China 2010, Part 2

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS TEXT!

The second week of my trip to China. Not as many jokes here; this week consisted of eating at restaurants and going to the beach (and wanting to go to the beach when it was rainy.)

August 19th - Forgot the picture of duck tongues.

August 20th - Ate quail and frog today at dinner.

There were also beautifully made apple-rabbits. It was very hard to make the choice between eating them and letting them breed to make more apple-bunnies. 

August 21st - Went to another restaurant. Yummy!

August 22nd - More beach-going, more sand, more water.

Spotted this bit of incomprehensible text as well.

Whatisthisidonteven-

August 23rd - I learned today that Qingdao is known for two things: its clams, and its beer. A popular saying in Qingdao is "喝啤酒，吃蛤蜊" which means, "Drink beer, eat clams."

Qingdao was also occupied by the Germans for a duration of time. Is it any wonder their beer is well-known?

Qingdao has an annual beer festival which lasts two weeks. I went there today, and to my surprise, it was quite kid-friendly, though there were quite a few cops around, and even a fire truck. The music was pretty loud, but not too bad. At least for me; accompanying parental units found it to be too much. Buzzkill.

So I left the festival with a bit of a sour taste in my mouth (Okay, no more puns), would like to go back (Perhaps in a few years...what's the legal drinking age in China?).

August 24th - Went to a well-known dumpling place before retreating to the apartment. Why does it have to rain now?

August 25th - Rained most of the day. Braved the rain to go to the MYKAL mall for various treats. These will be brought for distribution at lunch.

The MYKAL was pretty much like any other mall in the US, except there was Chinese instead of English, and a secret supermarket in the basement. Said secret supermarket could not spell cooking correctly.

Mmm....cocked coocked food...

August 26th - Went to a different mall today, this one consisting of many small shops and vendors. Lots of shells, lots of jewelry. Apparently there was even more on higher levels.

Spotted this sign when I was walking on the coast. Not quite as mangled as some others, but still...

Please, don't be closer. No! No be closer!

Also, more dumplings, more good food.

August 27th - We went to Qingdao's old alley today. It's one of the oldest parts of the city, a cramped alleyway filled with small restaurants and vendor stalls. One stall was selling various bugs to be fried, so I got some scorpions. Tasted like french fries, if only a bit chewier. Yum.

Final post coming tomorrow, before the blog returns to its normal programming.

China 2010, Part 1

WARNING: The following series of posts may be traumatizing to vegetarians, vegans, and bigots. Especially to bigots.

Right, so I normally don't blog about my life, but this is an exception. However, I understand that reading "We went to the Great Wall today. It was a wall." really isn't all that fun, so I've edited out the more boring parts (e.g. The ten hour plane flight which I originally planned to write in great detail.) and tried to make the rest more enjoyable to read. I'm splitting this up into a few parts, and will be posting one part every one to two days. Be ready for a jumble of present/past-tense narration. Here we go...

August 11th - Left Seattle for Beijing. Wheeee!

August 12th - Arrival in Bejing. Several things struck me about China at once.

The Asians were the second thing I noticed. There were so many! I thought China, like all other parts of the world, was white! But every time I'd look into a car, I'd see...an Asian. Then another. And another. Since when do Asians live in...erm, never mind.

Then again, that did explain why every car was moving so slowly. I mean every single one of the cars packed bumper to bumper was moving 5-10 kmph, tops. This myth that all Asians are slow drivers? Not a myth. 

Now, as the ride came to an end, we (My dad, sister, and uncle) dropped our stuff off at the hotel, and went outside to see (and taste!) Bejing. Don't you even dare make that into one of your sick, twisted jokes.

There were so many toy dogs. I mean, everyone had one! Why? Why? What reason would Chinese people have-

Oh. Okay. Right. Well, looking back, I can proudly say that I didn't eat any dogs.

At least, I don't think I did.

Later, I searched for Chinatown. I was disappointed that I didn't find it.

August 13th - Went to the Forbidden City and Tienanmen Square. It was a foggy day, or maybe just extra smoggy, but even so, the Forbidden City was damn impressive. Pictures to come later.

By dinner, I'd decided that China is a vegetarian's nightmare. And everyone else's place to eat very well.

On a whim, I also took a look at Chinese TV. There's a company, CCTV, which owns almost every station. Tuned into a news show, which I thought was a game show until informed otherwise. The people were holding up signs with Chinese and there were game show noises! Take a look for yourself. Apologies on the slant.

August 14th - Went to the Great Wall today. Again, pictures will come later. Learned several new facts today, among them:

1) Getting on buses with country people in China is harder than getting on the Metro after school, or giving birth. (I've experienced one of these firsthand, guess which.)

2) The Great Wall goes on longer than one might think. Betting that you can run the entirety of the wall is thus not a good idea. 

3) It is not a good idea to stand on steep parts of the wall when it is windy while wearing a skirt. Just saying.

August 15th - A lazy day today. The family restaurant we went to for dinner was impressive in how efficiently it ran. Everything seemed to be scripted, all the staff knew exactly what they were doing, etc. Why can't there be places like this in America?

Also, they had cannibal fishies.

August 16th - Took a train to Qingdao today.

Qingdao has temperatures like Seattle, which is pretty awesome; I was glad to escape the heat of Beijing. Incidentally, Seattle had its heat wave at this point. Bahaha....

I met one of my cousins today as well. 

On an unrelated note, I also learned a few swear words. Totally unrelated.

August 17th - First of many days at the beach. It's a private (Membership-based, that is) beach, so it's not too crowded, and there aren't any foreign devils here, either. Apparently, standing in the water and staring at stuff (sunset, waves crashing on rocks, other people staring at stuff) is commonplace.

However, there are way too many speedos here. What is it with Asian men and speedos? DO NOT WANT with a capital DO NOT WANT.

Earlier, we went to a street called Electronic City. It's a street totally dedicated to all things electronic, and the star building is a 20-floor hotel-style building, which sells electronics only. Nerdgasm. Seattle needs one of these.

August 18th - Met another cousin, and her child. She (the child, that is) calls me uncle. I feel so old...

I also spotted the first of many translation fails to come.

August 19th - Met my great-uncle today. Suddenly I don't feel so old.
Ordered lunch from a restaurant (as we have been for a while now), had quail eggs, and duck tongues.

Duck tongues look like backwards snake tongues.
I also learned my eldest uncle and his wife own a chain of hair salons. Yay free haircuts!

Part 2 to come tomorrow.

Last Post For A While (And It's Not Even Funny!)

I try to stay away from boring all of you with details of my personal life here, but it's probably necessary now. Going off on vacation for several weeks until early September. No blog posts until then.

On an unrelated note, I've added an experimental chat bubble on the side of the blog. Don't have to have Gmail to use it - give it a try =)

Heavenly Corporation

Religion plays an undeniably huge part in today's world. And just like corporations, the gods of every religion are vying for more supporters. Here are some of the records from past advisory sessions for various religions.

Let's start off with Christianity, shall we?

Statistics Saint: Heaven acceptance numbers are down 6.66% sir!

God: Oh for my sake, Lucifer's acting up again. Send someone to him to see what he needs now. He already gets all the hot babes and rich bastards. What more does he need?

Public Relations Saint: Well, sir, we also think that might be part of the problem. If you're good, and don't have sex, and don't sin in general, you go to Heaven.

God: That's not a problem! Heaven is great!

Public Relations Saint: *shakes head* No, sir, you see, in Heaven, there is even more of not having sex, and even more rigidness. I mean, for your sake, there's only shriveled nuns here! Like you said, all the hot babes are in Hell!

God: Okay, so we're a little too uptight about that. But I mean, why else wouldn't someone want to go to Heaven? I mean, it's Heaven!

Vacation Analyst Saint: Well, there's also the weather. In Hell, you've got 24/7 amazing sun and vacation weather. It's like a vacation every day, and you can get a tan just by stepping outside! Whereas Heaven is cloudy and grey. Everyone here is pasty white, and the only people that don't mind are the gingers!

God: *grumbles* Oh, alright. So the place could use some sun every once in a while. I'll see if I can't work out a deal with Ra or Helios. I'm just lucky there are two of them. They better not have a trust. What other news is there?

Public Relations Saint: Well, our studies on afterlife benefit preferences are in, and....

God: And?

Public Relations Saint: We figured out why our conversion numbers our down-

Statistics Saint: By exactly 14.3% sir, as you can see on this chart here with the pretty purple line going-

Public Relations Saint: Yes, yes, we get it. But we now think we know why these numbers are down.

Interrupting Shtick Saint: That's what she said!

God: Wait, what? That doesn't make sense. Why are you even here?

Interrupting Shtick Saint: Part of the employee morale boosting program sir. Apparently the grey clouds and stuff are making people depressed.

God: Okay, we've been over that already. Continue with the study findings please.

Public Relations Saint: When you look at other religions, we don't really offer much. Our happy afterlife benefits give eternal life and, well, that's about it. You remain at the age where you died, and for most people, that's as a nearly incapacitated 90-something.

God: So? They live forever!

Norse Ambassador Saint: Well, do you remember Valhalla?

God: Oh, yeah. That was a failed religion. It's dead now, isn't it?

Norse Ambassador Saint: In their time, they attracted lots of followers with the living at the prime of your life thing, and the rebirths at the end of the day. And the drinking and chicks that would follow you around.

God: Your point? The religion is dead!

Interrupting Shtick Saint: So is disco!
*smack*
What?

Public Relations Saint: What I think he's getting at is that if we instated those policies, we could pull all those nerdy D&D playing-cultists away from their satanic game and save their souls. What nerd wouldn't want to be followed by a bunch of girls all day long?

God: ...Meeting adjourned. We've got some policies to instate.

Afterward: Wow, writing this without using "For Christ's sake!", "Jesus!", "Geez!", or other exclamations in that vein (as well as swearing, since God doesn't swear) was hellish, pardon the pun. I'll probably pick this up at some point in the future. Either that, or forget it completely as I start up a slew of new series to work on. This could've been written much better I feel, as a monologue rather than a dialog. Like God looking at how he messed up Heaven. Ah well.

For all the religimaniacs out there (Yes! Another new word!) no, I'm not dissing Christianity. Learn to laugh at yourself once in a while. It's a good habit.

How To Be Insecure

Well, I'm back with another slew of stuff to hate on. Whoo!

Today, I may or may not present to you a slew of verbal tics that kinda sorta annoy me to no end. They also maybe possibly make you seem insecure, right?

"...Right?" (Usually followed by a open palms facing skyward, and a neck craned forward) is the first one of these.

Sample:

"So, I'm out on the street, right? And this guy walks up to me, right? And he's all,'Yo sup?', right? And I punch him in the face, right?"

Seriously, why are you doing that? No, it's not really that hip to make us reaffirm your story. Look, you were there, not us. Your story. Not mine. Whenever I hear this, I get this urge to correct them, like, Oh hell no, you were on the subway, not in the street, and you sure as hell didn't punch him in the face.

"Well, I went to the doctor, right? And he tells me I'm insecure, right?"

No, WRONG!
Err, scratch that. Right.

If you hear that phrase uttered, the next sentence is also likely to end with, "you hear me?"

Sample:

"Dude, so I'm getting this awesome pair of sandals, and then I buy them, you hear me?"

No. I'm just watching that punching bag at the back of your mouth vibrate. And I installed my NoiseBlok 2.5 yesterday, so no, I don't hear you. These guys are more insecure than the "...right?"'s.

A slightly gayer version of this is "you feel me?". Unless one of you is a chick. (And the other isn't!) Yes, I see your moobs, no I don't want to touch them.

"Maybe possibly" is another prime way to show how insecure you are. Or passive.

Sample:

"Oh, I was maybe possibly thinking we could maybe possibly go to the store and maybe possibly get a drink. Maybe?"

First of all, English was not made to be mangled like that. (To those who think Imma is a word, I'm coming after you next!) Second...well, there's not much to be said about this. Do you want us to do this or not?

And seriously, are you unsure of your own thoughts? (Oh, I might have been thinking about that, but really, I'm not that sure. Can you back me up?)

"Kinda sorta" is an even more passive way of showing your insecurity, if that is at all possible. (I'm kinda sorta annoyed right now because you kinda sorta spilled the milk.)

Next up is "may or may not". I understand you have a problem with stating anything directly, but do you really need to state the obvious? And so blatantly, at that? You could at least have the decency to mask it so it seems like you're saying something profound! (Woah! All comedic duos have, get this, two people in them!)

"Well, I may or may not have enough money to pay for this..."

Damn, this guy is a fucking philosopher! How did he figure this out? Damn!

Please, I beg of every reader, omit these tics from your speech! Every time you utter one of these, God (or Al Qaeda, if you're not Christian/Jewish/Muslim/etc) boosts the ego of a narcissist.

Next post, hopefully tomorrow, will be less cynical. Promise.