Zombie Phrases

Really, these never should have seen the light of day. But they did. Time to take the blog-shotgun and pop them in the head.

"I'll stop beating around the bush now..."- By saying that, you just delayed what you're about to say even longer. Cut that sentence out, save yourself a few breaths. There you go. Now I don't have to listen to you as long. This in itself is paradoxical. There is no need to state what you're doing. Moving on.

Heh. Irony.

Anyways...

"I'm going to cut the crap now..."- And then feed me a metric fuckton of bullshit. I get it. You're a politician. That's what you do. Now give the fake statistics, fallacious arguments, and opinions of a few worded to seem like the opinions of many, or that they matter at all.

"I didn't mean to mislead you..."- Sure. That's why you lied to me. Four times. I'm sure you meant to say the truth and your mouth warped it beyond belief.

"I'm going to be completely frank with you..."- Wait, so everything you said before that was in jest? Were they all lies? Enough said. (Same with "In all seriousness")

"It is what it is..."- Really now? I always thought it was something else. It couldn't have been it! It's been disguising itself all this time! Screw it; it's such a douche!

"I'm doing 110% here..."- Sorry, not possible. You'd need to be two people for that. Not two personalities, though you may have that, given how bipolar you can be. Just say 100%. It's one syllable less and thus will let you get back to your "110%" one syllable faster.

"Basically..."- Wait, you mean that it's only that way if you look at the surface? I knew you were a lying weasel, out with the truth!

"With all due respect..."- So in other words, none? You're about to rage at me with thinly veiled insults, I get it. Now get rid of those extra phrases so I can get back to preparing to set fire to your house quicker.

"Not to interrupt, but..."- Passive-aggressive much? I'm sure you didn't mean to interrupt, and your mouth opened of its own accord. Tricked your body into thinking it needs air, then began to speak? Yeah, I'm sure.

"Not to [verb], but..."- See the above. Your body just moved on its own, did it now?

Now, being the hypocrite I am, I'm going to turn around and use all of these in the next 24 hours. Save yourself.

Nukes Solve Everything

Yeah. That's right. They solve freaking everything.

Don't believe me?

...

You never do.

Well, let's think this through. What problems have occurred since the development of nukes? And how have they been solved?

War: See Hiroshima and Nagasaki. World War II ended shortly afterwards. Nukes solve. All the other wars weren't significant enough to warrant a nuking. I mean, they were nowhere near big enough! Come World War III, the only weapon used will be nukes.

Energy: We have harnessed the energy of a nuke and transformed it into a nuclear reactor. Don't worry. This energy is 100% safe. The nuke won't go off unless a Transformer comes from Hoover Dam and tries to kick it across the Atlantic. Then it's Europe's problem, not ours.

(And what do we do with the giant robot? Nuke it.)

Poverty: If the humans don't exist to be impoverished, there can't be poverty. Simple.

Environment: Yes, nukes save the environment too. And not just by nuking factories which spew out chemicals and pollutants. What shape do nukes take when they explode? A mushroom (It's not called a mushroom cloud for nothing!). What do mushrooms do? Intake carbon dioxide, and release oxygen. What does a giant mushroom do? Intake lots of carbon dioxide, and release lots of oxygen. What do nukes make? Giant mushrooms. Not just the cloud, either. I'm sure you've heard of all the (Perfectly safe) genetic mutations which radiation can generate. Well, plants have been shown by this study (Which I cannot link to, due to it's lack of existence) which shows that plants in the aftermath of a nuke intake 200% the normal carbon dioxide. The only question here is....why haven't we nuked all the plants of the world?

Politics: Nuke the politicians.

And finally...

Natural Disaster: See this. Yeah. You read that right. We're going to fucking nuke that oil spill! We're going to nuke it out of existence! Yeah, eat nuke, oil spill! That'll teach you to be....erm....oily!

Now, you might ask why we didn't nuke Katrina, or the Haitian earthquake. Well, there are perfectly valid reasons. For the earthquake, our underground nuke-bot had temporarily broken down, so we couldn't prevent the quake. And as for Katrina, we could've nuked her into the spring breeze, but Bush was too much of a pansy to risk losing Louisiana in the blast radius of the nuke.

So the next time you have a problem, nuke it. And if that doesn't work, nuke it again. And again. And again!