Sunday, May 23, 2010

Top Secret Project

Defense Secretary Robert Gates recently let slip on a top-secret military project stationed in area 51. In a hearing last Monday when asked about current Pentagon projects, he stated, "The United States Military is investigating several new innovations to change how we fight. Automatic guns, robots, tanks, they're all on the list."

Ace Reporter (name withheld for legal purposes) has been working around the clock to find out more. And he has made quite a find. On the Pentagon database, he has found this snippet

"...a tank.....does not need fuel.....huge guns......explosions......kill....supersoldier....transform....nuke"

For legal reasons, I am unable to state how this information was procured, but I can say that involved copious amounts of Mountain Dew, several keyboards, and a "Hacking for Dummies" book.

This doesn't give too much information, but from what I can tell, it seems to be some sort of tank, that doesn't need fuel. It has huge guns and explosions, can kill supersoldiers, and turn into a nuke. Or something.

Well, that's not much to go off of, but my crack reporter also found this on google maps.

Yup. It's a giant transformer. In Area 51. It's nowhere near completion, obviously, but I can imagine the finished project will look something like this.

When this thing is completed, it will be awesome. We can fly it over to the Middle East, and blow stuff up! And then it can find some long-lost rock from outer space and blow more stuff up! And then we can make that into a movie with a thin plot and lots of CGI- I mean, beat everyone at war. Think of the explosions!

Also, rumor has it that Michael Bay is the project head.

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