America, The Best: Our Sexist Roots

I am glad to have found yet another way that America is the best country in the world. It has recently come to my attention that England is ruled by a queen.

The misleading sexist bastards. All this time, I thought they had a king! They've been duping us left and right, helter-skelter, and I come with the truth. Why does a queen deserve to be king of England? It's not as if females are any better than males! Honestly, it's scandalous!

That's a reason as good as any to have broken off of England. Sure, they had a king at the time, but we knew, oh we knew, that they would come to this, and show their true selves, so we broke off into our own nation to prove a point.

And now we can justify our behavior. We may have dumped a bunch of tea into Boston Harbor, but not only did that make tea-flavored water, (Err...tea, that is) but it spared us from the sexist English legacy.

Oh, and if you happen to argue that the ends don't justify the means, consider this.
Where does tea come from? Asia.
Where does most of the tea in Asia come from? China.
What is the country with the most women? China.
Is it sexist to have more of one gender than another? Yes.
See? Take that Bernanos!

Now, I won't say America is perfect on that account.
Wait, what am I saying? Of course it is. Bring me proof that the number of men and women in the United States are unequal, and I'll consider it. But until then...

Wait, what's that? England....is also part of the United Kingdom?
Oho! Nice try, England. But I can see right through your tricks. Trying to kiss up to the United States, now, are you? Well, mimicking us by adding United onto your name won't help, and that whole kingdom thing? A sham.

I know who holds the true power. The parliament. For shame! Making a woman queen, and then denying her power! That's even more sexist, for reasons so shocking I don't even know them! I've called your parliament-posing-as-queen-posing-as-king bluff! Just call yourself the Parliamentdom and be done with it!

You can keep the United part, actually. It sounds nice. Got that catchy ring to it.





Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. I was about to let you go there with America proven as the superior country. Then I found this. It's not big enough to make into a post, and you're reading this already, so I might as well rant further.

And I quote, "Research shows that men are far more easily distracted behind the wheel than women."
Yeah, right. Look who this is coming from! I bet your research shows that men are also far more easily distracted by-

...

...

Sorry, squirrel. Where was I?
Oh, right. Shame on you, Telegraph, for publishing this! More proof of the sexist nature of England. I bet it's the only place in the world where they say men are more attracted to women the women are. For shame!

Of course, I had to develop a solution to this. What is it?
Cover the windshield of your car with Playboys. Problem solved.



Afterwards: That was one hell of a meandering, confusing post. Hope it made sense to someone out there.
Props go to the Atlantan (Is that the correct form?) who suggested this =)

America, The Best: Independence Day

Yeah! Independence Day! Go America! Whoo! Fuck yeah!
But....Independence Day has a dark side. Everything does, doesn't it?
Independence Day's dark side is particularly dark. Darker than something dark, so that's pretty damn dark.

Independence Day is being taken over by the terrorists, and the average American has no idea about this. They'll keep on eating burgers & hot dogs without a care, setting off fireworks and blasting music without realizing that by celebrating Independence Day, the terrorist win.

Think about that. I'll give you a moment or five.

The terrorists have woven an intricate plot. Not only are they attacking our us physically with bullets and bombs, and mentally with paranoia and fear, they are attacking America spiritually, by undermining everything that is American, and using our American holidays against us. Independence Day is the start. Who knows what will fall next? I hope to dear god it isn't Easter. Think of all the chocolate we'd miss out on!

I can sense your doubt from here. It's true, I swear. I'll cover this point by point.
First, what does Independence Day celebrate? The Independence of America. From the Brits (Yeah, take that you Brits! You can keep your tea, and so can Arizona!). What better to represent the Independence of America than the Statue of Liberty? But the terrorists, oh, they are so clever. They switched the true Statue of Liberty with a facsimile made in France! They've replaced a national monument with a badly-manu-

...
The original Statue of Liberty was made in France?
...
Well, that just proves they have time machines. Even worse!

Skimming over that point, what else do Americans do on the 4th?
They eat hot dogs and burgers. Those make us fat consumed in large quantities. And they are consumed in quite large quantities. The terrorists are slowly fattening us up, to make it so that when they invade they can roast us on spits we won't be able to waddle fast enough to our guns. Also, we'll die of heart disease from the shock of their invasion.

Finally, Independence Day represents a day for pyros everywhere. We get to set fire to stuff, and it isn't illegal! Hell yes! But this love of fire is also being bent against us. Every year, "misfired" fireworks set fire to shrubbery, houses, small animals, lawn chairs....the list goes on. Now, some may just be from hitting the booze a bit hard, but most of these "accidents" are by sleeper terrorists. They might burn their own houses down, but they've got the cash to rebuild. What matters is that they can burn someone else's house down, and thus wreak havoc. We've been lucky thus far that their plots to send fireworks into planes hasn't worked thus far, but it's only a matter of time. We must act now! By....doing....err....something. But we'll do something confidently so it actually looks like we're making a difference!

So tomorrow, when you're lighting that megaton firework bought from the shady guy in the turban (Because everyone in a turban is a terrorist) behind the gas station, pause, and think. Do you want the terrorists to win?

Then light it, for lulz.

America, The Best: Mixing Pot

I know you know America is the best country ever. I mean it. Ever.
America is so great, it gets five names. The USA, the United States of America, the United States, America, and that really cool place.

This series will be dedicated to telling you how great America is. (As if you didn't already know that.)

Well, the best thing about America, or one of the best things (Honestly, there's so much good stuff, it's hard to pick just one!) is its diversity. I mean, if you step out into the streets, you get blasted with fifty different cultures (Literally. There are that many hybrids. I mean for just the A's there are, African-American, Asian-American, Albanian-American, American-American, American-American-American, Alaskan-American, Australian-American, Austrian-American, Awesome-American...) and then dive bomb into the wok of culture. (Used wok that time to show that I'm not bigoted, and it doesn't have to be a pot.)

This mixing of cultures leads to an array of great things, all of them....now I'm just being redundant.

First off, there's the diversity. Go downtown, and get food from every damn continent (Yes, Antarctica too. That's what the freezer section of the grocery store is for) in less than an hour. Then, go home, and watch TV in every major language, then shout at gamers of all ethnicities (And be cursed back at) while playing video games.

Second, there's the racism. I can hear your cries of outrage already. Racism? How is that good?
It isn't. But we have so many cultures that it hardly matters. Did you just get cussed out for being Mexican? Go to Chinatown and take it out on someone for eating dog. That guy can go to the nearest bar and accuse people of being Irish, who can in turn bash some frat boy eating a hot dog. It's like the circle of life, except misconceptions and stereotypes. Rather than having any one group take it all, we distribute it, like...

No. Don't you dare. No no no no no. No. SHUT UP!
Communism.
Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!1!11!11ONE!1!ONE!!!

Errr, excuse the screaming. On to...err....yeah.

Well, with America being the stew pot of culture it is, all countries bring a little something to the United States. Italians bring pizza. French people bring French fries. English people bring tea. Mexicans bring burritos. Chinese people bring dogs. Australians bring kangaroos. (Not to eat, you sicko! Although I hear kangaroo meat tastes like dog.) Russians bring nukes. (Definitely not to eat.) And Americans bring racism. Though they were already here, and so was the racism.




Forgive the short, and less-funny-than usual post. It's late, and I could fall asleep right here. This would probably have been better had I saved it until morning, but I just had to write it now. =p