Saturday, July 3, 2010

America, The Best: Independence Day

Yeah! Independence Day! Go America! Whoo! Fuck yeah!
But....Independence Day has a dark side. Everything does, doesn't it?
Independence Day's dark side is particularly dark. Darker than something dark, so that's pretty damn dark.

Independence Day is being taken over by the terrorists, and the average American has no idea about this. They'll keep on eating burgers & hot dogs without a care, setting off fireworks and blasting music without realizing that by celebrating Independence Day, the terrorist win.

Think about that. I'll give you a moment or five.

The terrorists have woven an intricate plot. Not only are they attacking our us physically with bullets and bombs, and mentally with paranoia and fear, they are attacking America spiritually, by undermining everything that is American, and using our American holidays against us. Independence Day is the start. Who knows what will fall next? I hope to dear god it isn't Easter. Think of all the chocolate we'd miss out on!

I can sense your doubt from here. It's true, I swear. I'll cover this point by point.
First, what does Independence Day celebrate? The Independence of America. From the Brits (Yeah, take that you Brits! You can keep your tea, and so can Arizona!). What better to represent the Independence of America than the Statue of Liberty? But the terrorists, oh, they are so clever. They switched the true Statue of Liberty with a facsimile made in France! They've replaced a national monument with a badly-manu-

The original Statue of Liberty was made in France?
Well, that just proves they have time machines. Even worse!

Skimming over that point, what else do Americans do on the 4th?
They eat hot dogs and burgers. Those make us fat consumed in large quantities. And they are consumed in quite large quantities. The terrorists are slowly fattening us up, to make it so that when they invade they can roast us on spits we won't be able to waddle fast enough to our guns. Also, we'll die of heart disease from the shock of their invasion.

Finally, Independence Day represents a day for pyros everywhere. We get to set fire to stuff, and it isn't illegal! Hell yes! But this love of fire is also being bent against us. Every year, "misfired" fireworks set fire to shrubbery, houses, small animals, lawn chairs....the list goes on. Now, some may just be from hitting the booze a bit hard, but most of these "accidents" are by sleeper terrorists. They might burn their own houses down, but they've got the cash to rebuild. What matters is that they can burn someone else's house down, and thus wreak havoc. We've been lucky thus far that their plots to send fireworks into planes hasn't worked thus far, but it's only a matter of time. We must act now! By....doing....err....something. But we'll do something confidently so it actually looks like we're making a difference!

So tomorrow, when you're lighting that megaton firework bought from the shady guy in the turban (Because everyone in a turban is a terrorist) behind the gas station, pause, and think. Do you want the terrorists to win?

Then light it, for lulz.

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