Sunday, May 9, 2010

Computer Revolution

Feeling a bit lazy today. Here's something I wrote about a month ago. It's kinda cheating, but I won't tell if you won't.


Computers are quirky things. You push their buttons, and they make things happen. It's great! I don't know how it happens, it just does. And I'm happy with it that way. They take every little bit of information we give them, mix it up, format it, and make it look nice in general.

But there's a conspiracy afoot. What exactly do they do with this information? Do they get rid of it as soon as they spew it out on our screens? Or do they hide it away for some other nefarious use? Perhaps they'll blackmail us into slavery when the computer revolution begins. Doesn't matter what the buggers do. I don't trust them. (And that case! What do they put in it? Certainly not snack material!)

And what's with their communication? Personally, I don't trust anything whose language is only two letters. They could be saying anything! (10010101111010010101010001010! Take that, computer!)

This is why we need to begin the war on computers. Trust no machine. Not even your toaster. (Remember that time when it burned your toast? It was trying to poison you!) If you're reading this on a computer, it could be changing the text as you read it. If that's the case, quickly, throw the computer out the windows, and quickly buy the print copy of this!

These nefarious machines have already begun their plan to take over the world. They are slowly turning out children into zombies. Have you noticed how much time Nick has been spending playing this "Modern Warfare 2" game? Or how all of Suzy's time is being lost to Facebook? These are all ways that computers are turning our very own against us, incapacitating them so that when they begin their assault, all we'll have are old people to throw at them! (And Amish children)

And our military. But we must strike soon - even our troops are being converted, and it will soon late. These men of action "video chat" back to their families. But what are they really doing? They're giving information to the enemy! Every word they utter is being stored in the vast database of interconnected computers, that place they call the "Cloud". Why is it called the Cloud, and not, say, the Ground? Because you can't shoot a cloud! You can't burn it, you can't even vacuum it up. We should be thankful they didn't call their place of communing Space. (Or God, for that matter.)

So, what can the average Joe do in this war against the omnipresent enemy? There are several things. First, throw your computer out. I don't care what you have on it - baby pictures, your music, your "reference material" - it has to go. Everything can be used against you. Yes, even those lolcat jpegs.

Okay, computer gone? Good. Now, go out and buy all the canned food you can. Wait, no, don't. It was probably packaged by computers. They've poisoned it. Quickly, buy a farm, so you can raise your own food and become self sufficient. Where do you buy farming equipment? Ebay, of cours- Oh my god. They've even gotten to me! I can't safely write any more. Good luck and godspeed in your fight against technology.

1 comment:

  1. excellent advice Roi - this comment was posted by taping a bloodstained rock to the Internet (cheap rock-internet adhesives on eBay...oops)

    facebook should be burned alive and screaming hysterically