Monday, June 7, 2010

Zombie Phrases

Really, these never should have seen the light of day. But they did. Time to take the blog-shotgun and pop them in the head.

"I'll stop beating around the bush now..."- By saying that, you just delayed what you're about to say even longer. Cut that sentence out, save yourself a few breaths. There you go. Now I don't have to listen to you as long. This in itself is paradoxical. There is no need to state what you're doing. Moving on.

Heh. Irony.


"I'm going to cut the crap now..."- And then feed me a metric fuckton of bullshit. I get it. You're a politician. That's what you do. Now give the fake statistics, fallacious arguments, and opinions of a few worded to seem like the opinions of many, or that they matter at all.

"I didn't mean to mislead you..."- Sure. That's why you lied to me. Four times. I'm sure you meant to say the truth and your mouth warped it beyond belief.

"I'm going to be completely frank with you..."- Wait, so everything you said before that was in jest? Were they all lies? Enough said. (Same with "In all seriousness")

"It is what it is..."- Really now? I always thought it was something else. It couldn't have been it! It's been disguising itself all this time! Screw it; it's such a douche!

"I'm doing 110% here..."- Sorry, not possible. You'd need to be two people for that. Not two personalities, though you may have that, given how bipolar you can be. Just say 100%. It's one syllable less and thus will let you get back to your "110%" one syllable faster.

"Basically..."- Wait, you mean that it's only that way if you look at the surface? I knew you were a lying weasel, out with the truth!

"With all due respect..."- So in other words, none? You're about to rage at me with thinly veiled insults, I get it. Now get rid of those extra phrases so I can get back to preparing to set fire to your house quicker.

"Not to interrupt, but..."- Passive-aggressive much? I'm sure you didn't mean to interrupt, and your mouth opened of its own accord. Tricked your body into thinking it needs air, then began to speak? Yeah, I'm sure.

"Not to [verb], but..."- See the above. Your body just moved on its own, did it now?

Now, being the hypocrite I am, I'm going to turn around and use all of these in the next 24 hours. Save yourself.

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