The Gringo Mask

A company in Maine has released a fantastic new product!

It is called a gringo mask!

Now, what is this? It's a cutout of a blond-haired, blue-eyed person. Male or female. (For those of you who are confused about their gender, now would be a good time to choose.) You cut the mask out, and put it on your face to mask your true race. Useful for bypassing all sorts of racial profiling.

So, what could this be about? Well, it's a blatant effort to aid illegal immigrants in Arizona in avoiding being deported! And it seems like it will be quite effective. I mean, once you put on a mask, you're a totally different person! Even if your mask happens to look exactly like the person's next to you, makes your face look like it's hovering two inches in front of where it should be, and is two-dimensional! Disregard the fact that the facial expression never changes, either! It's going to make killer profits for this company!

This will definitely solve the problem of illegal immigration in Arizona. If we can get all the illegal immigrants to wear these gringo masks, we can totally forget about the racial profiling law; it'll be torn down as soon as it proves to be completely ineffective when every person in Arizona is the same race! What about it, huh?

The only thing which gets me is the fact that this company is up in Maine. I mean, why not in Arizona? What does Maine know about illegal immigrants? I'm sure they've got Canadians pouring in left and right, eager to escape their free healthcare. I say, have them hand the service over to an Arizonan company who will be better able to relate to their customers, like Arizona Iced Tea. Don't tell me that illegal immigrants don't drink iced tea!

Unfortunately, the site selling these masks has been pulled. Wait, what? That makes no sense?

Oh, so you were giving the masks away for free? No wonder! How the hell can you expect to make a profit if you're giving away your only product for free? You've just deprived yourself of this wonderful business opportunity, and the chance to laugh in Arizona's face as they can't tell illegal immigrant from legal citizen! I mean, can you see any difference between these two people?

Nope, I couldn't either! I mean, the fact that I couldn't tell the difference between a soulless mask meant to hide an illegal immigrant, and the president (who is about as legal as you get, and no, I don't mean in that way), says something about that mask. And don't you start giving me that crap about Obama not having a birth certificate, and not being a legal resident of the United States.

Here's a flowchart I found that explains it quite simply.

There we go.

Fini.

Boycotting Arizona

So, now Seattle is boycotting Arizona. It's actually kinda old news, but this isn't FOX news (And boy am I glad it isn't.)

But, anyways, for the average Seattleite, what does that really mean?

As I doubt most of us are going to Arizona any time soon, not much, really.

Wait. I take that back.

No Arizona Iced Tea.

...

Crap.

Well, okay, it doesn't really hit me, per se. But in an interview, a Seattleite (who will remain anonymous) stated, "I'll, like, die [without Arizona Iced Tea]!"

That statement may or may not have been pulled from a cellphone conversation of a random person at the bus stop.

But, if you don't believe that, look at what this poll says. I've made it a pretty chart and everything to make it look believable!

See! As time increases, thirst increases too! Disregard the utter lack of content, and look at the rising red line! Red is bad! See, if we don't have Arizona Iced Tea, that's bad! In fact, in a poll, 100% of responses showed that Arizona Iced Tea was essential to life. Never mind how many people were polled.

Oh, don't tell me you want to look at the graph again! Here, look at the shiny stars on the graph. Shiiiiiinnnnyyyy.....now walk away from the graph and stop pointing out the fallacies within it which do not exist.

So, how else is Seattle impacted?

Well, we lose the use of some of our red-light cameras.

This is also bad, almost as bad as losing the iced tea. How will we ever catch people who run red lights? And furthermore, how will the city sustain itself?

A pretty freaking huge part of Seattle's budget comes from those lights. Almost $124 a month!

That's like....

Well, almost one one-hundredth of a percent of our annual budget! We'll never survive!

We must call this boycott off before we all die of dehydration and lack of funding!

--------------

Afterword: The voices in my head have just informed me that Arizona Iced Tea is actually made in New York. Wow. Way to rip off the name of a state, New York. We should boycott you too.