Friday, July 30, 2010

America, The Best: Our Sexist Roots

I am glad to have found yet another way that America is the best country in the world. It has recently come to my attention that England is ruled by a queen.

The misleading sexist bastards. All this time, I thought they had a king! They've been duping us left and right, helter-skelter, and I come with the truth. Why does a queen deserve to be king of England? It's not as if females are any better than males! Honestly, it's scandalous!

That's a reason as good as any to have broken off of England. Sure, they had a king at the time, but we knew, oh we knew, that they would come to this, and show their true selves, so we broke off into our own nation to prove a point.

And now we can justify our behavior. We may have dumped a bunch of tea into Boston Harbor, but not only did that make tea-flavored water, (Err...tea, that is) but it spared us from the sexist English legacy.

Oh, and if you happen to argue that the ends don't justify the means, consider this.
Where does tea come from? Asia.
Where does most of the tea in Asia come from? China.
What is the country with the most women? China.
Is it sexist to have more of one gender than another? Yes.
See? Take that Bernanos!

Now, I won't say America is perfect on that account.
Wait, what am I saying? Of course it is. Bring me proof that the number of men and women in the United States are unequal, and I'll consider it. But until then...

Wait, what's that? also part of the United Kingdom?
Oho! Nice try, England. But I can see right through your tricks. Trying to kiss up to the United States, now, are you? Well, mimicking us by adding United onto your name won't help, and that whole kingdom thing? A sham.

I know who holds the true power. The parliament. For shame! Making a woman queen, and then denying her power! That's even more sexist, for reasons so shocking I don't even know them! I've called your parliament-posing-as-queen-posing-as-king bluff! Just call yourself the Parliamentdom and be done with it!

You can keep the United part, actually. It sounds nice. Got that catchy ring to it.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. I was about to let you go there with America proven as the superior country. Then I found this. It's not big enough to make into a post, and you're reading this already, so I might as well rant further.

And I quote, "Research shows that men are far more easily distracted behind the wheel than women."
Yeah, right. Look who this is coming from! I bet your research shows that men are also far more easily distracted by-



Sorry, squirrel. Where was I?
Oh, right. Shame on you, Telegraph, for publishing this! More proof of the sexist nature of England. I bet it's the only place in the world where they say men are more attracted to women the women are. For shame!

Of course, I had to develop a solution to this. What is it?
Cover the windshield of your car with Playboys. Problem solved.

Afterwards: That was one hell of a meandering, confusing post. Hope it made sense to someone out there.
Props go to the Atlantan (Is that the correct form?) who suggested this =)


  1. This is from the article
    "in 2009 men made 16.4 per cent more claims during the Summer than in any other month."

    When was Summer a month?

  2. billboards with shirtless men on them cause more accidents than billboards with shirtless women on them. I forget where I got this from, but it may have been one of the Freakonomics books.

  3. Wait, where are there billboards with shirtless wom- Ah, gotcha