Wednesday, June 9, 2010

To Take A Final

Here we go. As the school year nears the end for me, finals crash down.
Finals = bad, in case you didn't know. Or at least annoying.

However, recent observations (Okay, maybe not within the past six months. But adjectives are relative. Live with it.) have led me to conclude that there are [number] general ways to deal with a final. Some of the technique names may be racist. Deal with it.

Asian: Get ample sleep the night before. Take the final. Get 100%.

Minimalist: Figure out exactly what you need for a 90% in the class the night before. Get that score, get an A.

Cheater: Bring a pen to the final. Go up to the front of the room to sharpen it. “Realize” it’s a pen, making a very big deal about it and how stupid you were. Slowly saunter back to your seat, checking all the other finals on the way back. Forget everything, and repeat.

Thorough: Go through the final, answering each multiple choice question quickly. Afterwards, with 75% of the time remaining, check your answers. Three times. With 10 minutes left, sure of your answers, realize that the final was completely short answer questions, and panic.

Arson: Burn your final, then the school. Get the answers while the school is burning, then realize it probably won't be necessary at this point.

Spoiled: Don’t do the final, and expect a 100% because you are a winner (Mommy said so!) because winners always succeed.

Obnoxious: Complain loudly about how there wasn’t enough time to study for the final, and that it was a total surprise so you shouldn’t have to take it. Make sure you were partying every night beforehand and that the teacher told the class multiple times about the final.

Lawyer: Ask questions about every single question worded in such ways that the teacher unknowingly gives you the answer. Then sue the teacher when you get a 50%.

Communist: Fail the final then expect the teacher to average the class’ scores.

Terrorist: Bomb the building. Now nobody needs to take the final. BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL DEAD.

Hacker: Attempt to run a database search script on your final for the answers. Realize that paper cannot be hacked. Then try to brute force the final.

Capitalist: Sell "answers" to the final, then run before the day of the final. Doesn't matter that you're $10,000 ahead of everyone else now.

Crammer: Stay up late studying, realize it's 6 AM when you finish, fall asleep halfway through the final.

Indecisive: Stay up late deciding what to study, realize it's 6 AM, study for 10 minutes on a subject not covered on the final, spend the entire final deciding on the first word of your essay.

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