Saturday, August 7, 2010

Heavenly Corporation

Religion plays an undeniably huge part in today's world. And just like corporations, the gods of every religion are vying for more supporters. Here are some of the records from past advisory sessions for various religions.

Let's start off with Christianity, shall we?

Statistics Saint: Heaven acceptance numbers are down 6.66% sir!

God: Oh for my sake, Lucifer's acting up again. Send someone to him to see what he needs now. He already gets all the hot babes and rich bastards. What more does he need?

Public Relations Saint: Well, sir, we also think that might be part of the problem. If you're good, and don't have sex, and don't sin in general, you go to Heaven.

God: That's not a problem! Heaven is great!

Public Relations Saint: *shakes head* No, sir, you see, in Heaven, there is even more of not having sex, and even more rigidness. I mean, for your sake, there's only shriveled nuns here! Like you said, all the hot babes are in Hell!

God: Okay, so we're a little too uptight about that. But I mean, why else wouldn't someone want to go to Heaven? I mean, it's Heaven!

Vacation Analyst Saint: Well, there's also the weather. In Hell, you've got 24/7 amazing sun and vacation weather. It's like a vacation every day, and you can get a tan just by stepping outside! Whereas Heaven is cloudy and grey. Everyone here is pasty white, and the only people that don't mind are the gingers!

God: *grumbles* Oh, alright. So the place could use some sun every once in a while. I'll see if I can't work out a deal with Ra or Helios. I'm just lucky there are two of them. They better not have a trust. What other news is there?

Public Relations Saint: Well, our studies on afterlife benefit preferences are in, and....

God: And?

Public Relations Saint: We figured out why our conversion numbers our down-

Statistics Saint: By exactly 14.3% sir, as you can see on this chart here with the pretty purple line going-

Public Relations Saint: Yes, yes, we get it. But we now think we know why these numbers are down.

Interrupting Shtick Saint: That's what she said!

God: Wait, what? That doesn't make sense. Why are you even here?

Interrupting Shtick Saint: Part of the employee morale boosting program sir. Apparently the grey clouds and stuff are making people depressed.

God: Okay, we've been over that already. Continue with the study findings please.

Public Relations Saint: When you look at other religions, we don't really offer much. Our happy afterlife benefits give eternal life and, well, that's about it. You remain at the age where you died, and for most people, that's as a nearly incapacitated 90-something.

God: So? They live forever!

Norse Ambassador Saint: Well, do you remember Valhalla?

God: Oh, yeah. That was a failed religion. It's dead now, isn't it?

Norse Ambassador Saint: In their time, they attracted lots of followers with the living at the prime of your life thing, and the rebirths at the end of the day. And the drinking and chicks that would follow you around.

God: Your point? The religion is dead!

Interrupting Shtick Saint: So is disco!

Public Relations Saint: What I think he's getting at is that if we instated those policies, we could pull all those nerdy D&D playing-cultists away from their satanic game and save their souls. What nerd wouldn't want to be followed by a bunch of girls all day long?

God: ...Meeting adjourned. We've got some policies to instate.

Afterward: Wow, writing this without using "For Christ's sake!", "Jesus!", "Geez!", or other exclamations in that vein (as well as swearing, since God doesn't swear) was hellish, pardon the pun. I'll probably pick this up at some point in the future. Either that, or forget it completely as I start up a slew of new series to work on. This could've been written much better I feel, as a monologue rather than a dialog. Like God looking at how he messed up Heaven. Ah well.

For all the religimaniacs out there (Yes! Another new word!) no, I'm not dissing Christianity. Learn to laugh at yourself once in a while. It's a good habit.

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