Monday, May 31, 2010

To Write An Essay

There are many components needed to write an essay in high school. I'm sure many of you have experienced writing an essay, but you can't call yourself a true high schooler until you can write an essay like a pro.

How? Well, first you'll need your materials.
-Essay to write, preferably due the next day, or that day
-Computer with internet access
-Spot next to window

So, how do we go about this? First off, get your essay started. Look over the topic. Got it? Now open word up on the computer.

Damn, it's taking a long time to load, isn't it? Here, in the mean time, open up chrome. Hmm, better check your email. And facebook. And twitter. And your other email. Oh look, facebook's loaded. Check Farmville (Oh, you're a good little cow, aren't you, oh yes you are! I'm going to harvest you tomorrow, aren't you happy?), and Mafia Wars, and, oh look, 300 new status updates. Comment on each individually.

Well, now that word is booted up, type your heading in. Oh, crap, you left double space on. And you don't remember how to turn it back to single spacing. Better check the internet for ans- hey! I've got a new email! Oh, just spam. Back to...whatever you were doing.

Oh, right, the essay. Hm. Time to make a thesis. How about an outline instead? Yeah, that's a good idea. And you can make it on paint, too. There's a circle for the middle, we'll save that for a B.S. thesis for later. Now, make lines stretching from it. If you're a true nerd, increase the hex code of the color for the lines by FF each time. Now, make bubbles attached to each of those. Now it's starting to look like an engorged octopus. Hey! It's a mutant zombie octopus! Kill it with fire! Call in the army (Draw stick people with guns, and some tanks)! Fire! We have vanquished the mighty zombie octopus! Yes!

Crap! Soldiers are going AWOL! We must kill them for....some cause you'll fight for! Onwards! Blam, blam! Ah, there we go. Now your screen is filled with fake blood, and badly drawn, too.
Great outline you've got there.

Ah, screw the outline. Let's just try to do the essay from the start. Okay...type a few lines...hey! Another email! Better check it in case its something important, like the death of your professor! Nope, just spam again. Come on...


Once you have been drum & bassed up (or some other sort of music, it doesn't matter), go back to your essay. But damn, it's hard to concentrate on an empty stomach. After falling into a music-induced trance for four hours, you're pretty hungry. How about some Doritos. Yeah, that should do it.

You know what, those Doritos are probably pretty lonely in your belly. They'd go great with some dip. Yeah, dip, yum. And while you're at it, might as well make some sandwiches. After all, chips and dip are only an appetizer. You might be up here for a while, so you might as well make your dinner too.

Okay, okay, you've eaten enough to last yourself for a few days. Now, ummm, now what? Right, the essay. Yeah, the essay. Wow. You've gotten a heading, and a title. Good job. Look at the time. You have one hour before it's due. Oh crap. Quick quick quick stress stress stress! Oh crap oh crap oh crap! Good thing you've got that window right next to you to relax yourself. Ah, isn't that peaceful? You can watch that bird chirp and fly by, and watch that boat cruise across the lake, and holy crap it's been fifty minutes. Quickly! Find the relevant wikipedia article, copy-paste it, and print! There you go, essay done, with eight minutes to spare. Phew. Now you can relax, and check your email, facebook, and twitter and oh crap there's another assignment due isn't there.

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