Saturday, May 8, 2010

Bears Are Unpatriotic

All bears should be deported from the United States at once.

See the title. They are one of the most unpatriotic animals. Passenger pigeons were also unpatriotic, and while I don't fully agree with the policy we used to teach them a lesson, it had to be done. We can't have unpatriotic leeches sucking from our government. (Sorry leeches. It's a figure of speech. No offense meant.)

Now, what have these bears done to deserve my ire? They kill Americans. Regular, run-of-the-mill, God-fearing Americans camping in the woods, and showing Jimmy how to set up a tent, make a fire, and shoot a bear with a BB bullet. What did Jimmy ever do to you, bears? You killed him, slaughtered him unprovoked!

Not only do bears kill our honest, innocent, citizens, they don't pay taxes. Not a penny. They drain our natural resources every year! Washington state spent $152 million last year on parks. Parks which the bears happen to live in. Last year, Washington state also received a similar amount from the federal government. ($169 million, to be exact.)

So, where are their taxes (the bears', not the government's)? Where? Yeah. You can't answer because they don't exist! These bears are delinquent in paying their taxes, and have been for every year since the foundation of the United States of America.

So, why haven't they been deported? They've gotten lucky. Lucky that nobody has noticed, and that the federal government has more urgent things at hand. But their luck has run out.

What have these bears done to repay our lenience? First, they send our stock markets into freefall (they aren't called BEAR markets for nothing, folks), and then they turn traitor on us. And join the Canadian Laser Bear Corps.

Oh! So just because Canada has free healthcare and laser bear senseis, the bears flee north of the border? Well guess what, Canada? That's fine! Take our bears! We didn't want them anyways! Bears are crappy special operations units. And infantry units. And horrible in the navy. (The fish distract them too much. Note to self: Bears + clear hulled submarines + plentiful fish = disaster)

So take our bears. Meanwhile, I'm going to submit my anti-bear bill to the government...

Sources: Bailout Plan Benefits, Washington State -

Washington State Parks Financial Information -

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