"Needless to say..."
No. Stop. I agree with you, you don't need to say it, so skip it.
"5evr" or any variation thereof
Yes, you made a funny, oh yes you did. Aren't you proud of yourself? Oh yes you are. Oh you're so funny. I just laugh so much whenever I see that. You can stop now. This horse died far before you started beating it. Stop flailing at it! The chunks of rotting flesh flying off are staining the base of my ivory tower.
"like dis if u cry everytiem"
-ass appended to adjectives (e.g. "That's a sweet-ass ride you've got there.")
I do not understand the rationale behind this. Please, expand your vocabulary beyond vulgarities, and then we'll talk. XKCD has a little to say on this matter as well.
"No offense, but..."
Nice try, person trying to get away with an insult. Learn to create constructive criticism.
"I don't mean to interrupt, but..."
No, no, go ahead. I usually wear this intense look of concentration on my face when I'm thinking of unimportant things that you can disturb with your inane babble.
"X, but....Y" (Where Y is contradictory to or mutually exclusive with X)
Stop dancing around the message and say it. Mincing your words won't mince the meaning. Mince mince mince mince semantic satiation mince.
That's all the condescension and snobbishness I have for today. I think I've gotten worse at it. Oh dear.
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