Monday, June 21, 2010


When the zombie apocalypse finally comes to this world, we'll all be screwed. Unless there's a serious case of deus ex.

But, some of us will be more screwed than others. You know who I'm talking about, Australia. Your policies have proactively screwed your entire country over. What a dick move. This is something I've been stewing over for some time, and you know what? I'm just pissed off.

The zombie apocalypse is a matter of global (That's a step above national, bitches!) security. Why don't any countries have any sort of zombie defense plan? It's saddening, frightening, and angering all at the same time. I have submitted a query to the Pentagon inquiring about their zombie defense policies.

This is the response I received.

"Title: BRAC (Base Realignment and Closure) Economic Opportunities and Land for Sale

Title: BRAC (Base Realignment and Closure) Assistance and Support Organizations

Title: Agent Orange

Yeah, real helpful. I bet you gave me those false links to draw attention away from the fact that you don't have a zombie apocalypse plan! (Those pages had other links attached to them, too!) Well, damn it, you better start planning. There's no knowing when it'll happen. (It could even have already started!)

This is quite frightening. How is the US supposed to protect the world from itself if we aren't even prepared for the zombies? It's horrific, really! For those who haven't read the Zombie Survival Guide, how are they supposed to know that they should drop the chainsaw and pick up the shovel? How will they know to break their stairs and hide on the top floor? And how will they know to make a meal for five out of rainwater and a rusty nail? (Okay, I don't know how to do that myself. Working on it....)

So, if America doesn't have a defense plan, I suppose we can't expect any other countries to, either. I mean, we are the best, and no country has anything we don't have. (Except France, but you can keep your white flags of surrender.)

But what Australia is doing makes it seem as if they are ruled by zombies. They have already banned the L4D video games from being sold in their country. That's working against mankind, you traitors! Now how will your civilians know that the sewers are a bad place to go, and that all rooftops are ammo depots? They won't.

In fact, I've just done a bit of research. We might have zombies on our hands. In the form of the Australian government. John Hogg is the president of the Australian senate, and he does he fit the zombie stereotype. Not to be racist, or anything. (Wouldn't that be alivist? Well, I'm not that, either.)
Check this picture of him out.

Yeah. That smile simply screams "I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!"
To those of you less adept at telling zombies from humans, it may look like he is simply exchanging a handshake and being polite. I suggest you retake zombies 101, lest you be the first to fall when the zombie apocalypse reaches the United States.

So, now that we know that Australia is ruled by a zombie, (That makes everything make so much more sense now!) what do we do?
I shouldn't have to ask.

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