Barefoot Bandit Behind Bars Because of Bahamian Bobbies

Have I no shame? Jumping on an age-old news story like the media? With alliteration?

...

Nope, sold my last shame stocks last week. The thing was tanking anyways.

But anyways, this whole fiasco has been, well, a fiasco. Why do you think the confidence in the law enforcement system (both local and federal) has been decreasing? It's stuff like this.

Colton Harris-Moore has been prowling around Washington for the past year, maybe year-and-a-half, before last month, when he traipsed into another state or five, then last week, before he crash landed in the Bahamas. Until now, the United States has been putting tons of resources into capturing this felon. He's the center of sixty-five investigations of home robberies, as well as numerous cars, boats, and small aircraft thefts. The FBI and police of every state he's been in have been involved. For a year-and-a-half.

And the Bahamian police caught him in a week.
A week.

We couldn't get him in over a year, and the Bahamians got him in a week? What happened to our 19-year-old-barefoot-burglar plan? Obama, you've failed me! You're supposed to be protecting us from these threats!  Do you know how much damage a 19 year old could wreak? This kid was, well a kid (less than 18, otherwise his age and name would have been given) and he managed to burn down 21 houses, and injured 5 people! By accident! Think of what a 19 year old could do on purpose! The government never takes kids seriously enough. Clearly the Bahamians do.

However, expert internet searching skills have unearthed a piece of information from the recesses of the internet, from a FBI handbook given to recruits. It is seen below. Burn your computer after you read this, in case the government has a sensor on this.

But the FBI is not just to blame. Nor is Obama. Truly, no single entity can be saddled with all this blame. There's plenty to go around.

The main brunt of the blame goes to the corporations. It's all their fault. Yes, I'm willing to say that it's all their fault (as are broken cars, stubbed toes, and some cases of hay fever). Corporations are destroying America, and preventing our faithful law enforcement from catching these runaways who clearly do so much harm.  They are for the destruction of America, biting the very hand which feeds them. Stopping the FBI at every turn, preventing them from catching this very dangerous criminal, it's all part of their master plan. Which is why Obama must enact his Plan now. And turn America Communist. It's the only way. This will rid us of all the corporations who kill us by sitting there in their corporation-y badness AND allow us to catch all the 19 year old runaways before the Bahamians can catch them. Hah!


Afterward: Apologies for the rambling, not-so-lucid post. That's what I get for writing this late. Hopefully I can get a funnier post up tomorrow, or the day after.