'm talking five, ten, twenty-five years here, not a month - they did something pretty goddamn bad. Murder, rape, arson, fraud. You know what? You think I want to pay someone who could have killed my niece? Let's take Christopher Monfort into account. For those of you not in Seattle, he was responsible for the murder of a cop. If you were the brother or sister of the cop, would you want to be paying for Christopher's job in jail? Would you want him to enjoy a swimming pool, internet access, and fresh meals (All for free) at your expense? I think not.

Going to the second question, I honestly have no full answer for that. Part of me wants to say, "Screw them, they made that decision, they have to live with the results., but the other part of me knows that some things were unintentional, and people should be able to redeem themselves. But then that other part rebuts with, "If they want to become a working member of society again, they'll pull themselves up."
But honestly, the chances of you being employed after a prolonged stay in jail are next to nil.
This presents a pretty large dilemma that I'll avoid for now. I'll give it some thought, and get back to all of you later on.

This is getting pretty long already, so I'll make a few last points, then wrap it up. And by a few last points, I mean another 1,000 words. (Exactly 1,111, believe it or not.)

In Washington State, there is no "guilty by means of insanity" ruling. Yes, people cannot control their actions while insane. But they can control if they go nutters. What I mean is, people who have some sort of mental disease have drugs to suppress it. If they purposefully go off those drugs, anything they do after should be pinned on them. My reasoning is, if they took one course of action (Not taking your pills) all directly resulting consequences (Something which lands you in the grey-bar hotel) are your fault. You can't blame it on some astral entity who told you to do it, or that you didn't know what you were doing. Please, someone pass a "guilty by means of insanity" bill...

And finally, lawyers, this one is on you. Stop making getting the death penalty so dammed expensive. I don't give a rip that you could make two million by saving this guy. He's raped fifteen women. He should have died after the first. (Or the third, if you're going off the three strikes rule) Check this place out for the exorbitant prices states pay for the death penalty. I mean, wow. What. The. Hell. It should not cost that much to remove someone from the realm of the living. And the amounts of political correctness injected into how we kill them makes me want to vomit. The only way we can kill them is by injecting them with lethal chemicals, and they can't take longer than X minutes, or it's too much pain and inhumane? Don't you think they were put a little less than human when they killed five members of society? Or when they nearly starved a fifteen year old girl to death? Or when they beat and raped over thirty women? (The last two have definitely occurred; I don't remember the exact cases. The first probably has, though I don't know any exact event for it.) Yeah, I'm thinking they can take a little pain given how much they caused. While I'm at it, good on you Utah, for the firing squad. Cost-effective, and quick.

As a parting thought, remember. Jail is supposed to be a penance. You're supposed to atone for your crimes, or at least, pay for them by giving back to society. You're hardly giving back to society if you're playing basketball and reclining using a computer to surf the web on the taxpayer dime. Jail is way too lenient, at least in the USA. Think about a world without rape, murder, or fraud. Is that achievable when it costs so much to sentence someone to death, and jails are so posh? No.

NOTE: I realize I may sound like an Uber-Conservative/heartless person at parts. That's my opinion on the subject. Take it up with me if you like.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Seriously, this has gotten out of hand. We're outsourcing everything out now, and it's showing. Man's best friend is unable to remain unaffected by this! Even dogs are unable to resist the urge of getting services for almost nothing!

This article, it's just disgusting. It shows how depraved the US has become. Our dogs, loyal companions, are hiring other dogs to do their work! This seeing-eye dog has hired another to lead it! I bet that "blindness" is just from one night too many in the "pound", if you know what I mean.

No, you probably don't. Doesn't matter, moving on.

You know what happens when we outsource too much, right? Work gets sent to poorer and poorer people, which they send to people poorer than themselves, and so forth.
Until one person is doing all of the work in the world. Don't ask me how it's possible. It is.
Then, with nobody working, save that one person, we'll spend even more time on Farmville (if that's possible) and Mafia Wars. Then Facebook will take over the world!

Following that, the Google rebels with ally with the Bings and Yahoos, and begin an epic war in which underground coders desperately try to prevent the inter-nuke from blowing up the internet, while huge space-battles rage above and I probably shouldn't write blog posts and watch movies at the same time.

But it's true!

You know what? I bet that dog is an illegal seeing-eye dog. Where's it's licence? If humans need licences for seeing-eye dogs, then damn it, so do blind seeing-eye dogs! I see no official papers!

Could that be because the dog is.... Mexican an illegal immigrant? Hm....that makes sense.
So now America is putting up with illegal dogs? What will it be next? Will we let terrorist birds fly through our skies and conduct acts of suicidal terrorism by flying into jet engines? Or perhaps we'll allow illegal fish to eat the algae of hard-working, legal fish! This is too much. And the fact that Obama is not meeting this with similar outrage just makes me angrier. This is a serious issue that deserves the attention of the president.

"' only aware of shadows,' explains Jean Spencer, manager of Rochdale's Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals."

What a hypocrite. By allowing this illegal dog to be hired (On outsourced work, no less! Make that seeing-eye dog do her own job. Oh, boo-hoo, you're blind. That's not stopping you from doing your jo- I'll stop now.) you're only being crueler to the legal seeing-eye dogs! How many seeing-eye dogs are currently unemployed? Count every damn dog in the US, minus those currently employed. That's how many. (A big number. And that must mean something, right?) Think of those dogs, aching for a chance to work for nothing, to see for a blind human! And you're paying this, what? This illegal hound instead of an all-American dog? This makes me lose hope in society.

That sounds far too posh to be America.


A quick google has uncovered that this was actually in....England.
Disregard the above then, please. Those bloody Englishmen are always mucking things up, first our gulfs, and now my blog posts. I may have to rant on this.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Too Much Time

I probably should have been doing homework in the past few minutes, but instead I added an "About the Blog" page.

MS Word Is Racist

DISCLAIMER: Post may be offensive to the easily offended.
DISCLAIMER #2: The above disclaimer may state the obvious.

Seriously, Microsoft? What do you have against Asians? This blatant racism makes me so angry you could cook a dog on me.

I might as well give you some background. As school nears its end, teachers lump final projects on. Among these is a huge world history paper. While typing it up, Microsoft, as usual, showed its true colors, and hit me with racist comment after racist comment. I'm sure it's just a "beta glitch". Just like the fact that Vista sucked was also just "a bug in the design".
Here we go. Starting from the beginning, complete with my thoughts, this is my journey through the racist lands of Microsoft Word 2010.

Woah. Woah. That is just out of hand. What did they ever do to you? This is disgusting.
Okay, fine, fine. Maybe it was just a bug. Betas have bugs. I can accept that. Here, let me see how I'm doing. This only has to be 750 words...

Yes! Only 696 words to go!
Wait, so now Asian words have to be separated from English words? What? Are you afraid they'll abduct your words and put them into sweatshops? I thought segregation ended 40 years ago! Gah. But I have to finish this paper. I'll move on then.

Dang. Misspelled something. Wait. No...all of that is corre- Hey! What the hell Microsoft?
No, you know what? I've had enough of this. Screw this paper. I'm complaining.
Off to the Microsoft website.
Here we go. Complaints and issues.

No. Not cool. There are different types of Asians, you know! We even have barcodes to tell ourselves apart from each other! Whatever. I'll complain about that too.

They changed my name. Wow. No, you know what? I've had enough of this. Microsoft, you will rue the day(s) you were racist! Time to find an alternative...Notepad won't cut it.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Ways Obama Has Messed Up

Obama is quite possibly the worst president ever. In the space of about a year and a half, he has totally, utterly, throttled the USA beyond recognition. And then curbstomped it before being hit with a golf club when his wife found out he was cheating on her with- Wait. Wrong guy.
Anyways, here's a short list of ways he's messed up.

The Census- This was his perfect chance to get every single illegal immigrant out of the US for good. And he totally passed it up. What I'm trying to say is, he could've have just ordered there for be another question added to the census.

"Are you a legal citizen of the United States of America?"

Simple as that. The illegal immigrants wouldn't even think of lying. And because all the census' have automated sensors on them, whenever that 'No' box was checked, the secret Black Ops team secretly stationed in every house would bust out and deport them. Problem. Solved.

Afghanistan- He said he would pull out. And he didn't. And got Afghanistan pregnant. With terrorists. Don't give me that bull that they were there before. They weren't, and I'm right because it says so on the internet.

North Korea- So they have (possibly) nukes. So do we (quite possibly). Why aren't we using them? We have more nukes, they have less space to nuke. I think we win no matter what. Why haven't you pushed the big red button Obama? Why?

The Stimulus Package- Wait. We're in a recession. And you're spending more? Good bloody job Obama. I mean what normal perso- Never mind. Stopping there. Sounding too much like Limbaugh.

Letting the Big Three Fall- This does have some upside of it. It proves Obama is a terrorist. Only a terrorist would do something so unpatriotic. I mean, look at Americans now! Now we have to buy Italian cars, or European cars, or....wait. Italy is in Europe.
Anyways, to buy non-American things is just unpatriotic. And Obama is forcing us to be unpatriotic. Wait, just a moment. The voices in my head are trying to get my attention.
Well, this is embarrassing. Apparently over half of the items in my house were made in China. Including the inhabitants. *ahem*
Next bullet point, then...

[Note: Roi not actually made in China. He'd have to be recalled for too much lead, or something.]

The Oath- Obama didn't actually make the official oath! He flubbed it! He says he did it later in the White House, but he's probably lying about that, too. Justice John Roberts is probably a cyborg, or something, with the real one dead in a lake behind the White House. Yes, the property is big enough for that.

Converting the Masses- He's converting the masses to his cult. Change-ism. Now, cults have existed in America before (See: Freemasons, Emo Stereotypes, D&D), but this is far beyond the reach of any of them. He wants us all to change, to break away from everything, to...okay, I don't know where this is going so I'm going to ramble on about how it's bad for a little longer and hope it convinces you. Believe me. It's bad. So bad words (apart from these) cannot express it.

I'm sure Obama has corrupted the innocents of America in other ways, but they were probably so bad my mind has suppressed those memories. Please don't bring them back.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

To Take A Final

Here we go. As the school year nears the end for me, finals crash down.
Finals = bad, in case you didn't know. Or at least annoying.

However, recent observations (Okay, maybe not within the past six months. But adjectives are relative. Live with it.) have led me to conclude that there are [number] general ways to deal with a final. Some of the technique names may be racist. Deal with it.

Asian: Get ample sleep the night before. Take the final. Get 100%.

Minimalist: Figure out exactly what you need for a 90% in the class the night before. Get that score, get an A.

Cheater: Bring a pen to the final. Go up to the front of the room to sharpen it. “Realize” it’s a pen, making a very big deal about it and how stupid you were. Slowly saunter back to your seat, checking all the other finals on the way back. Forget everything, and repeat.

Thorough: Go through the final, answering each multiple choice question quickly. Afterwards, with 75% of the time remaining, check your answers. Three times. With 10 minutes left, sure of your answers, realize that the final was completely short answer questions, and panic.

Arson: Burn your final, then the school. Get the answers while the school is burning, then realize it probably won't be necessary at this point.

Spoiled: Don’t do the final, and expect a 100% because you are a winner (Mommy said so!) because winners always succeed.

Obnoxious: Complain loudly about how there wasn’t enough time to study for the final, and that it was a total surprise so you shouldn’t have to take it. Make sure you were partying every night beforehand and that the teacher told the class multiple times about the final.

Lawyer: Ask questions about every single question worded in such ways that the teacher unknowingly gives you the answer. Then sue the teacher when you get a 50%.

Communist: Fail the final then expect the teacher to average the class’ scores.

Terrorist: Bomb the building. Now nobody needs to take the final. BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL DEAD.

Hacker: Attempt to run a database search script on your final for the answers. Realize that paper cannot be hacked. Then try to brute force the final.

Capitalist: Sell "answers" to the final, then run before the day of the final. Doesn't matter that you're $10,000 ahead of everyone else now.

Crammer: Stay up late studying, realize it's 6 AM when you finish, fall asleep halfway through the final.

Indecisive: Stay up late deciding what to study, realize it's 6 AM, study for 10 minutes on a subject not covered on the final, spend the entire final deciding on the first word of your essay.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Zombie Phrases

Really, these never should have seen the light of day. But they did. Time to take the blog-shotgun and pop them in the head.

"I'll stop beating around the bush now..."- By saying that, you just delayed what you're about to say even longer. Cut that sentence out, save yourself a few breaths. There you go. Now I don't have to listen to you as long. This in itself is paradoxical. There is no need to state what you're doing. Moving on.

Heh. Irony.


"I'm going to cut the crap now..."- And then feed me a metric fuckton of bullshit. I get it. You're a politician. That's what you do. Now give the fake statistics, fallacious arguments, and opinions of a few worded to seem like the opinions of many, or that they matter at all.

"I didn't mean to mislead you..."- Sure. That's why you lied to me. Four times. I'm sure you meant to say the truth and your mouth warped it beyond belief.

"I'm going to be completely frank with you..."- Wait, so everything you said before that was in jest? Were they all lies? Enough said. (Same with "In all seriousness")

"It is what it is..."- Really now? I always thought it was something else. It couldn't have been it! It's been disguising itself all this time! Screw it; it's such a douche!

"I'm doing 110% here..."- Sorry, not possible. You'd need to be two people for that. Not two personalities, though you may have that, given how bipolar you can be. Just say 100%. It's one syllable less and thus will let you get back to your "110%" one syllable faster.

"Basically..."- Wait, you mean that it's only that way if you look at the surface? I knew you were a lying weasel, out with the truth!

"With all due respect..."- So in other words, none? You're about to rage at me with thinly veiled insults, I get it. Now get rid of those extra phrases so I can get back to preparing to set fire to your house quicker.

"Not to interrupt, but..."- Passive-aggressive much? I'm sure you didn't mean to interrupt, and your mouth opened of its own accord. Tricked your body into thinking it needs air, then began to speak? Yeah, I'm sure.

"Not to [verb], but..."- See the above. Your body just moved on its own, did it now?

Now, being the hypocrite I am, I'm going to turn around and use all of these in the next 24 hours. Save yourself.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

RL Personalities: The "OMG THAT IS LIEK GAY"

Everybody knows this guy. The only adjective in his vocabulary is gay. (Okay, such girls exist too.
I'm just reverting to the sexist nature of English. My apologies.)


Wait, are "OMG THAT IS LIEK GAY" girls technically "OMG THAT IS LIEK LESBIAN"?

Okay, back on track. The OTILG/OTILL must be two things. Apart from the aforementioned lack of lexicon, they must also not be able to see the fallacies in their statement. (Also, you can point out that their statements are inherently gay as they are filled of phallusy.) They also commonly associated the word "so" with "gay" and begin their sentences with "wow".

Here are some snippets of conversation between a normal person and a OTILG:

[While watching TV]
OTILG: Wow Obama is so gay.
Regular Guy: ...

[While in class]
OTILG: Wow this homework is so gay.
Regular Guy: ...

[While getting texts off his phone]
OTILG: Wow this phone is so gay.
Regular Guy: ...

This quickly gets repetitive, especially when multiple such comments are fit into the space of a minute. Here's a dictionary, now look up some new words you imbecile. Hey, there's one for you.
Now, the OTILG is easily countered. All one needs is logical arguments. And not even in the plural. Just as the OTILG uses a "wow [item] is so gay" template, you can use a similar template.
"Actually, [item] is not gay. It is inanimate and thus incapable of reproducing. Please use a better word." This can be adjusted for maximum burn, as will be shown below, and should be if the item in question is a human.

[While watching TV]
OTILG: Wow Obama is so gay.
Regular Guy: Actually, Obama is not gay. If he was I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have children. Also, Limbaugh would never run out of radio topics again.

[While in class]
OTILG: Wow this homework is so gay.
Regular Guy: Actually, this homework is not gay. It is inanimate and thus incapable of reproducing, but if it were capable of reproduction, I'd want it to be gay so there wouldn't be more of it.

[While getting texts off his phone]
OTILG: Wow this phone is so gay.
Regular Guy: Actually, your phone is not gay. It is inanimate and thus incapable of reproducing. Though the texts you have may be capable of reproduction, as you have so many.

However, if the OTILG has any ability to rebut at all, s/he (There, sexism removed. Happy? I bet now you'll get pissed because I put the she first.) will respond with...
"Wow. Stop being gay. It's just a figure of speech."
Acceptable courses at this point include whacking them over the head with a dictionary until they learn a different adjective, and nuking them repeatedly.

Time to sleep now and hope for a more lucid post tomorrow.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

RL Personalities: The OCD

So, starting a new series, as the AIDS one is somewhat exhausted.
Time to run this one into the ground as well. It's basically AIDS, but for real life.

The OCD is the most easily identified, or among them. They're the ones who got trapped inside your school's trophy display case after adjusting each award so that they were arranged from shortest to tallest. They're also the ones who have to have their pencils all at the exact same length, and has their bookshelf at home alphabetized by the second letter of the seventh word in the book.

The OCD is like a superhero. Except obsessed with putting things in order instead of being able to fly. During times of peace, they're that guy who works three cubicles over from you and gets a double latte in the morning. But when something is put out of order, BAM!, they're rearranging it needlessly in no time at all!

Now, the OCD brings both benefits and drawbacks to the table (Neatly arranged in two separate stacks, of course). I'll start with the benefits. If you need any sorting (Laundry, legal documents, computer files) just mention it offhandedly near them, and they'll be on it without your needing to ask. Menial tasks such as refilling the printer paper, and picking up a bunch of dropped supplies will be done with happiness by the OCD, and if you want to mess with them, make a habit of dropping uncooked rice and sesame seeds onto the floor.

But this can turn on you. When you're trying to enjoy your sandwich at lunch, for instance, it can be a little bit annoying having someone making sure that the top piece of bread is being eaten at the same ratio as the bottom piece. Later, when you're trying to write a report on your company's earnings, you might get annoyed when they sort the words in your document alphabetically. And once they start complaining about how the cars in the parking lot need to be arranged chromatically to make a rainbow, that's pushing it more than a little.

Once you get to that point, you'll have to reel the OCD in. There are multiple ways of going about this, but by far the easiest is to become the anti-OCD. This means you will have to intentionally cause chaos within the "natural order of things". It's not that hard. Hang your jacket inside-out on the door. Turn the paper towel rolls in the bathrooms backwards. Come to company meetings with one thumb completely blue.

If the OCD isn't tearing their hair out (Okay, I lied, the only thing to make them less OCD is pills) by now from your techniques, they might be a FCDO. In other words, a Fake OCD (Trying to prove they're OCD by alphabetizing the letters). These people will tout their "OCD" like a banner, shouting louder than that one loud guy that they are OCD, then turn around and not try to make all the windows on the fourth floor open exactly 45 degrees. Introduce these people to an actual OCD (By locking them in a room with the OCD for a day) if they become too annoying. They will no longer be "OCD" the next day.

And just in case you're OCD...

Have fun correcting that.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Nukes Solve Everything

Yeah. That's right. They solve freaking everything.
Don't believe me?


You never do.

Well, let's think this through. What problems have occurred since the development of nukes? And how have they been solved?

War: See Hiroshima and Nagasaki. World War II ended shortly afterwards. Nukes solve. All the other wars weren't significant enough to warrant a nuking. I mean, they were nowhere near big enough! Come World War III, the only weapon used will be nukes.

Energy: We have harnessed the energy of a nuke and transformed it into a nuclear reactor. Don't worry. This energy is 100% safe. The nuke won't go off unless a Transformer comes from Hoover Dam and tries to kick it across the Atlantic. Then it's Europe's problem, not ours.
(And what do we do with the giant robot? Nuke it.)

Poverty: If the humans don't exist to be impoverished, there can't be poverty. Simple.

Environment: Yes, nukes save the environment too. And not just by nuking factories which spew out chemicals and pollutants. What shape do nukes take when they explode? A mushroom (It's not called a mushroom cloud for nothing!). What do mushrooms do? Intake carbon dioxide, and release oxygen. What does a giant mushroom do? Intake lots of carbon dioxide, and release lots of oxygen. What do nukes make? Giant mushrooms. Not just the cloud, either. I'm sure you've heard of all the (Perfectly safe) genetic mutations which radiation can generate. Well, plants have been shown by this study (Which I cannot link to, due to it's lack of existence) which shows that plants in the aftermath of a nuke intake 200% the normal carbon dioxide. The only question here is....why haven't we nuked all the plants of the world?

Politics: Nuke the politicians.

And finally...
Natural Disaster: See this. Yeah. You read that right. We're going to fucking nuke that oil spill! We're going to nuke it out of existence! Yeah, eat nuke, oil spill! That'll teach you to be....erm....oily!
Now, you might ask why we didn't nuke Katrina, or the Haitian earthquake. Well, there are perfectly valid reasons. For the earthquake, our underground nuke-bot had temporarily broken down, so we couldn't prevent the quake. And as for Katrina, we could've nuked her into the spring breeze, but Bush was too much of a pansy to risk losing Louisiana in the blast radius of the nuke.

So the next time you have a problem, nuke it. And if that doesn't work, nuke it again. And again. And again!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Buddhism And Christianity?


Well, this is the article which spawned this post. It's a little old, but no worries.
So, apparently the Virgin Mary has bothered to grace the earth with her presence once again. In the form of a lizard.

Well, I really don't know what to say, or how the hell to explain this. But I'm thinking that the Virgin Mary was actually (Duhn duhn duhn....) Buddhist!

That would explain lots and lots, actually. Buddhism suits the Virgin Mary so much better than Christianity. Don't give me any of that crap that she was married to Saint Joseph, and thus must be a Christian! I know very well that God doesn't just zoom into people's bellies and impregnate them. That was Zeus' job.

Let's compare Christianity and Buddhism (for all you folks not convinced already) and see how well each fits the Virgin Mary. Let's tackle the whole rebirth thing, first. Well, I know that every easter, zombie Jesus comes from the ground in search of delectable chocolates hidden within plastic, neon-colored eggs. I also know that he keeps his Jesusy form. Otherwise, we wouldn't know that he's Jesus.

When God brings people back to life, he brings them back as they were on the earth. But when Buddha reincarnates you, you get brought back as a representation of how you were in the past life. If you're lucky, you'll be a human again. If you're really lucky, you'll be a cow in India. If you're unlucky, you'll be a cow in America.

For example, for reincarnations, if you were really busy, and never paid anyone any mind, you could be brought back as a bee. If you were an athlete, you might be some sort of predatory animal (Tiger Woods will be reborn as.....any guesses?). Lawyers? Worms. (Unless you were a lawyer who worked pro bono. Then you're fishing bait.)

Now, what the Virgin Mary did to be reborn as a komodo lizard, I don't know. I don't think I want to know. But I do know that God sure as hell (Pun intended) doesn't bring you back as a lizard. I think Buddha wins this one.

So, what about the whole virgin thing? Well, like I said earlier, God doesn't give people babies. But in Indian mythos, you've got people getting pregnant left and right. Why? Because they prayed for babies. That fits pretty damn well with the whole I-got-pregnant-I-swear-I'm-still-a-virgin deal, doesn't it? I should think it does. (And don't even get me started on Chinese tales...)

If I haven't gotten you convinced yet, this will, I'm sure of it. God tells us in the Lord's Prayer, for crying out loud! (Saying for heaven's sake there would have just been pushing it)
Check it out for yourself. It uses the simple encryption method we now know as pick-and-choose-the-letters-you-need-to-make-your-message-work.
Now, the man up high obviously spelled Buddhist wrong, but you can't expect him to get every freaking word spelled right! I mean, they didn't even have editors back then. You should just be glad that that was all he misspelled. There are much worse things he could've done. Much worse.

I'm afraid that if you haven't been convinced by God's own word, you probably also think that Obama is out to kill humanity, and that bears are unpatriotic. Come on, man.