Monday, May 24, 2010

Public Service Announcement #1

This is an announcement for the health of all my readers.

Please refrain from eating food. Food is something which we would all be better off with. Plus, it's inhumane to eat food.

First, food causes death. Not just any sort of death.
The permanent kind. Not in books, where you can be resurrected. (I'm sorry Harry Potter fans, but Dumbledore won't be there to save you in the end.) All people in the past who have eaten food have died.
Think about that. It has a 100% mortality rate. Nobody has escaped.
It might not be too late for you to escape its clutches, if you stop eating food now!

For all you religious-types, eating food is a SIN.
It is a sin worse than pride, or envy, or greed, or even pride-envy-greed, whatever that is.
Eating food is consuming the fruit of the Earth. Food is like Mother Earth's babies. (Yes, she does get around)
You are a despicable baby-killer. Left and right I hear cries about how Obamacare kills babies with its abortion clauses. And yet, these hypocritical Republicans go home, and eat babies! Alive!

And then, food is foodicide. It's not just meat, you realize. All those vegetarian organizations, they aren't about saving animals! They're about killing innocent, helpless, vegetables! They corrupt our youth from day one, teaching them that to "vegetate" is to sit there and do nothing, while to "animalate" is to be very active. Now, which seems like something easier to murder, and consume? Something which just sits there, and lets you eat it, or something which runs away when you try to kill it?

Exactly. If the vegetarian societies were truly for what they say they are for, they would teach us the opposite. Would you eat a man in a coma? (Note: The guy is a vegetable!)

Back on track then. All food comes from a sentient being, whether you know it or not.

Tofu ranchers are a huge problem, and the vegetarians are only helping them tear mother tofus away from their babies. More on that in a later post on why everyone should eat meat and wear fur coats and leather jackets.

But, the point is, vegetables are murder too. There's just no alliteration there. All food is murder. Do you want murder weighing on your conscience? I thought not. There's another reason.

Now, at this point, you're probably crying out,
"But I can't live without food!"
Oh, yes you can. There are many alternatives to food. Filter feeding, for instance.
Or, you could eat genetically engineered "food". It may look like tasteless goop, but food is food. Or, in this case, not-food is food. Sorta. If it helps, put a cow face on it and pretend it's a steak.

Remember! Food is foodicide!

Afternote: Wow, that became a real spiel about, well, not what I meant it to be about.
If it makes you laugh, though, it has done its job.

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