Monday, July 12, 2010

Tips: To Being A Blogger

Thus begins the Tips series. This is a look at various occupations or hobbies, and some tips for those of you who simply must excel at everything you do.

This first segment will cover bloggers. It can be tough being a blogger. These tips should make it a little easier.
I apologize in advance for any cynicism, sarcasm, or darkness you may expect.

Tip #1: Delude Yourself
Deluding yourself is practically necessary for being a blogger. If you can't do that, you'll never make that post on how you pet your cat for two hours the previous night (not a euphemism), or make that rant on how oranges should have warning labels. All the successful bloggers have deluded themselves into thinking that thousands upon thousands of other people care about the little thoughts in their heads. You'll know when they succeed when they start deluding others, as well!

Tip #2: Series
These can help your blog out a lot. It gives readers a chance to follow something which will stop after one or two segments once the author loses interest, or forgets about the series.  The ability to begin a nigh-infinite amount of series is an invaluable skill held by only the most skilled bloggers, or those with the most attention deficits.

Obligatory Charity Note: Every year, over one million series are abandoned worldwide. If you can, become a foster blogger, and pick up a foster series. You could change the course of a series! Adopt a series now!

Tip #3: Time
Time is a resource everybody needs more of. Bloggers use time in excess (And are thus partially responsible for the time shortages all around the world. Telemarketers and that one sales woman who just won't shut up are also responsible for this.) Having lots of time is a boon for any blogger. Use this excess time to write rambling posts, then cut every other word out for an unintelligible mass!

Tip #4: Be Famous
If you're famous, people will follow you. Simple. You don't have to go to any extra effort; sell it and they will come. This is the perfect tip for lazy people like me. Now all I have to do is be the lead in some movie, or sell my body. Hm.

Tip #5: Make It Pretty
If your blog is colorful and has interesting drawings, then nobody will notice that you have nothing to say. Sparkles help too. Filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler colorful filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler. I bet you think I just said something deep and meaningful there.

Tip #6: Politics
When lost for a topic, bash something. Anything. It doesn't really matter. Biden, Bush, Cheney, Clinton, Gore, McCain, McCrystal, McDonald's, Obama, Palin. And alphabetize stuff. That always helps.
Disclaimer: Studies show that the more dedicated your blog is dedicated to bashing democrats, the more likely you are Rush Limbaugh. Do not let this happen at all costs.

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