Thursday, July 8, 2010

National Insecurity

Gah! The pun! It burns my eyes!
Alright, now that the screaming is done with, I'll move on to the more important issue.
The United States is quite vulnerable to terrorist attack. If that weren't true, 9/11 would never have occurred, and neither the underwear bomber nor the Times Square bomber would have even set foot upon American soil.
There are flaws within our systems, to be sure. Where are the laser sharks, patrolling the waters?
Where are they?

The United States has the ability to train laser sharks, so why aren't we? If we can train dolphins to throw themselves into mines and submarines, we should be able to teach sharks to aim lasers. From their mouths.

But honestly, our national security is at stake here. The Internet is slowly destroying it, bit by bit.
I mean, look at Wikipedia! If you go to Barack Obama's Wikipedia page, guess what you find?
His signature. As public content! Do you have any idea how much havoc that could wreak?

Don't mind the text at the bottom. That's me covering my ass in case the government decides I'm a terrorist.

See! I could have just made it so we could all carry claymores under our shirts! Do you have any idea how many more terrorist bombings could be completed each year? Terrorists would be able to carry their nukes under their shirts, instead of in a suitcase! And what about the school killings? You'd get some introvert, and be messing with him, and then bam! He'd pull a glaive from beneath his shirt, and then slice you all to bits! There's no way you could have seen that coming, except for maybe the blade sticking up from underneath his shirt.

Then, you have the proliferation of information, like through Wikileaks on the Internet. How are we to maintain national stability with the government's darkest secrets being exposed on the Internet? A government is not a government without it's secrets - if you take those away, you're reducing the government to nothing!
And Wikileaks, what are you doing? Stealing dark secrets is the job of super secret spies who remain undercover by taking topless pictures of themselves! Duh.

That brings me to another very shaking item. The spies. How the hell did Russia get eleven spies into the US? And how many more could there be? Sarah Palin, I thought you were watching Russia! But apparently not - was that all just a campaign gimmick? I bet you don't have a single elk rack to your name!
Even more troubling is how many more spies there could be. If it took ten years of covert ops to finally expose these spies, and the population of the United States is growing, by say, 2% per year, think of how long it will take to get rid of all the spies if they're being sent in at this rate! Forever! This is clearly a hole in our national security. Soon, the population of the United States might be composed of purely Russian spies. Then where would we be?

Think about your life. We all know a Russian spy. You might just not know it. Maybe it's that grocery clerk you always chat with. Or your taxi driver. Or your french teacher! Give it some careful thought, and then uproot the spy. If they aren't a spy, they shouldn't get mad. After all, you were just performing your required duty as a patriotic American. You can't get mad at that, can you?

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