Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Buddhism And Christianity?


Well, this is the article which spawned this post. It's a little old, but no worries.
So, apparently the Virgin Mary has bothered to grace the earth with her presence once again. In the form of a lizard.

Well, I really don't know what to say, or how the hell to explain this. But I'm thinking that the Virgin Mary was actually (Duhn duhn duhn....) Buddhist!

That would explain lots and lots, actually. Buddhism suits the Virgin Mary so much better than Christianity. Don't give me any of that crap that she was married to Saint Joseph, and thus must be a Christian! I know very well that God doesn't just zoom into people's bellies and impregnate them. That was Zeus' job.

Let's compare Christianity and Buddhism (for all you folks not convinced already) and see how well each fits the Virgin Mary. Let's tackle the whole rebirth thing, first. Well, I know that every easter, zombie Jesus comes from the ground in search of delectable chocolates hidden within plastic, neon-colored eggs. I also know that he keeps his Jesusy form. Otherwise, we wouldn't know that he's Jesus.

When God brings people back to life, he brings them back as they were on the earth. But when Buddha reincarnates you, you get brought back as a representation of how you were in the past life. If you're lucky, you'll be a human again. If you're really lucky, you'll be a cow in India. If you're unlucky, you'll be a cow in America.

For example, for reincarnations, if you were really busy, and never paid anyone any mind, you could be brought back as a bee. If you were an athlete, you might be some sort of predatory animal (Tiger Woods will be reborn as.....any guesses?). Lawyers? Worms. (Unless you were a lawyer who worked pro bono. Then you're fishing bait.)

Now, what the Virgin Mary did to be reborn as a komodo lizard, I don't know. I don't think I want to know. But I do know that God sure as hell (Pun intended) doesn't bring you back as a lizard. I think Buddha wins this one.

So, what about the whole virgin thing? Well, like I said earlier, God doesn't give people babies. But in Indian mythos, you've got people getting pregnant left and right. Why? Because they prayed for babies. That fits pretty damn well with the whole I-got-pregnant-I-swear-I'm-still-a-virgin deal, doesn't it? I should think it does. (And don't even get me started on Chinese tales...)

If I haven't gotten you convinced yet, this will, I'm sure of it. God tells us in the Lord's Prayer, for crying out loud! (Saying for heaven's sake there would have just been pushing it)
Check it out for yourself. It uses the simple encryption method we now know as pick-and-choose-the-letters-you-need-to-make-your-message-work.
Now, the man up high obviously spelled Buddhist wrong, but you can't expect him to get every freaking word spelled right! I mean, they didn't even have editors back then. You should just be glad that that was all he misspelled. There are much worse things he could've done. Much worse.

I'm afraid that if you haven't been convinced by God's own word, you probably also think that Obama is out to kill humanity, and that bears are unpatriotic. Come on, man.

1 comment:

  1. I hate to nitpick, but Mary was a Jew. Jesus was a Jew too, just a radical one.