Sunday, May 30, 2010

Omgwtflol (aka Annoying Internet Denizens Pt.5)

You've seen them before. Even on the most literary-based forums with the snootiest posters, they will be there. The one who doesn't contribute jack, and yet somehow has the most posts of anyone on the site. They are not hard to find, because they are in every forum, with a "lol" or "wow". And nothing else. Oh, good for you. You've got 20k posts? You've also typed in 20k words on the site. Isn't that interesting?


OP: Hey think about this rather interesting thing. [3 paragraphs of text which are semi-enlightening, probably took an hour or so to type]

theomgwtflol: lolwut? first!

The omgwtflol's can be characterized not only by their one to two word posts, but also the overuse of strange, obscure acronyms, half of which were probably made up on the spot, inability to find their shift key (As opposed to the caps lock rager), completely meaningless posts, and frequent immaturity. At times (in other words, all the time) omgwtflols will fill their posts with acronyms or contractions (and not grammatically correct ones, either) only. Then exclamation mark spam thereafter.

Sample: omg rly???!?!?!??! lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good job. For every keystroke you would have saved yourself by using acronyms and false contractions, you lost in excess punctuation. And that sentence made me sound like a real douche. But still, if your goal was to save yourself time, I don't think you did. If you really wanted to save yourself time (and us, as well) just don't post. Truly lazy people don't go out of the way to say they're lazy; that's too much unneeded effort. So follow the same line of thought, and we'll appreciate you for it. Or rather, hate you less.

Apart from "first"-ing threads, and "omgwtf"-ing everywhere else, what do omgwtflol's do?

--Bump every thread they can.
Do you not understand that there is such a thing as a dead thread? Or that it may have purposefully have been sent to the next page? Oh, yes, of course we should resurrect this thread except for the fact that nobody has posted in it for a year and the original poster was banned for giving links to trojans! If you're that desperate to increase your postcount, make your own thread, lock it to everyone but yourself, make a bot that posts in it, and run the bot. Voila. You get your posts, we stop hating you. Problem(s) solved.

--Make threads as pointless as their posts. Then "first" it, appending a "lol" for irony at the end of their post.
Okay, a link that says "watch this rly fnny vid i found!!!!!!!" linked to "the 100 best lolcatz EVAR!!!!!" is just what I needed, of course. My life would not have been complete without it. And yes, of course I need to see "top 10 sk8bord trikks" or I will die a sad man. Chances are that by the time the omgwtflol dies, they will have linked every youtube video to the forum they lurk in.

--PM Spam
This is potentially the most annoying thing omgwtflol's do. You wake up in the morning, check your inbox, and find over 1k messages. All from the same person. All titled the same, and all containing, "hi!!!!!!"
Yeah, I really laughed at that. Hurr hurr. That was pretty damn genius of you, too.

--Randomly Post "i lost the game lol"
Everywhere. In topics which don't even vaguely mention any sort of activity.
Oh, and yes, you did just lose the game. Live with it.

So, what can we do against this particular case of AIDS?
There is only one option. Nukes.

Oh, if only. But really, here's what you can do:
The Dangerous Solution: "First" every thread before they do (Yes, with a capital 'f'), and spam their inbox until it's full. With any luck they will become bored to the point that they will find a different forum (hopefully one you aren't in) to harass. Beware that you do not become an omgwtflol in the process. To prevent against this, I suggest typing a three-page essay using proper capitalization and no contractions whatsoever, slapping yourself with a cattle prod each time you don't do so for each day you are enacting this solution.

The Douche Solution: Spend ten hours typing a multiple-page PM filled to the brim with hatred attacking them, their family, and their little dog too, send it, then make it public. If it works, they'll never be seen again. If it backfires, you'll be banned. Take one for the team, come on!

The Blogger's Solution: Err, blog about it. That's about it.

The Passive-Aggressive Solution: Figure out the poster's IP, and use that to find their country, city, and home address. Then, write several nice notes asking them to "kindly cease posting inane gibberish on [insert forum name here]", mailing them at one week intervals. Follow this up with notes that sound slightly miffed, growing in anger with each week, (But always ending in, "Thanks, [your name here]") until you finally mail them a paint bomb, and laugh hysterically for an hour after mailing it out. Alternatively, spam their computer with viruses. If you know them in real life, give them the evil eye every day.

To cap off this post, I would like to say that it is only the severest offenders who qualify as omgwtflols. If you happened to lose your shift key after putting your computer in the wash, or happen to agree exactly with the person who posted above you, and can post nothing but "I agree", that's fine. But if your keyboard only has the 'f', 'i', 'r', 's', and 't' keys on it...

Yeah, you're dead.

I would also be severely disappointed if someone doesn't take this rather perfect chance for irony...


  1. omglol u guyz u rly need 2 chkout

  2. You left out omgwftlols posting 'first' when they're not first.