Other Pokemon Irregularities

Yeah. I promise I'll end this soon. There's just so much to write about!

The Pokemon world is kind of messed up, really. Why?

Everything is a pun. Based off words the scientists naming the Pokemon don't know. As far as I can tell, neither salamanders nor turtles nor birds exist in Pokemon worlds. Only Charmander and Squirtle and Pidgey. How the hell did the scientists come up with those names?

Oh. That's right. The Pokemon only say their names.

"Hm. What should I call this creature?"

"PIKACHU!"

"I know! I'll call it a Pikachu!"

Real imaginative of them. But then again, they only have a 5th grade education, so I suppose it makes some sort of demented half-sense. I'm pretty damn glad we don't call dogs "woofwoofs", cats "meows", and alligators "ohshitgetthisoffme".

And what do people and Pokemon eat?

Okay, before I get into that, why aren't people considered Pokemon? Because they can say more than one word? Because they're bipedal? Because they have thumbs? None of those are unique to people.

Fuck. Now I want to be able to catch trainers in Pokeballs.

Anyways. Back to the diet issue. I highly doubt all the inhabitants of the Pokeworld subsist on berries/trees/milk alone. Where do they get their protein? I assume some people must like to eat meat.

Think of all the food possibilities! Tauros steak. Tossed Oddish salad. Deviled Pigeot eggs. Fresh caught Magikarp. Spoink and Eggs.

Does this mean there are huge Tauros ranches where Tauros sit in stalls, eating Rare Candies all day before being sent to the slaughterhouse? Are there rows and rows of Grass Pokemon sprayed with pesticide to keep the Weevil off? Are there fried Caterpie delicacies? Is eating Growlithe a no-no in Western culture?

And with the speed at which Pokemon breed, the only endangered ones would be legendaries.

Also, all mammalian Pokemon are platypodes. All of them lay eggs, instead of giving live birth. Do you have any idea how easy it would make IV training if Pokemon gave live birth?

Also, Pokemon reproduction is just messed up. All Pokemon can breed, so long as it's male-female or genderless Pokemon with anything. How the hell do Magnemite make eggs anyways?

No. Please. Never mind. Do not need to find out.

More Pokemon

Alright. So I'm writing about Pokemon until I think of something better to write about.

Anyways, another thing which has always irked me about Pokemon is the ability of NPCs to stay where they are. All the time.

I'm not talking about this, either.

But that lady paces back and forth the entire fucking day.

Whenever you as a trainer find that, "Golly gee, all my Pokemon fainted!" you yourself faint and find yourself magically carried to a Pokecenter. First off, it's pretty creepy that someone you just met carries you all the way to a Pokemon center, even from out at sea. Second, why aren't you obligated to do this to trainers you defeat? For that matter, why don't they faint? They just keep standing there and mutter about their loss!

For that matter, why do you get money when you win a Pokemon battle? It's not as if you're robbing them, and if you were, it certainly wouldn't be through any way so chivalrous as to challenge them to a battle! And for most people, that money seems to be an entire paycheck.

Speaking of paychecks, where does all this money come from? How do they earn money standing in the middle of a forest? Perhaps by beating other roaming trainers, who gain money from beating other trainers who...

Sorry, doesn't work like that.

As a closing thought, if a little runt of a trainer at 10 can gain a full team of Pokemon and beat the region's toughest trainers - the Elite Four - within a few weeks of heading out of town...the Elite Four must not be very  elite.

Pokemon In Unreality

One thing that's always bugged me about Pokemon is the trainer's inability to catch a fainted Pokemon. I mean, is it that hard to hit an object that isn't moving? Why do you even have to throw the Pokeball? Just run up to the creature and touch the damn thing is it that hard oh that's right you're TEN.

I've probably brought this up before, but Pokemon trainers go out into the wild at ten. Why? Why would you ever do such a thing, especially when half the things out there could eat you in one go? And how the hell are there space stations when people can't get further than their first few years of education before going out to traipse in the wild?

Okay, anyways, back to the fainted Pokemon. They might as well be dead, really.

Have you noticed that when a Pokemon in your party faints, no amount of walking around will do it any good? It will stay fainted for fucking forever. There's another word for that. Dead.

But then again, who knows? There might be some nurse-type whose sole job is to go around picking up fainted Pokemon, and bringing them back to the Pokecenters for revival. Not really easy, I'd imagine. Onyx are damn big, and so are most other Pokemon. And it's not like you can put them in a Pokeball for easy storage, because they're fainted and the world is stupid that way.

I'm really surprised that you don't find more of these fainted Pokemon about, either. The first town you're in never has a Pokecenter, so the route by it must be riddled with Rattata and Pidgey...

Just for shits and giggles, I did the math on this. Given that all Pokemon trainers live in the same world, only counting people, and given that the average trainer faints, say, 10 Rattata and 10 Pidgey before they move onto the next area...

Well, first, how many Pokemon trainers are there? You get one save per game, and not counting illegitimate copies of Pokemon, and using this source...

28 million from Pokemon R/G/B/Y

12 million from Pokemon FR/LG

That's 40 million trainers who walked through that first route in Kanto.

Or 400 million fainted Pidgey, and 400 million fainted Rattata.

Both Pidgey and Rattata are one foot high; let's assume the fainted body of each takes up half a cubic foot of space, and that they can be stacked.

400 million cubic feet filled with "fainted" Pidgey and Rattata.

Here's a picture of Route 1. There's about 1512 blocks there (28 x 54ish), and since one person takes up one block, we can assume that each represents about 10 feet by 10 feet of space, because otherwise your house is ridiculously small. So a block is 100 square feet, or 1000 cubic feet.

1.512 million cubic feet of space on Route 1.

That's just a little less than 400 million.

Even if we assume that you have 1000 feet of space above which can be inhabited by Pokemon, it's not enough. You'd need to stack Pokemon far into the atmosphere to find room.

Where do all the Pokemon go?

Afterword: There are so many places I could have put pictures, but for my lack of artistic skill. =( I'll have to acquire some soon.

Politically Incorrect Pokemon

Today, Pokemon Racism Still Exists Pokemon Black and Pokemon White came out. It has all the spiffy bits of each new generation of Pokemon games - new beasties to catch, a new land (not based off Japan this time!) and new baddies to fight. It's got all the shininess of Red Gyarados, and quite a few new features as well, as detailed here. I'll also go into them below, to spare all you readers from having to make that huge exertion to click that link.

Triple Battles
This is the first major change. Yes. You can send three Pokemon into battle at a time now.

Wat.

Okay, first, why couldn't we do this earlier? I mean, was it against intergalactic Pokemon law to throw more than two Pokemon out? Perhaps the laws in Unova are more lenient about these things.

Second, can anyone else see where this is going? I can.

GO EVERY SINGLE POKEMON I OWN!

I also never really understood what stopped baddies from throwing out all their Pokemon into battle. I mean, you've already broken a few laws by TRYING TO STEAL MY POKEMON.

Let's move on to the baddies.

Team Plasma
Team Plasma is the latest set of baddies. They want to separate Pokemon and humans.

Okay, first off. Plasma. Are you serious? Plasma? This is coming from the game where the baddies haven't figured out biological warfare or even chloroform for heaven's sake! How do they know what plasma is?

Second, does their goal sound familiar to you? Separating Pokemon and humans? Maybe this wasn't the best goal, especially in conjunction with the whole Black/White motif. Fighting for segregation...

But, just a thought. What if they're the good guys? Intent on saving the Pokemon from their enslaved states? Sure, they may seem to be content, but they'd be more content on their own, no? Who knows? We certainly won't know until Pokemon can say something other than "Pika-pika-pika-chu!" (Yes, I know, Meowth and Mewtwo exist. Stop poking holes in my arguments.)

Infinite TMs
Okay, this is the last groundbreaking thing. I'm not sure you understand how groundbreaking it is. I can now satisfy my life-long dream of having a team of all HYPER BEAM!!!111!1one!1one1!1!!eleven!!!