Asking The Internet

For those of you who don't wish to read the rough of the second week's of writing, here's a bit of humor for you.
Well, it is clear that the internet is never wrong. Absolutely never. But the internet has varying degrees of correctness, as well as varying degrees of helpfulness. The internet may only be a tool, but that doesn't mean it's the most helpful tool out there.

I had a bit much spare time on my hands today (Okay, 15 minutes) so I did a bit of research on the search engines. The search engine wars have been raging for quite a while, and today is no different. Except I intend to find out for myself which search engine is the superior one. I'll also be using some non-standard searching techniques. The deciding factor for all this? How well they answer a question.

The zombie apocalypse is a long-standing worry for all nerds. So I'll go with that. I will also start with Google. Google is notorious for its search-engineyness, and commands two-thirds of the search market. It seems to be the top competitor for this.

Hey, it's like Google can read my mind!

Oh shit.

Ummm...I'll have to look into that later. Meanwhile, let's get back to searching.

Hey, that's pretty damn helpful. They even have videos! But I'm not so sure about that last one. Eh, anything helps.

I'll give Google a 9.5 out of 10 on this one. Their searches were quick enough for a panicking nerd at the onset of a zombie uprising to find the results they need, giving that nerd ample time to run afterwards, and the searches still retained valid results. I docked a bit for the whole mind-reading thing. That's just intolerable! I thought we had a deal Google! I give you hits, and you don't read my goddamn mind! I'm filing a complaint, you hear me?

Ffffffffffffff-

Okay. Time to move on. *glares at Google*

Let's try Bing. This is Microsoft's upgraded version of MSN search which doesn't suck quite as much. It's like Google's adopted malformed cousin, except that cousin also happens to have the support of a millionaire.

Okay, same mind-reading shtick. I get it. But it's not as creepy as Google. Yes, yes, I know you have the whole insane-killer-peering-at-you-through-a-window thing, but just let it go, just let it go. Okay, look, I'm sorry I said that. The truth is the- Hey where are you going get back here!

Okay, Bing, you weren't helpful at all! Immature little brat of a search engine.
I guess it can't be helped though; Bing is only a year old, after all. But when you take everything into perspective, I'd have to give Bing a 6/10. I mean, at least it told me it wasn't telling me anything quickly. Which gave me time to go to go to Google and get real answers.

Yahoo's time. Yahoo is one of those old search engines that's been around for a while.

Too long, it seems. Well, let's see if any of these search tips will help. Yahoo Answers might be of some help.

Oh, gee, thanks. Just what I needed. Forgot Yahoo Answers was an adolescent. I'm just glad I didn't get any sort of rebellious results, or bass-filled results. That would've attracted every zombie in a fucking mile.

Yahoo, you get a 4/10. I mean, at least you answered that question quickly. But honestly, get that Alzheimer's treated. Can search engines even get Alzheimer's? Sheesh.

Well, let's see if the AI of the internet has anything to offer. Off to Cleverbot!

Well. That was oddly rational. Does Cleverbot have no emotions built in yet? I give it an 8/10. It's answer was fine, although upsetting, but the wait time was just horrific! I don't have five seconds to wait to be told I'm going to die! I want to be told I'm going to die this instant!

So, I'm just going to make a final stop here, at Omegle. If Cleverbot is the computer's response to this, Omegle is the human's response to this. I would use Chatroulette for this, except then there'd be a dick on the screen, and I'd have to make this blog NSFW.

Oh, that was real helpful. I have now lost all hope in humanity. Or maybe the answer lies in bad grammar and not having a shift key. That must be it!

Omegle, you get a 3/10. Not only did I not get any useful information (Shift keys are not good projectiles at all!), but I also had to wait for almost 45 seconds! That's intolerable! My one-minute-ramen doesn't even take that long to cook!

...wait.

So, all in all, Google still wins. Although using Google might just be helping them in their plans to take over the world. (I'll cover that soon.)