Whoooo! Yeah! Go Republicans! Way to uphold your long-standing themes of receptivity and knowing what's best for the American people! You did your best to save us from those death panels, but sadly, it wasn't enough. But this is you fighting back! Hell yeah!
The Republicans of the Senate released a letter on November 29th, which I wholeheartedly support in its undying glory, and true assertion of the just Republican stance.
The letter itself is filled with jargon, and generally made hard to understand, so I've copied it here, with translations for sections in red (in common slang, of course).
Dear Leader Reid, Sup Harry Reid, mah homie!
The nation’s unemployment level, stuck near 10 percent, is unacceptable to Americans. 1 in 10 Americans are unemployed, and it sucks, man! Senate Republicans have been urging Congress to make private-sector job creation a priority all year. We been tellin' y'all to do something about it. President Obama in his first speech after the November election said “we owe” it to the American people to “focus on those issues that affect their jobs.” Look! Even mah homie Obama said so! He went on to say that Americans “want jobs to come back faster.” Americans want jobs faster. Our constituents have repeatedly asked us to focus on creating an environment for private-sector job growth; it is time that our constituents’ priorities become the Senate’s priorities. So we be listenin' to them, and what they want is what we want!
--Note-- Changed from ghetto vernacular to satire here. Too damn hard to write in that vernacular for the following sections.
For that reason, we write to inform you that we will not agree to invoke cloture on the motion to proceed to any legislative item until the Senate has acted to fund the government and we have prevented the tax increase that is currently awaiting all American taxpayers. This is so important that we're not going let anything else pass Senate until you guys stop pushing the tax increase that we're hyping to make it seem like we don't have personal interests in these matters. With little time left in this Congressional session, legislative scheduling should be focused on these critical priorities. To legitimize this, so it doesn't look like blackmail: there's not much time left in this session, so we need to focus on important things, like taxes, not DADT, the Dream Act, START, or education funding - that stuff isn't important at all! While there are other items that might ultimately be worthy of the Senate's attention, we cannot agree to prioritize any matters above the critical issues of funding the government and preventing a job-killing tax hike. We take that stuff back; it's important, just not more important than tax increases that might threaten me buying my second house in the Florida Keys.
Given our struggling economy, preventing the tax increase and providing economic certainty should be our top priority. Hey, I'm going to sneak in another important thing in here - preventing added taxes AND helping the economy are what we want. Without Congressional action by December 31, all American taxpayers will be hit by an increase in their individual income-tax rates and investment income through the capital gains and dividend rates. Everybody is going to have taxes increased if we don't act before 2011 - but the wealthy especially. If Congress were to adopt the President’s tax proposal to prevent the tax increase for only some Americans, small businesses would be targeted with a job-killing tax increase at the worst possible time. Here's our tired small business argument; please don't refute it. Specifically, more than 750,000 small businesses will see a tax increase, which will affect 50 percent of small-business income and nearly 25 percent of the entire workforce. And here's some statistics to make it harder to refute; please don't point out we don't have a source for these statistics. The death tax rate will also climb from zero percent to 55 percent, which makes it the top concern for America’s small businesses. Hey, remember those death panels? DEATH TAX! Republicans and Democrats agree that small businesses create most new jobs, so we ought to be able to agree that raising taxes on small businesses is the wrong remedy in this economy. Hey look, we're being bipartisan, so you Dems should vote to extend the taxes as well! Finally, Congress still needs to act on the “tax extenders” and the alternative minimum tax “patch,” all of which expired on December 31, 2009. Congress needs to do something about these Bush-era taxes, or else they'll expire and this horrible stuff is going to happen.
We look forward to continuing to work with you in a constructive manner to keep the government operating and provide the nation’s small businesses with economic certainty that the job-killing tax hike will be prevented. We look forward to being the party of no in the future to prevent society from changing because we like our meager tax rates as is.
SENATE REPUBLICAN COMMUNICATIONS CENTER trollface.jpg