Monday, October 18, 2010


You've probably heard of Minecraft right now. If you haven't heard of it, you clearly have not been living in that hole of a basement below the stairs. BACK TO YOUR COMPUTER! NOW! BAD!

Minecraft is a pretty recent indie sandbox game, which by most accounts, is, as one hivemind reported, "Addicting as hell. Can I go back to mining now?"

No others could be pried from their keyboards for long enough to utter any words except for "NEWFAG GTFO OUR BOARDS"

Yes, even the clown forum. They even sprayed me with their prank flowers.

In Minecraft, one goes running about punching trees, punching pigs, punching zombies, and punching stone until you figure out that this guy has an anger management problem get better building materials. From there, it scales, with you building whatever crap you want to, out of whatever you want to. This can take anywhere from minutes to months, depending on which piece of euphemistic structure you build. (Because that's all anyone ever builds, right?)

Finally, as you look upon the glory of your structure, you'll sigh a sigh of satisfaction. (No, that wasn't a continuation of the whole euphemism thing.) And then, you'll accidentally set fire to the place.  Or you'll fall into a pit of lava. Or some creeper will come blow your place up.

Get it right, folks.

This, of course, leads to the 5 Stages of Minecraft Grief, when the fact that your wonderful structure is only a fraction of its former glory finally sets in. (Okay, I get that you see euphemisms freaking everywhere. You can shut up now.) For those of you who are adversely affected by these stages, realize that they do not last. Here the stages are:

1- Denial
Example: Nope. I've still got my diamond armor and sword. Here, watch me take out this spider. Why am I not killing it? The game must be glitched. AAAAHHH! It made me die! I lost all my items! I hate these glitches!

How to cope: Accept that you've lost your base/items/etc. See? They're not there any more. Deep breaths, there we,,, out- OHMYGODWHATAREYOUDOINGWITHTHATCHAIR? (This is where you move to the second stage.)

2- Anger
Example: Aaaaaahhhhh! I lost all my stuff! All my progress! The countless hours (honestly, I lost track after the second hour) spent creating, and fine-tuning! All because of a stupid creeper! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

How to cope: Smash something. Or punch a tree. All better? Good. Punch another tree in case. And another. And another. (At this point, you may exit the stages of grief until next time.)

3- Bargaining
This stage is pure bullshit. Just skip past it, it's not worth the five days of waiting and $50 in roses. You won't get a thank you card.

4- Depression
Example: Oh, this game isn't worth it. I'll go play something else. Or get something to eat. No, that's no good. A creeper will probably blow up my pizza before I get to it or something. Ugh I think I'll just sit here and do nothing.

How to cope: Spend a few hours playing Minecraft to push your depression away.

5- Acceptance
Example: Too busy playing Minecraft, I'll tell you how my depression is going tomorrow. While you're here, check out my newest building!

And there you have it. I'm going to go punch some trees now.

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