Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Resolutions

RESOLVED: That I will substantially increase my time spent on debate. I reserve the right to clarify.

I had a few more, but none that I could turn into jokes. They involved getting more muscle, getting better grades, making more/better blog posts and spending less time gaming. Boring stuff.

No pulling topicality - I've got my 2A answers right here.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Cruelty of Authors

Authors are cruel, cruel people. Whenever they sit down to write, they create characters in what could be ideal situations. They give imaginary people a bright future, and conjure friends, family, and lovers for them. Then they take it all away. Maybe piece by piece, maybe all at once. It is undeniably cruel to be so callous as to deny your own creations happiness. But this is exactly what authors do. Even those writing biographies for real people insist on bringing out the pain and struggle of their lives, to make the readers struggle as well, to imagine what hardship this person went through. Why, why would authors do such a thing?

They have to.

Consider this. John was a happy man. He married his high school sweetheart, and lived a long life. He had two kids, who both grew up to be successful in the world, and died peacefully.

My oh my, that was terribly interesting, wasn't it? I could just read on and on about how enjoyable and happy John's life was. I'd love to read a 500 page novel about this, and of course I'd like to pay $25 to be offered the chance to read about how perfectly wonderful John's life was!

Okay, not really. The stories that captivate people, that suck us in and force us to read them again and again are the ones with problems. They're the ones that make us ask "What happened next?" even when the story doesn't have any impact on our life at all. They're the ones with strife, where bad things happen to good people for no good reason at all.

Try this. John had been employed for most of his working life as a Secret Service agent, specifically a bodyguard for the president. He loves his job, but his sweetheart, a sweet French girl living in Los Angeles, can't marry him or he'll lose his job. As he struggles between helping his country and pursuing his dreams, terrorists set off bombs in multiple cities around the USA, one of which is Los Angeles.

Okay, so it still isn't the best story, but it probably was more enticing than the one before. Perhaps it got you asking why he couldn't marry his sweetheart? (See the Yankee White status required of people working with the President) But why do all of these things have to happen to him? Why can't he just marry and live a happy life? Why do terrorists have to screw everything up?

Terrorists ruin EVERYTHING

The crux of this all really lies in why people enjoy reading about struggle. Perhaps it is so they can say, "Hey, this person went through tougher times than I, and he survived! I can survive, too!" or perhaps they can relate to the person, "This person knows what it's like to be in my position." Some sadists might just laugh - "Haha, this guy is suffering LOL" But a story isn't a story without problems.

But overall, I believe the reason people read stories is because they love heroes. The idea of the good guy has been romanticized in popular culture - he always pulls through and/or gets the girl and/or survives the zombies and/or defeats his evil father in an epic space battle. Movies are stories too! And really, who wouldn't want to be the stereotypical hero, or a hero at all?

Authors are real dicks. They hurt their own creations, then publicize them for the world to grimace, sympathize, and/or laugh at. But it's all in the name of a good story, and without the callousness to inflict pain on one's own creations, our stories and movies would be pretty damn vanilla. It's pretty hard to be cruel, too. We grow up being told not be be cruel, that it's bad to do bad things to people (or at least, people who don't deserve it!) and then those who want to write novels or screenplays find they have to be cruel. Hurting your own character, or denying them something is like kicking a puppy - it sucks, and most people aren't capable of it, which is one reason why not everyone is a novelist or a screenplay writer. Next time you meet an author, thank them for their sacrifice!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Lack of Postage

I'm real good at this whole keeping-up-with posts thing. Parody turned out crappy, so I scrapped it, and will (maybe) have an essay up tomorrow. Argh.

Also, you guys should check post tags every so often.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Obama Is At It Again

Okay, for Christ's sake, Obama, what the Hell?

Obama is standing solid on the fact that the trees in the White House are not Christmas trees, but rather "Holiday Trees". What a wimp. We know America is a Christian nation! It was founded on Christianity, for Christ's sake! Don't be afraid to flaunt it. You're Christian. The USA is Christian nation. A majority of the population of the USA is Christian. What will those atheists do if they get offended? Pray at you? Oh wait, they can't! Because they don't believe in God!

Spread the word! Let America know who we elected! A coward, with no pride in his own religion, denying America's religious history!


Did I get the imitation of the uber-Conservative fuzzy-on-the-facts Christian right?

Merry commercialized-to-the-point-of-little-religious-value day (or Christmas, if you insist on calling it that) to all! Expect a parody tomorrow!

Friday, December 24, 2010

End Of The World!

Well, I missed 12/21/10, but today is a good enough substitute. Two years (minus three days) from now, the world will be ending, so say the most pessimistic about 12/21/12. The more optimistic think it will just be a change in perspective, and as for those who don't give a rat's ass? They don't give a rat's ass.

Below are some possible "End of the world" scenarios which may occur on the fateful day. These ones are the ones that might actually happen. None of this alien or nuclear war B.S.

Scenario #1 - Palin gains lead on Obama: For all those assembled here, raise your hand if Palin being elected would mean the end of the world.


There we go. How would this play out? Let's see...

Scenario #2 - The Hobbit is a flop: The Hobbit (Part 2) is scheduled to be released December 2012. However, once the movie is released, it will become obvious that the over $500 million in production costs were laundered away, the entire world of LOTR nerds will spontaneously commit suicide. While each one will become an hero for the world, the internet will become bereft of users (save Facebook) and from the resulting wastes....[insert opening for awesome film here.]

Scenario #3 - Byte inversion: North Korea will grow to a world power, trading in nukes for huge statues of King Jong Il, which are actually disguised transmitters. Replicating China's internet trafficking accident earlier this year, the statues will take in 100% of the internet's traffic, and send viruses to every computer. The viruses will invert the bytes, turning 1's to 0's and 0's to 1's. Windows will become Macs. Chrome will turn into IE5. sys32 will become trollface.jpg. Sarah Palin will turn into someone smart. Wait, never mind, she's not a computer.

Scenario #4 - Explosion of the Earth: Hey guys, guess what? The world is going to explode for no reason at all on December 21st, 2012, except for the fact that it's 12/21/12! Exactly a minute after everyone thinks the world isn't going to blow up!

Better post to come tomorrow, hopefully.

Monday, December 20, 2010


The woman, only known as SM (unfortunate initials, yes) in this article has no amygdala in her brain. The amygdala are a set of nuclei in the brain in charge of processing emotional reactions. One of their main functions is to inspire fear, or rather, to point out to other parts of the brain what should be feared, like wolves. When the amygdala is missing, this function is also missing. Thus not having an amygdala results in the inability to feel fear.

Some may view this as a disability, to be sure. The article states:

But while this behavior is relatively benign, the researchers also found that SM put her life at risk. In one instance, she walked through a park alone at night and was attacked by a man with a knife.
“The following day, she again walked through the same park,” Mr. Feinstein said.
In the same way, one might not be afraid of burns, terrorists, or green human-sized exploding-thingies. All of these people fear rationally; it's a downside to not having an amygdala.

But I think SM is a pretty cool guy. eh has no amygdala and doesn't afraid of anything. The lack of fear can certainly be a very good thing.

For instance, if we could make the amygdala something that could be turned on and off, America's next army of super soldiers might not even have to be robots controlled by morbidly obese gamers! They could just be normal amygdala-less people, charging in and blasting everything. There's no way that that could go wrong.

I had some other upsides, but I lost them along the way. I swear.

So let's move on to the personal aspects of the thing. No need to think too far ahead into the future.

First, SM has no loss aversion (theoretically). Loss aversion is a huge irrationality which affects almost all peoples. People tend to avoid losses as much as they can, even when it's small enough to have impact, or the aversion is irrational. Of course, it makes sense to avoid losing a few million, but avoiding the loss of a few dollars by holding stock where one stands to lose so much more rather than shorting (as in a company which one holds stock in nearing bankruptcy) is irrational. Not wanting to be late to a meeting, and thus cutting a red light is also irrational, and also a result of loss aversion. These are the sorts of scenarios that people face every day, which we could rationally decide on if it weren't for the amygdala.

Second, SM isn't subject to those pesky fear effects in all those video games. You know, those ones that prevent you from moving while the boss comes in to bite your head off? Yeah. That fear. SM would beast at those games.

Third, SM can say Candlejack all she wants and

Friday, December 10, 2010

Take Me Out Of The Theatre...

Another song parody awaits: this one is a parody of "Take Me Out To The Ball Game".

Adolf Hitler was Nazi mad.
Wanted Europe, wanted it bad;
Just to slay gypsies and Jews
Benito, Hitler knew.
On a Friday, his whole gang
Marched to Poland with a bang,
To see the Poles when the Allies said,
"No, we're declaring war on you."

"Take me out of the theatre,
Take me out with some bombs.
Buy me some Panzers and Tiger Tanks,
I don't care about any of my flanks.
Let me blitz, blitz, blitz Mother Russia,
If we don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three Reichs, you're done
while the Yanks invade!"

Heinrich Himmler made all the calls,
Killed himself before his fall;
Told the Fuhrer he was right,
All along, good and strong.
At the end of World War Two,
Heinrich Himmler knew what to do,
Took cyanide and chewed,
Did as Hitler, went along.

"Take me out of the theatre,
Take me out with some bombs.
Buy me some Panzers and Tiger Tanks,
I don't care about any of my flanks.
Let me blitz, blitz, blitz Mother Russia,
If we don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three Reichs, you're done
while the Yanks invade!"

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Facebook Profile #2 - Unprotected Browser

Okay, this guy has serious security issues. He's had people break into his account twice in the past month, and his wall looks something like this:

Yeah, that looks about right. Nobody's really sure what he does to make his account so insecure, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that his default password is "123456789". Good job, you can count to 9. Probably higher than the Friend Freak.

This guy could really use some antivirus, and common sense, too. But I guess he wasn't raised to have much common sense - common sense is something you learn from your parents and peers. And no parent with any common sense would name their kid LOLIMSTUPID. Especially not all caps.

Go away, Miss I Can't Type. You're up next, don't get ahead of yourself.
Okay, that's it. Nothing more until tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Facebook Profile #1 - The Friend Freak

Hurray! Another series of posts that will never see its end! This set is dedicated to the types of people you see on Facebook, and each is written from their (theoretical) point of view. Not much to say apart from that; these will be relatively short posts as I seem to have less time than I feel like I should have...

Hey you! Am I your friend? If I'm not, I am now.

Yeah, I have waaaaaay more friends than you could ever hope to have. I even have more friends than your entire social network combined. And not just because you only have three friends, apart from me. I mean, take a look. See that number? Yeah, it's big. More than I can count, and I can count pretty high, I'll have you know!

What do you mean, I can't possibly know them all? I'm offended! Of course I know them all! Like this guy, he's my best friend. And that guy? He's my best friend....too. I can have two best friends!

And this girl, I met her at a party last week. Or was she the one from the subway? Maybe I met her while calling random numbers because I had nothing better to do. Well, she's one of those, and you can't claim I don't know her! Look, I'll ask her now!

Friend Freak: hey

Party/Subway/Phone Girl: who are you creep??

Friend Freak: um, don't you know me? you're on my friends list lol

Party/Subway/Phone Girl: no i don't know you. and im not on your friends list anymore.

Nooooooo! She just unfriended me! Why? Why?
I....need you to go away, please. This is a pretty big loss. I might need some alone time.

But by go away, I just mean leave the room. Don't unfriend me!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Mobs in the Workplace

As the title. Following is a list of mobs, and their corresponding workplace doubles, each with an explanation as to why they are. Hopefully even those of you not on Minecrack will be able to follow along.


The zombie is that one guy you see when you stay late, on the other side of the workplace. You're not quite sure what he does, or why he's employed. He seems to be very industrious, always typing away at something. You've approached him once. It didn't turn out well - he groaned a little, and then was on his way, leaving you to stand there awkwardly as you decided whether or not to pursue that line of inquiry. Probably better not to.

What does he do all day, anyways? He's always curiously absent during the day time. Perhaps he works the night shift. You should ask, then get a grunt translator. It's a tough language to learn.


You don't know this guy well, either. Maybe even less than the zombie. He's got the night shift too, probably. Well, regardless, he could definitely use a little more skin on his bones. He should consider eating. Maybe he's anorexic?

You've heard he's a blast at parties though. He must be; people always wind up getting hurt after he appears. Maybe it has to do with that bow he always carries around. He probably does archery on the weekends, or something. Indoors. Geez, he's paler than the zombie!


This guy has a real temper on him. You can hear his shouts daily in the workplace. And there was that one time, when you asked him what he did in the workplace, and he exploded (figuratively, of course!). You're not doing that again. But it's weird, almost as if he comes here to shout at people. Why else would he spend all day skipping around?


You've only noticed this guy in the office in early hours of the morning. Early in the morning during those dangerous hallucination periods, when your coffee cup becomes a telephone, your computer becomes a bomb, and this guy becomes delicious looking. Look at the fat on him, he'd sizzle nicely on this grill you have right next to- Wait, never mind. That's your stapler. No, that's your STAPLER. What are you doing? No, no, no! Yes, that's a knife, where are you going? Stop chasing him!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Party of Hell Yeah!

Whoooo! Yeah! Go Republicans! Way to uphold your long-standing themes of receptivity and knowing what's best for the American people! You did your best to save us from those death panels, but sadly, it wasn't enough. But this is you fighting back! Hell yeah!

The Republicans of the Senate released a letter on November 29th, which I wholeheartedly support in its undying glory, and true assertion of the just Republican stance.

The letter itself is filled with jargon, and generally made hard to understand, so I've copied it here, with translations for sections in red (in common slang, of course).

Dear Leader Reid, Sup Harry Reid, mah homie!

The nation’s unemployment level, stuck near 10 percent, is unacceptable to Americans.  1 in 10 Americans are unemployed, and it sucks, man! Senate Republicans have been urging Congress to make private-sector job creation a priority all year.  We been tellin' y'all to do something about it. President Obama in his first speech after the November election said “we owe” it to the American people to “focus on those issues that affect their jobs.”  Look! Even mah homie Obama said so! He went on to say that Americans “want jobs to come back faster.” Americans want jobs faster. Our constituents have repeatedly asked us to focus on creating an environment for private-sector job growth; it is time that our constituents’ priorities become the Senate’s priorities. So we be listenin' to them, and what they want is what we want!

--Note-- Changed from ghetto vernacular to satire here. Too damn hard to write in that vernacular for the following sections.

For that reason, we write to inform you that we will not agree to invoke cloture on the motion to proceed to any legislative item until the Senate has acted to fund the government and we have prevented the tax increase that is currently awaiting all American taxpayers.  This is so important that we're not going let anything else pass Senate until you guys stop pushing the tax increase that we're hyping to make it seem like we don't have personal interests in these matters. With little time left in this Congressional session, legislative scheduling should be focused on these critical priorities.  To legitimize this, so it doesn't look like blackmail: there's not much time left in this session, so we need to focus on important things, like taxes, not DADT, the Dream Act, START, or education funding - that stuff isn't important at all! While there are other items that might ultimately be worthy of the Senate's attention, we cannot agree to prioritize any matters above the critical issues of funding the government and preventing a job-killing tax hike. We take that stuff back; it's important, just not more important than tax increases that might threaten me buying my second house in the Florida Keys.

Given our struggling economy, preventing the tax increase and providing economic certainty should be our top priority.  Hey, I'm going to sneak in another important thing in here - preventing added taxes AND helping the economy are what we want. Without Congressional action by December 31, all American taxpayers will be hit by an increase in their individual income-tax rates and investment income through the capital gains and dividend rates.  Everybody is going to have taxes increased if we don't act before 2011 - but the wealthy especially. If Congress were to adopt the President’s tax proposal to prevent the tax increase for only some Americans, small businesses would be targeted with a job-killing tax increase at the worst possible time.  Here's our tired small business argument; please don't refute it. Specifically, more than 750,000 small businesses will see a tax increase, which will affect 50 percent of small-business income and nearly 25 percent of the entire workforce.  And here's some statistics to make it harder to refute; please don't point out we don't have a source for these statistics. The death tax rate will also climb from zero percent to 55 percent, which makes it the top concern for America’s small businesses.  Hey, remember those death panels? DEATH TAX! Republicans and Democrats agree that small businesses create most new jobs, so we ought to be able to agree that raising taxes on small businesses is the wrong remedy in this economy.  Hey look, we're being bipartisan, so you Dems should vote to extend the taxes as well! Finally, Congress still needs to act on the “tax extenders” and the alternative minimum tax “patch,” all of which expired on December 31, 2009. Congress needs to do something about these Bush-era taxes, or else they'll expire and this horrible stuff is going to happen.

We look forward to continuing to work with you in a constructive manner to keep the government operating and provide the nation’s small businesses with economic certainty that the job-killing tax hike will be prevented. We look forward to being the party of no in the future to prevent society from changing because we like our meager tax rates as is.



Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Song Parody: Love Song/Program

Right, so way back in November, I made a post about posting daily in December. That's what I'll be doing, or at the very least, trying my best to do. In days where I don't have that much time, I'll post up something simple, like lyrics for a song parody, or something like that. To sate my paranoia, all this stuff is copyrighted.

First post, an easy parody. Seen enough of these, the song probably doesn't need another. Screw it, here's another. Also:

Song Parody - Program
(From Love Song, by Sara Bareilles)

Out of caffeine,
and you tell me
to stay awake for a while.
The coding gets harder
even I know that.

Logged in for me
it's too soon to see
if I'm happy with this code.
It's unusual; I've never seen it.

Blank stares at empty strings
No easy way to say this
You mean well but
I don't know where to start

I'm not going to write you a program
'cause you asked for it.
'Cause you want one, in C.
I'm not going to write you a program
'cause you tell me it's pass or break in this.
If you're on your way
I'm not going to write this, okay?
If all you have is errors
I need a better reason to write you a

I learned the hard way
that they all say
C is the best
And all my pointers
run deep down under
you and your code insert;
it doesn't work...
This is not what I thought it was...

Hello to runtime fail...
Convince me to code this
Make me think that I want this too
I'm trying to let you see this as it is


Promise me
You'll leave the lights on
to help me code,
Dew, my caffeine gone.
'Cause I believe there's a way
you can code this because I say


If your code is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
I'll code an MMO when
I believe that there's a reason
to write you a

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Two Things

Whoo! A post!

Well, I found this article about a week ago. I thought I'd make a few of these; it's a simple post, and it gives you people something to read until November is over.
For those of you who can't be bothered to click the link, the gist of the page is that everything in the world can be summed up in two points.

The two things about:

2. GOTO 1

1. (
2. )

1. This space for sale
2. So is this space

1. All points are equal
1. All points are equal

1. Looks legal
2. Not legal

1. That looks like a stupid game
2. Holy shit I've been playing for 15 hours

1. You do not talk about /b/
2. You do NOT talk about /b/

1. I can quit whenever I want
2. Just not right now

1. I can do this whenever I want
2. Just not right now

(Is procrastination a drug?)

Horror Movies
1. Open any door in your attempt to escape

1. Crime doesn't pay
2. When it does, it pays well

1. That one is lying
2. So is that one

Blanket Statements
1. Irony
2. Meta

Fan Fiction
1. The first draft is garbage
2. So are all the other ones

1. The (non-asian) guy gets the girl
2. The world is saved (but never by the asian guy)

1. Turkey
2. Tums

1. Words
2. Why are you reading this you could be writing

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Keyword Update

Am I being trolled? I mean, in the past six days, I've got six new hits from Google. The people got to this blog by searching for:

November 1- programming languages
November 1- what problems do nukes solve
November 2- how obama has messed up usa
November 3- things obama has messed up
November 5- tvtrope nukes solve everything
November 6- ways obama has messed up

Okay, so maybe there's been a spike in patriotism in the country, as post-election day, people need to figure out how Obama has benefited the country, and if nuclear warheads can solve our crappy economy.

I don't know about you guys, but the mental image of some Obama-hater who doesn't quite know what he should hate Obama for coming to this blog and then going into full-on rage mode is quite hilarious to me.

Perhaps there will be more in coming days. Back to writing!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween & Remorse

I was not able to finish the Halloween post I intended to do, as RL got in the way. Here is a graph I made for the post, however.

That's the Halloween part.

As for the second part, November is NaNoWriMo month, meaning I'll be focusing on writing up my story. It will have priority over this blog, meaning there will be very tangible amounts of time between posts, if I get a post up during November at all. It's also the reason I haven't posted for the last two weeks. 

However, come December, I'll be rejuvenating the blog with another one post/day challenge for myself.
As always, idea suggestions are always welcome!

Monday, October 18, 2010


You've probably heard of Minecraft right now. If you haven't heard of it, you clearly have not been living in that hole of a basement below the stairs. BACK TO YOUR COMPUTER! NOW! BAD!

Minecraft is a pretty recent indie sandbox game, which by most accounts, is, as one hivemind reported, "Addicting as hell. Can I go back to mining now?"

No others could be pried from their keyboards for long enough to utter any words except for "NEWFAG GTFO OUR BOARDS"

Yes, even the clown forum. They even sprayed me with their prank flowers.

In Minecraft, one goes running about punching trees, punching pigs, punching zombies, and punching stone until you figure out that this guy has an anger management problem get better building materials. From there, it scales, with you building whatever crap you want to, out of whatever you want to. This can take anywhere from minutes to months, depending on which piece of euphemistic structure you build. (Because that's all anyone ever builds, right?)

Finally, as you look upon the glory of your structure, you'll sigh a sigh of satisfaction. (No, that wasn't a continuation of the whole euphemism thing.) And then, you'll accidentally set fire to the place.  Or you'll fall into a pit of lava. Or some creeper will come blow your place up.

Get it right, folks.

This, of course, leads to the 5 Stages of Minecraft Grief, when the fact that your wonderful structure is only a fraction of its former glory finally sets in. (Okay, I get that you see euphemisms freaking everywhere. You can shut up now.) For those of you who are adversely affected by these stages, realize that they do not last. Here the stages are:

1- Denial
Example: Nope. I've still got my diamond armor and sword. Here, watch me take out this spider. Why am I not killing it? The game must be glitched. AAAAHHH! It made me die! I lost all my items! I hate these glitches!

How to cope: Accept that you've lost your base/items/etc. See? They're not there any more. Deep breaths, there we,,, out- OHMYGODWHATAREYOUDOINGWITHTHATCHAIR? (This is where you move to the second stage.)

2- Anger
Example: Aaaaaahhhhh! I lost all my stuff! All my progress! The countless hours (honestly, I lost track after the second hour) spent creating, and fine-tuning! All because of a stupid creeper! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

How to cope: Smash something. Or punch a tree. All better? Good. Punch another tree in case. And another. And another. (At this point, you may exit the stages of grief until next time.)

3- Bargaining
This stage is pure bullshit. Just skip past it, it's not worth the five days of waiting and $50 in roses. You won't get a thank you card.

4- Depression
Example: Oh, this game isn't worth it. I'll go play something else. Or get something to eat. No, that's no good. A creeper will probably blow up my pizza before I get to it or something. Ugh I think I'll just sit here and do nothing.

How to cope: Spend a few hours playing Minecraft to push your depression away.

5- Acceptance
Example: Too busy playing Minecraft, I'll tell you how my depression is going tomorrow. While you're here, check out my newest building!

And there you have it. I'm going to go punch some trees now.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

There's A Blog For That!

Apple has just recently trademarked their "There's an app for that" phrase. Meaning every time you type, say, or think about the consecutive words "There's an app for that" Apple can sue you for IP violations if you don't add a TM (in superscript, mind you!) directly after. I am not sure if parodies or quotes fall under violations, but if they do, I've got a metric fuckton of lawsuits coming for me. Because Apple needs to squish every blogger essentially giving them free adspace out there. On Google, no less!

Honestly, I don't see why they feel the need to trademark that phrase. Sure, it comes up in half the commercials they run (all the non-Microsoft bashing ones, to be specific), but that doesn't make it theirs. I don't know why they feel that just because they use a phrase, it's theirs.

There's a word for that.

Self-importance. Kids these days are just full of it, you know? They think they're the most important people out there. Until you ask them, at which point they profusely deny it. ("Oh, hell no! I'm like, the most humble person in the world, you know?") Part of this is the culture they grow up around. Everything is centered around them - blogs, facebook, myspace, twitter, buzz (for all you cool people in the world) - nearly everyone is figuratively jumping up and down and saying "HEY! LOOK AT ME!".

I said figuratively.

In all honesty, I think all of this could be overcome if we did one thing. Followed the rules of the internet. That's right, you heard me. Like those ones where you're not allowed to mention /b/, or Rule 34. I don't quite remember what that one was, just that it was awfully traumatizing. It was something like...ummm....

There's a fap for that.


Okay, okay, I'm....I'm alright now. Back to our stuck-up generation. All this self-importance has also caused this generation to possess the continual belief in their validity of what they have to say. To the point where what they say becomes overarching in their minds, and apparently to the world. (To the one person who said that Ke-dolla-ha was a singer, I hate you forever.) This causes arguments, fallacious to the extreme. For those of you who have lost all hope in arguments with these folks, remember this:

Use logic and feel smug.
Or, if you want the parody that badly, there's a fact for that!

Now to wait for the cease and desist orders from Apple.
There'll be crap for that.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Boy's Homework Eaten By Dog for 314 Days Straight

Today marks the 314th day upon which Rick Grey has had his homework consumed by his dog, beating the former record held by Lars Meyer, who had his streak cut short after it was found that he, on multiple occasions, consumed his own homework when, "[his] dog wasn't feeling too well."

Rick had an ecstatic smile upon his face throughout the interview. He excitedly told the interview team about how he felt through the whole thing.

In his own words, "I was actually pretty scared in the beginning. I didn't know how it would play out, like, my grades and everything. But then I started to realize that grades really weren't that important, not when I could get my name published as a sentence-long entry in a world records book." Indeed, his struggle was enormous. He cited numerous occasions upon which he met "disapproving looks" from teachers, as well as the occasional call home when "a teacher just didn't get me, you know?"

We also asked fellow students about this endeavor of Rick's. While the reporting team was unable to extract a comment from Tina, the girl who sits next to Rick in Language Arts because oh my god did you see what dress Mikka was wearing and with that blouse too oh my god, the Manny Terrson, Rick's lab partner, provided helpful insight. "He would come every day without any homework. It was amazing. Whenever Mrs. Osst would come around for the homework, he would just respond with a nonchalant 'The dog ate it.' It was freaking amazing." The school misanthrope, Judy West, provided a more controversial view. "I think he's just doing it for the attention. What self-absorbed teenager wouldn't want extra attention? I just disregard him. And everyone else."

Indeed, Rick's journey has been a tough one. His dog refused to eat any plain homework after day 33. Since then, Rick has tried a variety of combinations of condiments which he has put upon his homework. "Ketchup, hot sauce, cat litter, last night's pizza, small shiny objects, vomit, mailmen, chocolate, he eats all of it", Rick said.

As we finished this interview, we put the question to the boy. "How long will you keep this going?"

His response was short, and to the point. "As long as I can. Though college, then grad school. Once I get an office job, memos, research results, large charts, they'll all be accidentally left on the ground where they could be eaten."

When his dog was asked for comment on this future in work-eating, he responded with a noncommittal burp.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Programming languages are as diverse as people. Each has their own traits and personality. Below is a commentary on some of those languages.

A+ - Language of Asians. Many of those who program A+ began programming C, then converted because their parents expected better of them.

C++ - All the cool people program C++, you should too! Don't be non-conformist.

C-- - A lesser version of C++.

D - This language fails the programming test. Work up to C, at least!

Fortran - That one old guy on the corner who spends all day on the porch. If you get past his rough exterior, however, you'll find a trove of knowledge.

Java - This is not coffee. It can be addictive as coffee, however.

Javascript - This is not Java. Understand? Good.

Lisp - Thith ith a language that ith powerful although it thoundth really weird. Have fun underthanding it.


NXC - See C--.

Objective C - An elitist language, somewhat like many Mac users. Prepare for an extra dose of smugness and long periods of feeling superior for no clear reason.

Piet - Schizophrenics and abstract artists everywhere love this language. They can put random colors into a file, and it makes a program! Magic!

Python - Not much to say, really. It's like that one kid in your class who seems kinda slow at first but provides a brilliant solution out of nowhere. (As opposed to C++, which is that kid who raises his hand and blurts out the answer before the teacher finishes asking the question.)

Shakespeare - Verily, thine language dost appear to be a play! Brings out the playwright in you.

Squirrel - I swear this is different from SQL. For one it- OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!

Whitespace - For people who have too much time on their hands, and are really good at counting spaces.

I'll have a post with more content up tomorrow, with any luck.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Religion, Revisited

As per the norm, if you happen to be touchy, and become offended when people fart in your general direction, there's a wonderful site out there for you. It starts with and rhymes with b. I'm noting, as I read over the post again, that some non-touchy people may even be offended. Collateral damage, I suppose.

Atheists are doing something right if they don't follow religion, and yet are better at religion than anybody else. I'm citing the recent survey which found that atheists know more in general about religion than any other religious division.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but this outcome was expected for me. We've already lost in morals, ethics, and not being heathen blasphemers, so we've got to win at something. Why not religion? Atheists are already the most religious people out there, so why not win at something we've got a head start on?

Now, this study also provides enlightenment to some issues. There are those who say that atheism is in fact, a religion. Now, I don't know about you, but, isn't one of the main pillars of any religion believing in a deity? However, I'm inclined to give these blasphemers of atheism a second chance now that I've seen the facts. Roughly 15% of Americans don't know that atheists don't believe in any deity. This group consists of a bunch of ignorant or misled Christians, Muslims, etc., and one very, very confused atheist, who isn't quite sure why the local church won't let him in.

This study also shows that 92% of the surveyed did not know that Maimonides was Jewish. Now, I don't know about you guys, but this is shocking.

More shocking than all these combined

How could you not know this? He was born in the golden age of Jewish culture in Spain, for crying out loud! And he lived in Fostat, Egypt! This is a tragedy, that we would lose sight of such people in this day and age. Old people are still important!

Well, maybe not this guy. Sure, he fought in 'Nam and is now bravely
defending his lawn, but what does he do for society? Has he
saved any stray kittens lately? I think not!

And just for a final fact, 29% of the surveyed did not know that Jesus was born in Bethlehem. I'm sorry, how does that hymn go?

"Jesus, my savior, to NYC came-"

Nope, that's not right.

"Jesus, my savior, to Beijing came-"

Not that one either.

"Jesus, my savior, to Bethlehem came-"


"Jesus, my savior, to America came..."

That sounds about right. Because America is a Christian nation, and was founded as such.

So, as I close, as a word to all you fellow non-believers, hold steady in your unfaith, and have mercy on those who blaspheme so, for they are not so knowledgeable on such matters. Feel free to quote various religious texts, as well, whether or not they are outdated, or do not pertain to the matter at hand. Since when has relevance mattered?

Monday, September 27, 2010

Test Improvements

To the Board of Education:

No student likes taking tests, except for that one kid who sits in the corner, but I think he's crazy anyways. One can come to the logical conclusion, then, that if we improved various facets of tests, they would grow in attractiveness. Unfortunately, hiring PR agents has not worked in the past.

What I'm proposing is a system-wide change. This means testing the tests, and throwing the tests that don't pass the test out. That test which tests the tests must also be tested by a group of accomplished test-takers (who of course, took a test to earn that title.)

We need stricter guidelines for tests, and routine testings to make sure those tests are doing their job. A bad test only brings the grade for the rest of the tests down. It's like an election; the most appealing tests will remain "in office" as it were.

Now, here are some of the changes I would propose, to make all tests better.

#1: TL;DR's for test questions

Students are lazy. That is something you can't change without great effort and copious amounts of brainwashing. I'm not sure if you know this, but nearly 92% of our brainwash is created in China. The other 8% is manufactured by various political parties. Rather than expend all that necessary effort, I recommend we make one simple change to the tests. That is, add tl;dr's to every question for those students who are too lazy to read through the whole thing themselves. These students, rather than making pretty pictures out of the bubbles on the answer sheet, will actually spend time on the questions, once simplified. Here's an example question with a possible tl;dr:

Rob has a pet frog that jumps 10 meters with every jump. The frog's jump takes one second, and must rest for three seconds after every jump. If Rob times the frog for 24 seconds, how far will the frog have jumped?
tl;dr: 10*(24/6) = ?

#2: Simpler Multiple Choice

I don't know about you test writers, but honestly, the number of possibilities for all the multiple choice questions have been increasing. My grandfather remembers when there were only three choices per answer. (Of course, he's dead, so I'm interpreting his movements, or lack thereof.) The SAT now has four per answer, and AP tests have five. What will be next? Six? Seven?

Again, to help those lazy students out, I would suggest either making the correct answer more pertinent (e.g. circling it in red beforehand) or reducing the number of answers, an example of which is given below.

The trees whistled in the wind which flew by in the dark of night.
The underlined is an example of what literary technique?
A) Personification

#3: Meta-questions

Now, I don't know about you, but I've never met a student who didn't like a good meta-question. Of course, being the anti-social guy that I am, I haven't actually met anybody, per se, so read into that as far as you like. Meta-questions are pretty straightforward - they reference themselves, and are really good reading while tripping on acid. There's not much more to say, so I'll give an example here:

Here is a statement. Here is another statement. This is a statement which tells you that the degree of this equation is 4. Here is some bullshit which would help you on that AP World History test you took last week. Here's the actual equation you'll need, but you probably won't notice it because you're skimming the test with 30 seconds to go. You probably thought 30 was the answer, idiot. Here's a closing statement.

#4: More Interesting Questions

In the same vein of the last suggestion, I would recommend questions that actually capture the test-taker's attention. I mean, do we really care about Rob's frog? Or what Betty gets on her test if it's graded on a curve? Or how many times that douchebag Cartman has pissed in your OJ?

Okay, maybe we do care about that last one, but for different reasons which involve baseball bats and reducing the amount of piss in our orange juice. But honestly, it doesn't take much to capture the attention of the average teenager. For example, you could put some boobs are random points at the test, or put small amounts of money after each question. (I swear I wouldn't just rifle through the test for the money!) Honestly, I don't think I should/need to put an example here. Otherwise the rest of this would never get read.

Wait. What rest of this?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Why Won't You Die?

I felt that this post needed a bit of expansion. I also felt hungry, and a bit sleepy, but you don't care about that. Which is why I didn't include those thin-

Okay, never mind.

I have recently begun to shirk fmylife and mylifeisaverage as much as possible. The reason? Overusage of the phrases. That overusage has driven them down, down into the ground, and back out into the atmosphere, much to my (and possibly your) annoyance. The beginning of the phrases "FML" and "MLIA" were innocent enough, and possibly even funny (if not tragic in the case of FML).

Unfortunately, this is no longer so. When FML once was used to represent life-altering things, such as accidentally running over a politician, losing your job due to pausing to conduct an act of kindness, living in poverty in a third-world country, or "accidentally" running over a politician, it has now been taken in by the text-crazed teenager. FML has been degraded to such menial events, such as being unable to go out on Friday night after staying out crazy-late Thursday night, or getting a C in a class, even though you were only not paying attention 70% of the time, and got 10% of the homework done (I mean, damn, what do the teachers expect us to do? All the homework? Pay attention in class? What has this world come to?)

Now I'm not quite sure if these teenagers know what they're saying.
FML stands for Fuck My Life. No, not My Life Is Slightly Worse or Kinda-Screw But Not Too Hard My Life, or even Why Won't My Parents Let Me Go Out For Friday Nightlife. Just putting that out there.

Another offender, but not a major one, is MLIA. While it began as a humble "My Life Is Average", it has evolved into "I Do Awesome Shit And Pretend It's Normal".

For example, this fine example is one of the earliest MLIA's ever recorded, back in the 1730's. The exact publishing date is unknown.

"Thif fine day hath found me walking downe the streete withe alle the otherf. Verily, MLIA."

To take this into the modern day, let's pull something from the MLIA site.

"Today, all the lights in the classroom turned off unexpectedly. Just as I said "Lumos", the lights came back on. My friend is now convinced I am a wizard. MLIA."

Now, I don't know about you, but I see two possibilities here:
1) The person has tried this every time the lights shut off. In which case, the fact that this happened was inevitable, and in some ways, a coincidence. The average person does not say "Lumos" whenever the lights turn off in an attempt to turn them back on, and I am sure that the average person doesn't believe wizardry is real, either.

2) The person actually is a wizard. The average person is not a wizard. End of discussion.

I'm sure that the creators of MLIA meant to name their site, but found that the site was taken. However, the site is no longer taken, so I would urge the creators to move their site to there. Unless they're actively trying to deceive their readers into thinking that it's normal to be able to cast spells. Then I have a psychiatric ward I'd like to refer them to.

As I end, I will note that I will impale (with a spoon) anyone who brings up the phrase MLIT. I will also have a post on werewolf/vampire wannabes sooner or later. The fact that the protagonist of Twilight is into bestiality and is a necrophiliac (and is looked up to?) will not be missed. But right now I've got a bit of homework to do. FML.


Something I made just now. It'd be awesome to have something like this for one of the satire rallies. Or just for lulz in general.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Trolled By Dictionaries

I'm sure all of you know what trolling is. As states, to troll is to "sing or utter in a full, rolling voice."

Now, I've been seeing a bunch of trolling lately, and...wait. Wrong definition, damn it. Okay, off to They've got a bunch of slang, and are way more with the times than Psh!
So urbandictionary states that trolling is "hunting for trolls".

Trolling can be pretty funny, except for the person who is-

God. Damn. It. Okay, how about Google? Google is practically the internet! Google defines trolling as "fishing by trailing a baited along behind a boat". Now, I don't like the water too much, but when other people troll, it can be a delight. Especially if they catch some fish.

Wait. What do fish have to do with the internet? FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Okay, fine. Wikipedia. What do you have to say?
"A troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages...with the intent of provoking other users into a desired emotional response."

Fucking finally.
So, as you can see....what was I going to say? I forget...

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Apologies on the long post delay. I've been a bit caught up in this thing which is totally new to me. Paperwork.

Now my nemesis, I had once thought it to be a fictional thing, made to make bad adults do their work faster ("Do your work, or I'll set the paperwork on you! In triplicate!), but no more.

When paperwork happens, everybody loses.


Yes, even you.

Surely we don't need all this paperwork? Do you really need to define what "Academics" is? Or that "Recreation" does not include anything which could be potentially harmful to others? (Okay, maybe you do, but explicitly stating that using admins as target practice for the zombie apocalypse does not count as "Academic Enrichment" is just a douchebag move.)

And you know what? All this paperwork is killing the Earth. Killing it!
How? I've made a simple chart to outline all this.

The agenda is so secret, I mentioned how secret it is, twice!

And, to all those people who go from less trees to not having enough oxygen, you missed the part where OBAMA DESTROYS THE PLANET WITH THE TRANSFORMERS HIDDEN IN HOOVER DAM!

Also, Obama's box is black. Like his...
soul, you racist. (As of this point, I have resolved to make no more anti-Obama jokes for the rest of the year. Limbaugh is still fair game.)

Paperwork is also a waste of time. I don't know about you, but having me sign here, here, here, here, and here (as well as here and here if you take option 2b, and if you do not qualify for option 11, sign here, but not there no no no oh shit that's is a pen where's the white-out you just sold your soul to the devil, two senators, and that kid who sat next to you in fifth grade!) And to the wise-guy who decided to make the forms non-electronic, I'd like to put a knife in your gut, if you know what I mean, and no, that's not sexual. 

I mean, they had computers way back when, I know that! Otherwise, how would there have been Facetablet?

Seriously, the paperwork-design-team must have spent all their time on and playing Farmville: Egypt Edition.

TL;DR - Paperwork sucks, nubian concubines were hot, you're a racist.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Chinese Vs. English

My trip to China opened my eyes a little more to the various aspects of Chinese. Admittedly, this is more of a Chinese > English post as it has no pro-English points. Then again, we people using English on the internet are so smug about it already, it needs none. Without further ado...

Reason #1: Nnnnnnnooooooo mmmmmmeeeeeessssssaaaagggggeeeeeesssss llllllliiiiiikkkkkkeeeee ttttttthhhhhiiiiiissssss!
I mean, that's enough reason by itself. Okay, extending the vowels might make some half-sense but how the hell do you pronounce:

(Yes, some of you will point out that this is possible in pinyin. I will point out that no Chinese uses pinyin when they can write actual characters. Pinyin is for us illiterate Americans.)

Reason #2: In Chinese, you pronounce pork as: "Jew ro"
Yes, pork is the Jewish meat.
I don't know about you guys, but I sense a conspiracy about to be unveiled!

Reason #3: In English, when you flip someone the bird, that's the same as giving them the finger, or fingering them.
And if it's a guy, that's just gay.

Reason #4: 靠草或微笑。

Reason #5: [Censored by Chinese government]

Reason #6: [Censored by Chinese government]

Friday, September 10, 2010

Wait. What?

I think I've just figured out why so many Obama-bashers are so generic and have such shallow arguments.

The site I use to monitor the stats of the blog has a search engine keyword tracker as well.
Now, not many people ever reach my site through any way other than personal plug, but here's a list of the search terms people have gotten to my site with.

"ways Obama screwed up"
"ways Obama has messed up America"
"why nuke explode to mushroom shaped"
"Nukes solve"
"why is Obama messing up so bad?" (This one popped up twice!)
"things Obama has messed up"

Do you see a trend?
Yup. My blog is obviously loved by all the right wing conservatrolls out there. Who need to be told why Obama is bad, instead of analyzing what he's done and forming their own opinion.

Seriously? Americans, why do you need to be told what you think about anyone?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I was going to post a humorous post today, but then, something came to my attention. ACTA. This has been around for about two years, and I'm amazed that this is the first I've heard of it. I blame the media for this one. Even the New York times has no coverage on ACTA. (Or, none that I found through multiple searches.)

What is ACTA?

I myself find it hard to put into succinct terms, if only due to the rage I feel at it. It is essentially a global law that would supersede existing laws in any countries which joined ACTA. Currently, the United States is among these countries.

A few links which describe ACTA:
The Anti-ACTA website

Note that ACTA itself has no website. It has been kept under covers from the start, private from the public - only those involved with voting on it have been able to see it, and (AFAIK) corporations.

Now, why do corporations get to see it, and have their say, but not the public? For something that's supposed to protect corporations, won't they, oh, I don't know, make things overly easy for them, and overly hard for the public? Just saying...

I'll stop ranting now, so I have a chance at putting up the post I had planned, and so that I don't bias any opinion you may form on it too much. I'll leave you with a few links, however, if you feel like protesting.

Open this, and keep it open. It is a reloader, used to bump up the Anti-ACTA website higher up on search engines to raise awareness.
Contact your congressman to have your say. You may feel that you're just a drop in the bucket, but if enough drops form, well, that drop becomes more than a drop, no?
Contact your senator to have your say. As above. Except if you use both links, you get to say your stuff twice. Cool stuff, eh?
The only place I found with lots of info about ACTA. Another reason to use reddit.
For those of you not in the USA, there are links on the anti-ACTA site for you to contact whatever representatives you may have.

If you want to stop ACTA as well, send the links (or this blog post!) to everyone you think would be interested, and everybody you don't think would be. (But please, no chain mails. I hate those things, and I'm sure you do too.) Except not 4chan. Well, maybe the links, but just the links.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

China 2010, Part 3

No prefacing (save this, apparently) needed.

August 28th - Did what every good visitor to Qingdao should do today; drank beer, ate clams. Yummy.
Also, the fresh-brewed beer from Tsingtao comes in bags. Makes it a bit harder to pour...

August 29th - Finally the sun came out! Back to the beach!

August 30th - More sun, more beach. Not much to elaborate on.
Also, cars stopping for pedestrians crossing the street is like fighting space unicorns using doesn't fucking happen.

August 31st - Another dumpling place tonight. I had multicultural dumplings; normal white dumplings, yellow dumplings (A bit of corn in the dough), and black dumplings (Octopus ink in the dough). Yay for not being racist!

September 1st - Train ride to Tianjin today. Said goodbye to various relatives. Sadness.

September 2nd - First and only day in Tianjin. It's a whole lot of road and not much building. Went to a free museum during the day. Turns out they make you pay for the toilet paper. I guess that's one way to make money.

Also learned how over-embellished things in China get. A sign which read "Treasure Hall" had a politician's mouthful of Chinese on it. Which, when translated, read something along the lines of, "Very antique rare most ancient best exquisitely preserved treasures of China hall".

September 3rd - Bus ride to Beijing, then the plane ride back. Trip over.

Coming back from China, just to put some interesting facts out there as pros/cons...

All streetlights had timers, so you could see exactly how long you had to cross or how long you had to wait at the red light.
Treads on the street for blind people to follow.
Lots of different meats.
No graffiti/vandalism anywhere. I saw one piece, total.

Almost no traffic laws. Cars going wherever they could.
Never sure what meat you're eating.
Everyone lives in apartments. Some of them are quite nice though.

Other stuff:
Justin Bieber is much more popular there because the Chinese, in general, admire men having some feminine qualities. Why they think Bieber is male, I'll never know...
Also figured out why Asians in general are so thin. Rice is meant to be eaten one grain at a time. By the time you get through a bowl, one grain at a time, you're too goddamn frustrated to eat any more.

Next post: Comparing Chinese and English: Why Chinese is better.

Monday, September 6, 2010

China 2010, Part 2


The second week of my trip to China. Not as many jokes here; this week consisted of eating at restaurants and going to the beach (and wanting to go to the beach when it was rainy.)

August 19th - Forgot the picture of duck tongues.

August 20th - Ate quail and frog today at dinner.

There were also beautifully made apple-rabbits. It was very hard to make the choice between eating them and letting them breed to make more apple-bunnies. 

August 21st - Went to another restaurant. Yummy!

August 22nd - More beach-going, more sand, more water.
Spotted this bit of incomprehensible text as well.


August 23rd - I learned today that Qingdao is known for two things: its clams, and its beer. A popular saying in Qingdao is "喝啤酒,吃蛤蜊" which means, "Drink beer, eat clams."
Qingdao was also occupied by the Germans for a duration of time. Is it any wonder their beer is well-known?

Qingdao has an annual beer festival which lasts two weeks. I went there today, and to my surprise, it was quite kid-friendly, though there were quite a few cops around, and even a fire truck. The music was pretty loud, but not too bad. At least for me; accompanying parental units found it to be too much. Buzzkill.
So I left the festival with a bit of a sour taste in my mouth (Okay, no more puns), would like to go back (Perhaps in a few years...what's the legal drinking age in China?).

August 24th - Went to a well-known dumpling place before retreating to the apartment. Why does it have to rain now?

August 25th - Rained most of the day. Braved the rain to go to the MYKAL mall for various treats. These will be brought for distribution at lunch.

The MYKAL was pretty much like any other mall in the US, except there was Chinese instead of English, and a secret supermarket in the basement. Said secret supermarket could not spell cooking correctly.
Mmm....cocked coocked food...

August 26th - Went to a different mall today, this one consisting of many small shops and vendors. Lots of shells, lots of jewelry. Apparently there was even more on higher levels.

Spotted this sign when I was walking on the coast. Not quite as mangled as some others, but still...

Please, don't be closer. No! No be closer!

Also, more dumplings, more good food.

August 27th - We went to Qingdao's old alley today. It's one of the oldest parts of the city, a cramped alleyway filled with small restaurants and vendor stalls. One stall was selling various bugs to be fried, so I got some scorpions. Tasted like french fries, if only a bit chewier. Yum.

Final post coming tomorrow, before the blog returns to its normal programming.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

China 2010, Part 1

WARNING: The following series of posts may be traumatizing to vegetarians, vegans, and bigots. Especially to bigots.

Right, so I normally don't blog about my life, but this is an exception. However, I understand that reading "We went to the Great Wall today. It was a wall." really isn't all that fun, so I've edited out the more boring parts (e.g. The ten hour plane flight which I originally planned to write in great detail.) and tried to make the rest more enjoyable to read. I'm splitting this up into a few parts, and will be posting one part every one to two days. Be ready for a jumble of present/past-tense narration. Here we go...

August 11th - Left Seattle for Beijing. Wheeee!

August 12th - Arrival in Bejing. Several things struck me about China at once.
The Asians were the second thing I noticed. There were so many! I thought China, like all other parts of the world, was white! But every time I'd look into a car, I'd Asian. Then another. And another. Since when do Asians live in...erm, never mind.
Then again, that did explain why every car was moving so slowly. I mean every single one of the cars packed bumper to bumper was moving 5-10 kmph, tops. This myth that all Asians are slow drivers? Not a myth. 

Now, as the ride came to an end, we (My dad, sister, and uncle) dropped our stuff off at the hotel, and went outside to see (and taste!) Bejing. Don't you even dare make that into one of your sick, twisted jokes.
There were so many toy dogs. I mean, everyone had one! Why? Why? What reason would Chinese people have-
Oh. Okay. Right. Well, looking back, I can proudly say that I didn't eat any dogs.

At least, I don't think I did.

Later, I searched for Chinatown. I was disappointed that I didn't find it.

August 13th - Went to the Forbidden City and Tienanmen Square. It was a foggy day, or maybe just extra smoggy, but even so, the Forbidden City was damn impressive. Pictures to come later.

By dinner, I'd decided that China is a vegetarian's nightmare. And everyone else's place to eat very well.

On a whim, I also took a look at Chinese TV. There's a company, CCTV, which owns almost every station. Tuned into a news show, which I thought was a game show until informed otherwise. The people were holding up signs with Chinese and there were game show noises! Take a look for yourself. Apologies on the slant.

August 14th - Went to the Great Wall today. Again, pictures will come later. Learned several new facts today, among them:
1) Getting on buses with country people in China is harder than getting on the Metro after school, or giving birth. (I've experienced one of these firsthand, guess which.)
2) The Great Wall goes on longer than one might think. Betting that you can run the entirety of the wall is thus not a good idea. 
3) It is not a good idea to stand on steep parts of the wall when it is windy while wearing a skirt. Just saying.

August 15th - A lazy day today. The family restaurant we went to for dinner was impressive in how efficiently it ran. Everything seemed to be scripted, all the staff knew exactly what they were doing, etc. Why can't there be places like this in America?

Also, they had cannibal fishies.

August 16th - Took a train to Qingdao today.
Qingdao has temperatures like Seattle, which is pretty awesome; I was glad to escape the heat of Beijing. Incidentally, Seattle had its heat wave at this point. Bahaha....
I met one of my cousins today as well. 
On an unrelated note, I also learned a few swear words. Totally unrelated.

August 17th - First of many days at the beach. It's a private (Membership-based, that is) beach, so it's not too crowded, and there aren't any foreign devils here, either. Apparently, standing in the water and staring at stuff (sunset, waves crashing on rocks, other people staring at stuff) is commonplace.
However, there are way too many speedos here. What is it with Asian men and speedos? DO NOT WANT with a capital DO NOT WANT.

Earlier, we went to a street called Electronic City. It's a street totally dedicated to all things electronic, and the star building is a 20-floor hotel-style building, which sells electronics only. Nerdgasm. Seattle needs one of these.

August 18th - Met another cousin, and her child. She (the child, that is) calls me uncle. I feel so old...

I also spotted the first of many translation fails to come.

August 19th - Met my great-uncle today. Suddenly I don't feel so old.
Ordered lunch from a restaurant (as we have been for a while now), had quail eggs, and duck tongues.

Duck tongues look like backwards snake tongues.
I also learned my eldest uncle and his wife own a chain of hair salons. Yay free haircuts!

Part 2 to come tomorrow.