Monday, July 26, 2010

Picture 5 Of 7

This is Kittech's weekly newsletter, and this week, we have many exciting announcements, including the release of our new catputer, a slew of new products, and the production of our new operating system!

Kittech is pleased to announce its new Catputer 3.0! This state-of-the-art wonder comes with all of the features of the Catputer 2.0, with extra added capabilities, such as an additional two CATA ports, and still has the same Quad Ruped processor you know and love. This new and improved catputer comes with many new features that will make your jaw drop and your wallet open by itself! (Note: Catputer 3.0 does not include telepathy.)

The Catputer 3.0 comes with a new casing for the catputer. Annoyed by the constant roaming of the catputer? Is it quite annoying that your catputer becomes unusable whenever your dog gets near? Are you tired of the extra mice your catputer brings back? This new casing will solve all of that. Just put the catputer in the case whenever necessary. The casing includes many outlets for the catputer to receive input while inside, and includes ventilation for cooling. It also has a CD tray for all the catputer droppings.

In addition to the case, the Catputer 3.0 has added features including a new array of sounds, such as Purr, Yowl, and that-sound-that-you-hear-at-the-back-of-your-mind-when-cats-are-using-their-powers-of-mind-control. The catputer also has three new themes; Calico, Siamese, and Feral.

The Catputer 3.0 also has an improved Biological Internal Organ System which allows a wider degree of control over the catputer during startup. 

This week there will also be a sale in the store on all new items. We are adding new items to our line, such as the anti-cat keyboard, which can detect when paws upon it, and will not register keystrokes made by them. Your catputer will no longer disturb your writing with its incessant roaming, and if there is a sunspot on your keyboard, your weekly progress memo will not look like this:

"To all:

In the hardware department we have finally completed development code to make the catputer more user-friendly. Bites are down by 75%, and angry hisses and yowls have been igaas;gdhuuoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

For those of you users who have been magically transformed into cats, we are sorry. Refrain from buying this keyboard. Yes, there is catnip in it. Yes, the catnip does not add any cost to the product. Yes, it is high quality catnip. No, we don't know why it's there.

In addition, we have new submeowers with an added 100% cap to the treble. They come with two speakers, which are wireless like all our products. Come check out the online store for great deals. They won't last!

On the software side of development, Kittech is also making good headway with its new Catintosh operating system. It will have a better operating interface, including a reduced 10% walk-away-because-I'm-bored-of-you rate, as well as less catty responses when you stumble across an error. There is now code to prevent the catputer from refusing to accept the mouse, and now the catputer can be on for up to eight hours before needing to be put into sleep mode. 

Kittech will also shortly be releasing the new CatPack 2010. It includes the standard array of word processing, spreadsheets, slideshow programs (For your kitty blog posts, your kitty statistics, and your crazy cat lady cat slideshows, respectively), as well as the long awaited Cat++ (Which, we remind you, is not the same as Dog, or Sharp Cat.), which comes complete with its own IDLE. It will be released by itself, and in a bundle with Catintosh 7.0.

Moving on, there are only three days until E3, where we will unveil the highly anticipated addition to the Catroid series. We can't say much about this new game, though undoubtedly you've already gotten some of the leaks. (Not to worry, those employees have been fired, and will be rehired, as per the procedure, two months before the next game release to leak more news) What we can tell you is that there is an entire galaxy to explore, as well as a new Longcat ability. Beware Tacgnol, who prowls the galaxy in search of good souls to devour!

That's all for this week! See you soon!

Afterwards: Ahhhh the puns! My eyes burn! They burn! Sadly, only 732 words today. Couldn't think of a place to go for this. You were spared 268 words of puns. Be happy.
Also, again, more proof why I should not write so late. Thoughts get muddled, words don't flow as well.

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