Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Most Glorious Leader....Dead?

Many news sources have reported the death of Kim Jong Il, the Most Glorious Leader of Best Korea. Truly, the world has lost someone unlike any other. His death will be mourned by the masses, and a space shuttle will be launched into the sun in his honor. (Well, probably not, but one can always hope.) Kim Jong Il leaves a wake behind him that will rock the world. While the honorable course of action would be to mourn, we must also look to the future, to what lays in store for the rest of us.

First, US politics are about to be shocked to the core. With Kim Jong Il dead, the US has lost its main source of crazy imports, meaning politicians everywhere will have to be more rational in order to conserve a rapidly dwindling supply of crazy. With Palin and Cain out of politics, our crazy supplies will last a lot longer, but an era of crazy conservatism is ahead of us. Perhaps the logic sector could use this as a chance to jump the market void and increase informed voter decisions.

Second, we now know that Kim Jong Il, in his dying moments, has managed to create a time machine to report his death from the future. It is clear that such technology now exists since, Kim Jong Il died on Monday, December 19th, 2011. It even says so here! Look at the publishing date....that's Sunday, December 18th, 2011. The only way we can account for this discrepancy is that North Korean officials came back to the past to report Kim Jong Il's death a day early, in order to prevent catastrophe. Clearly, sending this information into the past cleared the 1% divergence barrier, preventing a big brother dystopia in the future! Our Savior saves us even from beyond the shroud of death. The world will have to handle this new technology with care.

Third, the world will reel from losing such a talented person. In losing Kim Jong Il, we have lost a self-proclaimed internet expert, something there is a clear shortage of.  We have lost his impeccable fashion sense, and now lobsters all over the world ready to be air-shipped to him no longer have a stomach to call home! In addition, the world will suffer from amazing love deficits. All the love the world has sent him no longer has anywhere to go, and the love economy will suffer accordingly!

It is with great sadness that I bid you goodbye, oh His Excellency the Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love, Mastermind of the Revolution, Savior and Great Defender, oh Beloved and Respected Father of the People and of the Nation, Fate of the Nation, World Leader, Great Marshal, Amazing Politician, Guiding Shining Star of the 21st Century and Paektu Mountain, Guiding Sun Ray, Guarantee and Symbol of the Fatherland's Unification, Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander-in-Chief, Bright Great Sun of Juche Life the Nation Socialism and of the Communist Future, Great Man, Who Is a Man of Deeds, Beloved Ever-triumphant Glorious Great Invincible Respected General who descended from Heaven, Party Center, Beloved Brilliant Dear Great Peerless Respected Supreme Unique Wise Leader of our Party the Country the Army and of our Nation who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have of the Revolutionary Armed Forces and all around Superior Person. Farewell.

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