Monday, May 17, 2010

The United States Of Iceland

The global powers are constantly changing. First Greece, then Rome. After them, Italy, then England, followed by Germany. Russia was soon to follow, then the United States. China threatens to become a power as large as the United States, and some say it has already reached that point. I personally won't believe that until their obesity rates rival ours. I probably also missed more than a few past or current world powers in there, but they couldn't have been that great if I can't remember them.

But now, on the horizon, the United States (and to a lesser degree, all the other countries of the world) and its seat of authority, is being threatened by another country.

Yes, the country of ice, and land. That one. (Not the beer one.) It will take the United States' rulership by taking over.

And how will it usurp our seat of power? By first incapacitating our government and communication and transportation systems, and then invading.
Yes, with ice. What else would they use? Guns? Hah, don't kid with me. If they had guns, their name would be Gunland, or something.

Well, they've already got their first checkbox filled in. Government made useless.
We didn't need them to do that though. We did that to ourselves.
Or rather, the republicans did, by making us read thousands of pages healthcare bills.
Good on you.

The communication and transportation systems will come shortly. The volcano Eyjafjallajรถkull which erupted, caused massive damage to Europe's airline systems, causing shutdowns of airlines and almost no movement, save for that via train. That was only a test.
The ash cloud is going to be hanging around for quite a while too. Makes you wonder what sort of sacrifices they've been making to cause such flatulence.

Don't believe that Iceland fired that volcano on purpose? They say it was a natural disaster? That's what I'd say too, if I was trying to cover up. If it was a natural disaster, a random occurrence....why weren't they affected? Huh? Not a single Icelandic airport closed? Hmmm....

Now that they know how strong their weapon is, they'll be launching this weapon of mass destruction at the United States. Once they've destroyed our workplace productivity by making everyone talk on facebook and twitter about the latest smoke cloud, they'll invade. Everybody will be too busy trying to save their virtual farms from the smoke that they won't even notice when their manager is replaced by a polar bear. Or when they start getting paid in fish.

Once that's happened, the next step is....
No, it's too horrible. I can't say it.

I'll move on to how we can combat this incoming disaster.
Flamethrowers. Lots of them. We need to avert this disaster before anything else happens.
Yup, it's preemptive strike time.
I know the last attempt didn't work out so well, but this time, we have the perfect counter.
Fire kills ice. Flamethrowers are made of fire. And Iceland is made of-
Just a moment....
[To voices in head: You're saying Iceland isn't made of ice? And I suppose Greenland isn't all lush and foresty either.
It isn't? What. The. Heck. Can't trust names any more these days.]

Ahem. Excuse me. I appear to have been mistaken.
Call off the flamethrowers. Iceland, is apparently, made of land. Crazy, right? I mean, I thought it was just a floating iceberg!

I suppose the only thing left to do is nuke them. I mean, that's the only thing left to do. They've already neutralized our flamethrowers by turning all their ice into land (shouldn't they be called Landland then?), and surrounded themselves by sea so our land troops can't get there, and made the rest of the sea land so our sea units can't get there EITHER. Our only choice is a nuke.

It's not too late. Yet. We must act now.

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