Thursday, May 13, 2010

=) O.o XP (aka Annoying Internet Denizens Pt.3)

An encounter with an emoticon spammer, while only a minor case of AIDS, still should be taken seriously. Not because of possible annoyance to yourself of others, but in the eventuality that you contract the smiley virus.

Before I get to that, I'll provide an example of what an emote-spammer's text might look like.

Sample: Nice job ^.^ I wouldn't be able to do anything comparable to that =p

As you can see, in the text above, this person has become infected with the smiley virus. The smiley virus is highly contagious, and has only one symptom. The overuse of emotes. This will become readily apparent, although it may need to be pointed out by a friend first.

The only cure to the smiley virus is to write ten-page essays each day which you submit to an unforgiving Language Arts teacher who despises smilies. No other solutions work. Tasing, I assure you, only encourages the disease, and incentive for not using smilies only works for short periods of time before the virus adapts itself to find loopholes in the incentive program.

There are no ways to combat this disease if you find it in another. You can either accept it, or avoid the person like the plague. (They do, in fact, bear a non-lethal variation of it) Just make sure you do not catch this virus yourself. (The sample text has been decontaminated, do not worry.) The best way is to quickly read the message, and scroll down the page as quickly as possible.

Or just skip the message and reply with this.

"I am sorry but I am unable to properly respond to your message as you are showing symptoms of the smiley disease. Please decontaminate your next post so that I do not contract the disease upon reading it."

Many will think you strange, but do not worry. The public will see the truth once this emote disease breaks out to adults and the elderly. (So far the disease targets teenagers, preferring the "popular crowd girls" to any other stereotypes due to the large quantities of texts they send) It is akin to the zombie apocalypse....they will laugh that you are amassing birdshot and have over two tons of canned food beneath your house-turned-fortress, but they'll all run to you once the infection breaks out....*mad cackle*

Now, what should you do if you have this disease already?
There are four solutions, going from the most humanitarian first, to the most fun last.

Solution 1 - For The Greater Good - Remove your presence in text completely. Communicate with your friends over the phone, Skype, or face-to-face. Deliver all your classwork and homework orally. Yes, even your math homework (An x-intercept can be too easily turned into an emote). And your music notes. And your twenty-page essays. I don't care if you're the slowest reader in the world and have a memory span of two minutes (yes, you have to memorize your homework, too); you chose this path for's not easy to be good, is it?

Solution 2 - Disclaimers - Put disclaimers before and after anything you write. This way, if anyone reads it and gets the disease, it's all their fault.

Solution 3 - Apathy - As the above, but don't bother with disclaimers. If the readers aren't cautious enough, they deserve to be infected. They'd be the first to die in a zombie invasion too.

Solution 4 - Embracement - We are legion. We are one. We are the smiley zombies. Spread the disease and use more emotes than ever. You will be rewarded aptly, with the ire of your friends and strange looks from all others not clued in.

Done. =)
Oh, and you're infected now....
Come and aid me in my fight!

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