Welcome to the Epic school, where we make epic. We understand you are considering epic school as a possibility for your child. Epic school is a K-12 school. It's never to early to be epic.
The children who graduate from our school learn the ways of the epic, and each have their own specialty. Our school covers a truly epic range of subjects, so your child can be superhero epic, internet epic, or just plain epic. We are pleased to say that 100% of our graduates have epic lives.
We have four types of curricula here, one of which will be a new addition this fall. The superhero curriculum is the most popular of our preexisting curricula, and always fills up quickly. The internet curriculum is more popular among our epic nerds, who take make being a nerd a religion. Our plain epic curriculum is the best in the state, and will teach your child to be epic at everything they do. Finally, our newest curriculum is the epic fail curriculum. It is highly experimental, but has nearly filled up with aspiring fail-wannabes (Referred to as winners by our epic staff)
The superhero curriculum consists of superhero basics, such as not looking at explosions, and catching bullets with your teeth. Other popular classes include making shit from nothing, defusing bombs, and shooting lasers from your eyes. We are sad to announce the fleeing from collapsing structures class due to the instructor not fleeing fast enough. Spots are filling quickly, so apply soon! We will be having a free-for-all to determine which applicants will get into the last ten spots. With guns and artillery.
If you aren't interested in having your child's face be known to all in the world, and be the continual target for darts thrown by scheming villains, perhaps the internet curriculum is right for your child. This will allow them to be epic in utter anonymity, unless they give out their Social Security Number, in which case, they're screwed. Our classes include trolling, dealing with trolls, dealing with pricks who think they can deal with trolls, and the ever popular divide by zero paradox class. We promise a your children will not be swallowed by a black hole. Tommy was an accident. We swear.
Then again, some children just want to be plain epic. We support this wholeheartedly, and have dedicated an entire department to it. The plain epic curriculum spans a vast degree of classes, from being a ninja, to surviving thousand-foot falls. There are special electives for those students who know exactly what sort of plain epic they want to be already. These classes are as diverse as the lolcats of the internet, and satiate every student. The topics range from successful Ponzi schemes to never being out of the news. (Unfortunately, Madoff flunked out of the former.)
We are also glad to present our newest curriculum, the epic fail curriculum. In this curriculum, students will learn how to fail at life, whether it be by dropping their ipod into a blender, or by knocking their house down while trying to repair the doorbell. Due to the high standards of the classes, students who wish to pursue this path must fail to turn in their registration form.
But our school is not just academics. We have extracurricular activities as well, such as jumping off bridges, and fighting the terrorists. For those who aren't so into the outdoors, there are clubs like build-bombs-from-scratch, the hackers team (As the most epic hackers in the world, they have hacked into the interface of every defense agency, and left comments in their code like ), and the esteemed Schroedinger's Club. We think they exist, at least. Nobody's ever opened the door to their club room, though.
Epic school is also home to the World Savers Club, which is still celebrating it's victories from the past year, in which they save the world over 9,000 times in a 24 hour duration from an assortment of threats, such as Dr. Devious, Mr. Malevolent, Mrs. Nomorefuckingalliteration, nuclear warheads, radical Islam, radical Christians (Also known as Limbaugh), radical drugs (Woah man! Radical!), and dolphins. (Everybody knows they're pure evil. Would they be smiling all the time if they weren't planning on making us their slaves?) We are amazed by the epicosity of this. So much so that we made up that word to describe it.
Our school also has a great history of alumni. Among the most prestigious alumni are Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, King Leonidas, That Guy From That One Film, Arnold Schwarzlastnameistoogoddamnhardtospellnegger, Chuck Norris('s Left Fist), Batman, the United States of America, the Internet, and Chuck Norris('s Right Fist).
Throughout the history of the school, many have passed through. Here are some testimonies from our satisfied students.
"I sent my son to this school as a pathetic weakling. When he graduated, he was still a pathetic weakling, but he is now fucking epic at it."
"WTF MAN! YOU WEREN'T EVEN FIRST YOU LITTLE TROLL!"
"I am 12 and what is this?"
"Okay, seriously. This is getting out of hand. You can't give a testimony! You're 12, so you can't have graduated yet!"
"I have learned many useful things at epic school, such as how to remain anonymous on the internet, how to make a lolcat, and how to keep my social security number, which is 584502521, a secret. Wait. Shit."
-No Longer Anonymous (Also known as Richard Buckard, who lives at 1720 Greensly St., in his basement.)
"Epic school is truly epic. It is...umm...what does that say? Oh! It is epic beyond belief and taught me the epic skills I use daily in my life like throwing trucks across rivers and....oh, screw this. I can't say this. Nobody would believe it."
-Guy we pulled off the street
Thank you again for considering our epic school. We hope to receive your applications soon. Remember: epic is not made. Wait. Scratch that. Yes it is.